Nudniks

Captain Save-a-Ho And Perma-Friendzoned Randy Hurley Tries To Defend Honor Of Sabrina Lewis Who Had A Small Cameo Appearance In Revere Ratchet Blog, Says Mayor of Malden & City Council Will Get North Shore Turtlebabe

We struck gold with the Revere Ratchets! Everyone is in an uproar from Malden to Revere, making North Shore Turtlebabe burn that midnight oil.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My inbox has been lit nonstop with people applauding me for exposing the Revere lesbo ratchet squad and dishing more dirt on them. And then… there’s Randy Hurley.

 

RH14

It started innocuously enough with an email from someone using “Comcast” as their display name and with the simple subject line of “Your website.” Intrigued, I opened it and couldn’t contain myself. I laughed… and laughed, and laughed some more

RH1

OK – at Turtleboy, one of the first things you learn is, when someone throws their profession at you within the opening lines of initial communication, chances are, they’re a nobody. Second thing you learn is, most people are fucking morons and have no idea what the legal definition of slander is, but boy does it make for having a little of fun at their expense.

 

Of course, I responded.

RH2

Naturally, I asked which department he was employed by and tried to be nice. That’s just the kinda girl I am. I really gave him the benefit of the doubt. He responds almost immediately:

RH3

“Dear Best” – this is where I fucking LOST it. I was scream laughing so hard my cat hit the ceiling. I signed my previous communication with “Best, NSTB” which is fairly normal, especially if you’ve worked in any type of corporate setting or have sent a professional email at any point in your life. But this numbnuts for one reason or another thinks it’s what I signed my name as. I just couldn’t handle it. He CC’d Sabrina on the email (finally) and goes blah blah blah lawyer this, slander that, the City of Malden is coming for NSTB. Standard shit.

 

This is the part of the blog he took issue with, by the way:

RH4

OK – we did not say that she has HIV. We reiterated what Kristina said, and added allegedly. For all the Randy’s out there:

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Get it? Got it? Good.

 

Here’s Sabrina for good measure

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No comment.

RH4

I wasn’t trying to be rude, but I also didn’t want to make fun of someone who is legitimately mentally handicapped. I also started calling him out on his bullshit. Like, if you’ve got an in with the mayor, why are you using third-party apps to report potholes and shit around the city? Wouldn’t you just send an email from your .gov email address to the other city employee directly to get it handled?

RH6 RH7

After this, I was kinda done with the BS, so I told him to just go talk to Abi. I couldn’t handle the stupidity anymore.

RH5

But, you see, people like this, they can’t help themselves. They just keep coming back:

RH8

He corrected me for sure. He’s not slow, he’s at a dead fucking stop. He’s trying to be civil, is a political advisor to the Mayor and he’s going to get Mayor Christenson to take time out of his busy day to email NSTB.

 

*swoon* Mayor Christenson is kinda a looker, tbh.

RH22

Better than Curtaphony out of Somerville by a mile. I wouldn’t mind finding him in my (in)box.

Anyway, I get some type of ultimatum from this chudnut and he demands that I put some respek on his name because he is trying to improve the city and improve its residents. Well… you could start by moving to Timbuktu, that might improve things a bit up in the Dirty Den, you fucknut.

 

I had enough for the night, but thought I’d check in this morning to see if I’d ever get that email from the Mayor.

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Also wanted to see if Sabrina was serious about contacting Abi to get the removal form sent to her.

RH11

Randy had such a busy day, though, was getting ready for a series of meetings with the Malden DPW – probably something to do with trash removal. Malden seems to have an issue with garbage these days. He didn’t CC the mayor on this email, even though he said he did. Liar, liar, Randy! Then he starts to back off, saying if we don’t hear from Sabrina, they’re just gonna let shit go. Hm. Wonder if it’s because maybe they figured out they actually don’t have a leg to stand on.

RH12

Here NSTB goes in for the kill. Kathleen Hall is the Mayor’s Executive Assistant. She does not know who this close, political advisor to the Mayor is.

RH13

Who the hell is Margot Christian? I thought we were talking about the Mayor of Malden here. And there we have it! He’s in a volunteer program hahahahahahahahaha. He doesn’t have a city-issued phone, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a .gov email address, either. But what he DOES have is the heavy artillery on deck – the City Council is coming for NSTB, too! Shit, that means I can’t go get my nails done this weekend. Malden’s not safe for me anymore.

 

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Then, in the most hilarious turn of events, we learn that Randy is also planning to pull papers for City Councilor of Ward 4 – if you’re in Ward 4 in Malden, do yourself a favor and kick this chud right in the fucking shin if he shows up at your door looking for a signature.

 

 

But who  is Randy, really? That’s what we really wanted to know. And we were not disappointed. He’s just as ridiculous as you’d hoped he’d be. Malden’s finest, for sure.

 

RH12

OK – he’s “Owner” at Randy’s Pro Bartending. Does that mean as a ‘close, political advisor to the Mayor’ that he knows just how the mayor takes his afternoon martini, or…? He was also a ticket seller at Showcase Cinemas in Revere (where the infamous Revere Carnival is held) a waiter, sales at Comcast and Verizon, Shaws, etc. Pretty high up on the Malden food chain.

