Yesterday we posted a blog about the “Massachusetts Constable’s Office”, a private organization of police academy rejects run by a former tax accountant with a serious absent father complex. The average citizen probably wouldn’t be able to discern it from the initial appearance of their website, but I assure you – they are not cops. They’re posers on a power trip with no personal insight into their own tragic professional limitations.
My son likes to dress up like a cop, too. His costume isn’t as nice.
Let me make it perfectly clear – there are plenty of professional and competent constables out there. I work with them on a semi-regular basis. They show up, serve papers, and exit quietly. Because that is their job, and they do it well. Not these fucking clownshoes, though. Oh, no. Darryl Hines is such a whacked out shitclit that he is actually on record insisting he has MORE authority than a police officer, because police officers can’t serve civil process and writs. That’s what we’re dealing with here. Total pond scum. They even have a tentative “constables academy”, where you can….well, look for yourself.
Holy fuck, a tentative class run by a bunch of delusional twatwaffles. Send all your money now. No refunds. Or, I can save you the $1,550.00 right now. Welcome to Bristol’s Constable Academy.
Step 1 – Serve the papers to the appropriate party.
Step 2 – Say “You’ve been served”
Step 3 – Exit stage left without making an asshole of yourself.
End class. That was pretty easy. I don’t mean to trivialize the job, because I’m aware that a fair amount of knowledge in civil law, good record keeping, and the right demeanor makes for a great constable, and that is a Godsend when you have a stubborn tenant who just doesn’t want to get gone. But these guys think they’re living in a fucking Chris Tucker/Jackie Chan reboot. The delusion is mind-blowing. Just check out this exchange I had with their Facebook page after I left a comment questioning why they have blue lights on their toy “cruisers” and use them to direct traffic out-of-state in New Hampshire:
And yeah, they actually refer to them as “cruisers”, like the yeasty douchenozzles they are.
Cruisers, you say? What color are the plates on those cars, again? Are they blue Mass Police plate? Oh, that’s right. Not blue. Because they’re not police cars, and they’re not driven by police officers. You can throw all the strobe lights you want onto a retired interceptor you bought at auction –
– But it won’t make you a cop. It makes you a pathetic hack with a light show on a real cop’s discarded hand-me-down. Calm down, Fast and Furious – rest assured that I certainly will not step out of my vehicle if you pull up behind me with those things on. I’ll be calling the real cops. Who the fuck is signing off on the permit for those lights?
The conversation then devolved to full ratchet status pretty quickly.
You NEVER go full ratchet, boys. That’s really all I need to know. 10/10 if you go “free muh boi, dindonuffin”, you are a in fact a criminal. The exact opposite of the role we’re trying to play here as fun happy pretend rent-a-cops. Listen, Chief-Constable of nothing, I’m sorry if pointing out that the authority you’re trying to assert here went extinct in 1892 and means dick all now outside of a stupid technicality. I understand it hurts your feelings, because you’ve probably been a loser your whole life. I’m further sorry if I hurt the feelings of any volunteer firemen, civilian search and rescue, HAM radio operators, circus clowns, mall cops, tow truck drivers, Juggalos, stolen valor fake army service vets, Red cross donors, neighborhood watch members, or any other member of any other quasi-public privately owned safety co-op agency. But the truth hurts. You aren’t providing a brave and valiant service, you delusions of being “back-up” for the real cops are dangerous and irresponsible, and you look ridiculous. Seriously. Just look at you.
It’s not detective work, you crusty dingleberries. You’re not detectives. You’re not police, and no, you’re not “all in this together.” You’re independent contractors who run errands for the court. Here are your brothers in white.
Nope, wait a minute. They’re employed by the Commonwealth and get patches. No relation.
I mean…. really. They’re posing next to their fake police cars wearing badges and decked out, “fully marked” t-shirts while picking up garbage, for fucks sake.
Who doesn’t put on a badge while taking out the trash? Goddamn raccoons and skunks need to respect that authoritah!
Fucking wannabes. Holy shit. You idiots even refer to the task of serving papers to hardened, dangerous criminals like little old ladies who don’t pay off their credits cards as “working the beat.”
Fuck outta here. The closest you get to a “beat” is what you do to your sad little meat while sobbing and watching Miami Vice reruns. You’re so emasculated at this point you need to be retrofitted with a plastic vagina sleeve where your pathetic 3″ of fury used to be.
And don’t pull that “The Police chief is our biggest fan” bullshit ever again. We both know he laughs about you behind your back, just like everyone else. Well, everyone except for that single mom and her kids in Dorchester you terrorized when your ace detective work brought you to the completely wrong address. Oh, and the two random Lowell ratchets you roughed up, too.
Yeah, they’re not laughing either, nor is the Police Commissioner. Nowhere in the job description does it say Constables should be interfering with criminal warrants and tasing suspects all willy-nilly. But tell me again how the Chief of Police in Methuen is your BFF? I bet he really respects all that crack police work you do, putting your lives on the line to pick up garbage and install infant car seats.
You fucking assclowns. You’re an embarrassment to sane constables and process servers everywhere. Stolen valor is illegal, and I can’t wrap my head around why this isn’t, too. One more time for the people in the back – these idiots are NOT cops. They’re NOT trained, they have NO oversight, and they’re professionally inept. You know when the last time a police officer said, “Hold off on backup, guys, slow it down. I’m good. I have a couple of constables with me.” Do you?
Not since 1940 and the invention of radioed cars, you neverwas, never-will-be abject failures. That’s when. I’m not a cop, but as a reasonably logical human being with a discernible pulse I can tell you, tagging along behind the real police trying to ride their coattails and play “backup” does nothing but cause headaches and safety issues. You’re helping no one, and you’re no heroes. Just a pain in the ass to the real professionals trying to do their job, not get shot, and go home without incident. Refer to the above video – that qualifies as “incident”. Stop it.
Your game of cops n’ robbers is completely out-of-line, an insult to actual law enforcement officers and all the rigorous training, government oversight, and daily actual risk to their lives involved. It’s a public safety hazard, and it’s out of hand. I think I may have an excise tax outstanding – look me up and come arrest me, you fucks. I’ll happily call the real police and spend the night in jail just to see the looks on all your stupid faces when you realize I won’t submit to some tax account reject in a children’s Halloween costume and the authority he borrows from 1902. Fuck you. And do yourself a favor – clean up your operation, and quick. Because your days are numbered, and the Turtle will get you. I’m already eyeing a nice plot in the Turtleboy graveyard for you. Thank you for your “service”. Either stick to serving divorce papers and summons, or start serving fries at Wendy’s. Police work is for police.