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This Turtleboy has never been to the Brockton Fair before, so we decided it was time to see if it was as spectacular as it was made out to be:
We went down on Saturday night, when the featured events included wrestling and a demolition derby. Turns out it was everything we dreamed it would be and more.
The first thing you notice are the carnies. Every one of these guys promises you that you will in fact strike it rich if you play their game. You can’t possibly lose. You win every single time. And if you can’t trust faces like these, then who can you trust?
It’s pretty much impossible to walk five feet by being serenaded by one of these guys, and they don’t like taking no for an answer:
This is basically all the Brockton “Fair” is – a bunch of scam games, tossed in with some fried food, rides, and tire fires. But normal fairs have different sections, particularly with farm animals. This was the agricultural section of the Brockton Fair:
The world’s saddest Brockton chickens. That’s it.
Although there is also an old British lady who puts on a show with the world’s most spoiled and lazy lion and tiger combination:
She spends most of her performance telling lion jokes and asking her pet lion to stop licking the pole:
There’s also a clown, (called a bloke) who talks shit about everyone who walks by, including small children, hoping you’ll pay money for the chance of getting him wet.
Most people miss because they’re throwing out of pure Brockton anger. But this guy, who felt his manhood was insulted when the clown made fun of his pink shirt and flat brimmed hat, soaked this guy over and over again:
Didn’t matter. The bloke got right back up and just talked more shit.
There’s some nice shopping opportunities at the Brockton Fair. You can buy some tribalware
Or get some clearance perfume:
Because what woman wouldn’t wanna smell like a $10 Brockton Fair ratchet?
The men’s bathroom is state of the art:
Who doesn’t like pissing in a smelly trough? After getting in a quick Brockton Fair draining we headed over to the wrestling, where two members of the GED express were pretending to hit each other while the masses cheered them on. Safe to say that at least 95% of those watching still believe that wrestling is real.
Luckily many of them brought small children with them and watched as former Applebee’s employees kicked each other in the face:
Smelled each other’s butts
Slammed each other repeatedly
And taunted each other by calling their opponents “skanks”
Unfortunately since wrestling is DEFINITELY real, emotions run high and the fights have a tendency to roll out into the audience. After some back and forth taunting
this Turtleboy ended getting soaked with water, not realizing we were standing next to a prop Poland Spring bottle the entire time.
After that we headed over to the demolition derby where Holbrook’s finest were warming up for this amazing spectacle:
Never seen a demolition derby before. Turns out it’s just a bunch of guys with chin straps, blue jeans, NASCAR hats, and Timberlands crashing into each other repeatedly until the last person without a concussion is still driving their wrecked vehicle.
If you’re not entertained watching hillbillies crash into each other then Turtleboy feels bad for you.
Of course the real site to see at the Brockton Fair isn’t watching the Fuzzy Grape’s finest throw each other around in a ring, or watching cars smash into each other. It’s the haircuts. The sweet, glorious haircuts:
Although the Brockton Fair outfits are equally as magnificent
Long live the Brockton Fair!!
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