 

And he goes by some killer nicknames

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Whaddup Randizzle my nizzle!

 

 

 

And of course, Randilicious pulls those straight dime-piece bitches with brains for days, like this one

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#Gorgeous

All that aside, business seems to be booming at Randy’s Pro Bartending, with a gleaming 5-star reputation from a solo review

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Lisa is just as confused as we are. Let’s take a peek at Lisa for a moment, because if I had to see this, you all need to suffer with me

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What.in.the.actual.fuck. These are the citizens of Malden Randy is trying to improve, by the way. He’s got his work cut out for him.

 

Still waiting on that email, Randy. And here’s your daily reminder: Don’t poke the turtle.

18 Comment(s)
  • You got CAUGHT
    May 5, 2017 at 3:26 am

    Randy!!!!
    Not only are you a proven LIAR, you showed yourself on the TBS Facebook page and proved you are a Creepy PERVERT! That girl you messaged for NUDES is 17 yrs old and you got CAUGHT!! Can’t wait until the POLICE catch up with you! Screen shots and IP addresses DON’T LIE! Hahahaha
    You Poked the turtle and we are ALL so grateful you did. One more PERVERT got the Chris Hanson/Turtleboy treatment.

  • Pepsi
    April 30, 2017 at 1:25 am

    Turtle you are awesome… I can’t be the only one to notice that none of his emails were punctuated at all and full of run on sentences. Good call right away by you, far sooner than me. But i think someone else definitely wrote the one message stating he would contact from his work email and also CC the mayor. This was very entertaining, you got another reader with me. I couldn’t stop reading this and go to bed like I planned when I opened the link. Keep up the awesome work.

    • Mayor
      May 12, 2017 at 3:21 am

      That’s legit the first thing I noticed. I have a very high level of fucktard awareness. Word to the wise(well more than a word) if you’re gonna pretend to be someone important, act, think, and most importantly WRITE like an important person would write. Which means, you have to be articulate in some form or fashion. Make sure everything is spelled correctly, you have punctuations in the right spots. You don’t use, “I’m a loser who doesn’t have a job and barely graduated high school” words. There were so many dead giveaways that he’s a completely nobody, I lost track. Like for instance, if you’re someone important in the mayors office speaking on behalf of a “resident” you absolutely would NOT be referring to her as Sabrina, and you definitely wouldn’t refer to her as Sabrina Rose. You’d refer to her as Ms.Lewis. At least if you’re gonna be a complete dickstain, be consistent and just say Sabrina. Not Sabrina in one referrence, and her fb name Sabrina Rose in another. That gave it away that this was a friend of yours, and not a lucky Malden resident who’s getting your fabulous goodwill. Get fucked on your own time pal. Well done NSTB !

  • JO
    April 29, 2017 at 8:32 pm

    Best story I have read in years lol. Thanks for sharing.

  • Michelle
    April 29, 2017 at 10:00 am

    Sabrina isn’t even a resident of malden anymore. She moved years ago. It even says on here page lives in revere

  • True Reality Speaks
    True Reality Speaks
    April 29, 2017 at 9:56 am

    Malden’s mashup of Steve “Q” Quist & Old Balls. Get the rubber room and an internet subscription to the local liberal newspaper ready – this guy needs an outlet for his delusions of grandeur.

  • Diane Woods emerson
    Wtf
    April 29, 2017 at 9:13 am

    YUCKY!!!!!!!!

  • Code of silene
    April 29, 2017 at 8:58 am

    Is that Randy from trailer park boys.

  • April 28, 2017 at 8:53 pm

    Lisa looks like John Cougar Mellencamp with blonde hair.

  • Tom A. Hawk
    April 28, 2017 at 8:35 pm

    Holy shit Lisa, Mickey Rourke wants his fucking face back!

  • ElJefe72
    ElJefe72
    April 28, 2017 at 6:14 pm

    Why is Jeff Bridges in drag?

    • Keir Darcey
      Rochambeau
      April 28, 2017 at 9:22 pm

      Have an upvote. That’s comment is on point.

  • Michelle
    April 28, 2017 at 5:46 pm

    Randy smokes crack he don’t have a job Lisa lives across the street from him LMFAO

  • Jack
    April 28, 2017 at 5:44 pm

    AKA Delusional Poseur.

  • light em up
    April 28, 2017 at 4:34 pm

    More chicks should do the High Beam pics.

  • TIG OLE BITTIES
    April 28, 2017 at 4:14 pm

    NSTB is the funniest chic Eva. Next time your in Webdah hmu we can take the pontoon to Waterfront Mary’s for sum afternoon Sangria then sum dinner at The Breeze. Maybe if I get enuff Long Island ice Tea’s in ya we can hit the Trifecta and catch a show at Mario’s and check out the talent. I hear the girls are all clean and sober now that Franks back in charge. Hmu

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