All-Star Criminals

Brains, Balls, Or Raisins? Dumb Criminal’s Mugshot, Flashing His Scrotum-Like Head, Causes Most Hysterical Comment Section Roast You’ll Ever See

If you read anything today – read this. Just promise me you’ll pee first to save yourself a change of clothes.

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Every so often we find something from out of our New England zone that just about kills us dead. It’s so funny that we can’t help but feature it in our blog. 

This one just so happened to cause me to wake the kids up because I was laughing so loud. No, it wasn’t that he had white shit on the side of his mouth. It was the fact that his skull looks a rotted cantaloupe. 

His name is Rufus Gates and he got slaughtered in one of the most miraculous Facebook threads ever to grace the Internet. It’s straight gold. 

This guy committed a crime in South Carolina. Robbed a child’s birthday party, which happened to be taking place in a hotel room, at gun point. So, I guess you can say that he deserves this web-lashing.

I was going to do a top ten but there were just so many of them that I couldn’t choose. Here are the best responses:

If everyone could just take a second to step away from politics and just unite to make fun of this guy’s dome, like these people did, the world would be a much better place.

This next one is the one was the one that caused me to accidentally wake the kids up with my scream laugh. The raisin pun almost killed me.

I still have tears rolling down my cheeks. I sent it to nine of my friends almost immediately and I don’t share anything. Thank you Internet. Thank you from the bottom of my cold, dead, heart. 

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15 Comment(s)
  • Simz Simma
    March 4, 2017 at 1:33 am

    he rockin Fro-no Bag-ons haircut , his family portraits are carved into scrotum poles, melted glossette box top,,

  • Saul T. Balz
    March 3, 2017 at 11:57 am

    Look like a pack of hot dogs.

  • Saul T. Balz
    March 3, 2017 at 12:22 am

    I am literally crying.
    Saw, what I perceive, are the same kids on Highland St cutting across Elm Park towards Fruit. Riding wheelies and yelling and hollering right at the Boynton. Riding down the middle of the road between traffic. And who is is going to be in trouble and held responsible for hitting one of these fuckers? Not their parents. I or you will be strung up the balls.

  • Murica
    March 2, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    Please write one on the giraffe necked pedophile, it’s 10x funnier than this! thanks for the laugh.

  • Wtf
    March 2, 2017 at 10:31 am

    Funny and weird but no where near as funny as that fat lady on the pie crusts. Almost got kicked out of the dentist office I was laughing so hard the day I read that one.

  • Hahahaohreally
    March 2, 2017 at 10:12 am

    Thanks for the bathroom warning! I haven’t laughed so hard in years.

  • Twat tickler
    March 2, 2017 at 9:07 am

    As an avid TB fan and follower, i have to say this is one of the fucking stupidest blogs I’ve read in a while

    • South Shore Turtlegirl
      March 2, 2017 at 9:15 am

      You’re insane. It’s the funniest shit I’ve seen in a while. It was a nice break from heroin scams and skeeze beasts.

      • Talisman
        March 2, 2017 at 10:11 am

        Indeed, Rufus Scrotumscalp the birthday bandit, is a hit. Thanks SSTG.

    • Brian Albrecht
      March 2, 2017 at 9:27 am

      Thanks for your support!

  • ZephyrCat
    March 2, 2017 at 8:56 am

    Good Morning! Funny as shit. His momma must’ve fucked an octopus.

  • Woodiculous
    March 2, 2017 at 7:47 am

    We finally found a loser who has an excuse to wear a flat brim Bulls hat.

  • party boy
    March 2, 2017 at 7:18 am

    Creepy, hydrate the bad boy.

  • Cat Vomit Tango
    March 2, 2017 at 12:21 am

    That was fricking awesome. Thanks for sharing.

    • I hate stupid people.
      March 2, 2017 at 1:48 am

      Man he is wallnuts for robbin a kids party.

      Rufus’s mom: “RUFUS GET OUT OF THE SHOWER OR YOU WILL GET ALL WRINKLED”
      Rufus: “To late mom”

      This is what happens when you have a pillow that is made out of corduroy as a baby.

      The doctor holds his head and has him cough.

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