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Brockton Enterprise: A Brockton man is accused of sitting in his car in a public parking lot and performing a sex act on himself that was witnessed by police officers, police said. Now Donald Holmes, 30, of Short Street, Brockton is charged with open and gross lewdness, second subsequent offense, said Abington Deputy Police Chief Chris Cutter. Holmes was released after posting $2,500 cash bail following his arraignment Tuesday in Brockton District Court, according to the clerk’s office. Police responded to the parking lot of Walmart on Brockton Avenue about 8 p.m. Monday after receiving an anonymous call reporting a man exposing himself in the parking lot. When officers arrived, they saw a man later identified as Holmes sitting in the driver’s seat of a vehicle “performing a sex act on himself,” Cutter said. “At the same time, he was watching a female who was in a car parked right beside him,” Cutter said. Police then arrested Holmes. His is due back in court on July 26.

Of course this happens in a Walmart parking lot in Abington. Why wouldn’t it? If your town borders Brockton then it’s only a matter of time until some guy sits in the Walmart parking lot and pleasures himself.

And can I just say how amazing it is that masturbation is officially referred to as “performing a sex act on himself” in the police logs? Is masturbation too taboo or insensitive of a word?

The worst part is that he got caught mid stroke. Seriously though, what the hell is wrong with this guy? Does he not have wifi at home? Has he not figured out that the Internet and the privacy of his own home will give him all the tools he needs to unleash his primal urges? Hell, he could even do it in his car if he wanted to. Just go somewhere that other people aren’t at. But whatever you do, don’t sit in the Walmart parking lot in Abington and make love to yourself while looking at some unsuspecting, fully clothed woman in the car next to you.

And how long was this spank-tra-thon going on for? Someone had time to not only see him, but call the cops and wait for them to get there. You would think if he was doing it in a public space that he would make it a quickie. But I guess this was one of those “special occasions.” Surprised he didn’t have candles lit in the car.

This obviously was not this man’s first time treating his body like an amusement park in the Walmart parking lot either. You’d think he would have an exit strategy, besides the “exit strategy” that he calls a climax. Ya know, you’d think he would be looking out for the cops or other people who might think it would be strange to see a man wankin’ it in public like that.

But nope. I guess he was playing “Beat It” a little too loudly and he got a little carried away. This man was in his own little world. He didn’t notice the cruiser pulling up next to him or the cop knocking on his window because he was already halfway to pleasure town and there was no way he was turning back.

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