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Boston Red Sox Should’ve Signed Jon Lester And Anyone Who Says Otherwise Is A Moron

Jon Lester Cubs

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By now Boston Red Sox fans have heard the sad news. Jon Lester will not be coming back to Boston. Instead he’ll be bringing his talents to the Chicago Cubs. Theo Epstein and Jod Hoyer offered Lester an INSANE contract, worth $155 million for six seasons, with a player option for another $15 in the seventh season.  The Red Sox offered $135 million for six seasons.

Not having Jon Lester on this team is absolute bullshit. No other way around it. The Red Sox are the Federal Reserve of MLB. Money is NEVER an issue, and if it is, just print more. If they wanted him badly enough to pay him $135 million, then what’s another $20 million spread out over six seasons? Nothing. They didn’t need to save the $3 million a year. Larry Lucchino and John Henry are just a bunch of chiselers. They thought Lester was a chump who was dumb enough to sign with them for $20 million less so they could buy their mistresses another steak dinner. He called their bluff. Good for him. I would’ve done the exact same thing.

And for geniuses saying dumb shit like this:

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Please just stop talking. He’s all about the money? God forbid a professional athlete try to maximize his earning potential in the United States of America. Anyone who’s hating on him for taking the money can get the hell out of my face and move to communist Sweden right now. Obviously a guy from Tacoma  should’ve played for a team 3,000 miles away from where he grew up because of the nostalgia that our boy Greg Bunt feels towards the team. And hilariously according to Greg here, Lester should’ve taken the gigantic pay cut and played in Boston. I mean, all he had to do to make up the difference was hold $20 million worth of “baseball camps and shit.” Problem solved!!

And for people saying that the Cubs are gonna suck, I have a newsflash for you – the Red Sox suck. Real bad. Don’t let that World Series fool ya. This is a team that has finished in last place in the AL East two of the past three seasons. This is a team that had a fire sale and got rid of every pitcher that contributed to the 2013 championship. This is a team whose prospects SUCK. Suck, suck, suckity suck, suck. Did you see the garbage they brought up from the farm this year? Jackie Bradley Jr, Xander Bogaerts, Will Middlebrooks, Rubby De La Rosa. These are the losers we planned on building around Lester with.

Not only did the Cubs win more games than the Red Sox last year, but they’re the best young team in baseball. Jorge Soler, Javier Baez, Anthony Rizzo, Sterlin Castro. Those guys are all gonna be studs. Not to mention they have the best offensive prospect in baseball, shortstop Addison Russell, who will probably be up very shortly. All of those guys are better than anything in the Red Sox pipeline. You heard it here first – the Cubs will win 85 games next season. Turtleboy Sports guarantee.

Jon Lester memes

So please stop telling me how this was a good thing because Lester wasn’t worth the money. Honestly, why the hell should I care if Lester is good value? It’s not my money. It’s not your money. I couldn’t give a shit less if John Henry’s portfolio takes a hit, but apparently a lot of Red Sox fans are invested in Larry Luccino getting himself another yacht.

And make no mistake about it – ownership fucked this one up. First they could’ve signed him for $110 million in spring training. But of course Larry Lucchino had to show Lester that it was in fact he who had the biggest schmenzer in the room. Then he naively traded him for Yoenis Cespedes, thinking Lester was dumb enough to come back to Boston for less money.

But they STILL could’ve had him. That is until they did what they always do – turn the Red Sox into an infomercial. Here’s what Lester said afterwards:

The thing I liked about ’em is it wasn’t forced and wasn’t a sales pitch. It was like, ‘This is what we can do.’ I don’t want BS. I don’t want show. I don’t want glitz and glamour. I don’t want to walk out to the field with your name and number on the JumboTron. I’m not 18 anymore. I want you to tell me what you can do for me and my family.

Larry Lucchino memes

In case you couldn’t pick up from the tone, he’s talking about Lucchino, Henry, and the Red Sox ownership. They went and visited Lester and most likely force fed him a bunch of bullshit about having his name engraved in a brick. Lester would’ve best served Red Sox fans if he took that brick and smashed Luccino’s head in with it. This is a grown ass man we’re talking about. Someone with kids and mistresses a wife to take care of.  Someone who’s beaten cancer. Think he gives a shit that Larry Luccino is gonna put his name on the Jumbotron and invite him on stage for the Red Hot Chilli Pepper’s concert?

And you know how I can tell these guys are frauds? Here’s what appears on the Red Sox Facebook page today:

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Yea Red Sox fans, sorry we just let a guy go who has won two World Series and is a proven clutch pitcher in the playoffs. Now buy some of our shit!! And if a PS4 isn’t your thing, then try some more savings on some of our other shit:

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Or you can buy your loved one the gift they’ve been waiting for all year long – a Luis Tiant bobblehead doll!!!

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Because on those hot summer days when the Red Sox are losing 10-1 to the White Sox, I know I’m going to need my Luis Tiant bobblehead to keep me cool. And does anyone have a way we can possibly make more money off of bullshit at Fenway Park?

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Christmas at Fenway? Sure, why the hell not? I’d much rather have that than Jon Lester. And why worry about signing an ace pitcher when you can focus on the important things…like buying Dropkick Murphy’s tickets!!!

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Give me more money!!!

I hope Lester is nasty for the next six years. I hope the Cubs win a World Series. And I hope that people stop going to games, stop singing Sweet Caroline, and stop buying into the bullshit that is the Fenway experience. That’s the only way to send a message to these assholes that we’re sick of their low rent bullshit.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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2 Comment(s)
  • Chad
    December 11, 2014 at 1:49 am

    You would think the PR goodwill would be worth the extra 20-26 million over 6 years. Ownership would be lit up with praises if they landed Lester despite all the mistakes. Now you are paying for damage control and for the price hike of agents that will have a field day with available pitchers…

  • Anthony17893040
    December 10, 2014 at 10:42 pm

    I wouldn’t say the Red Sox suck. Their batting lineup is good. Real good. Also boegarts isn’t that bad and they still have other young good players like Brock holt and Christian Vazquez. That being said, this was a stupid move. We still need pitching and with no salary cap, there’s no reason we shouldn’t have resigned him.

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