All-Star Criminals

Everyone Forgot That Aside From Stealing Purses, Chris Ansara Helps Drug Dealers Murder People

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A couple of days ago this guy Chris Ansara made local news for stealing the purse of a little old lady at a local cemetery. The woman was at Immaculate Conception cemetery in Lawrence and while she was cleaning off the grave of her deceased husband, a man came up and snatched her bag.

Tell me this isn’t one of the shittiest, saddest things ever. Here’s this old woman, all alone in a HUGE cemetery visiting her dead husbands grave and someone comes up and jacks her pocketbook at 10 o’clock in the morning. The guy made off with $1000 (granny balls hard) and $80 from various deceased family members. Not to mention there were probably plenty of perfectly good Werthers Originals that got tossed because caramel hard candies don’t get you lit AF.

Well Anne calls the police and gives them an “accurate description” of the thief.

Uh, yeah. I’d say it’s nearly impossible not to spot this trash-pail scampering around the Lawrence/Methuen line all beady-eyed and nutty looking.

Chris hauls it to a Methuen convenience store, calls a cab and gets dropped off at the Central Bridge.

“Gee, I just snapped up this Vera Bradley handbag from an old woman and look like a menacing abomination. Where should I go?”

*LIGHTBULB*

Chris scooted on over to the Central Bridge in Lawrence where every other crackhead hangs out. This is the same place where a mattress caught on fire and torched a bunch of cables and wires a few years back.

The police obviously found him reeeeeal quick and brought him in.

Guess who didn’t show up in court for his arraignment yesterday?

Anyway, various news networks reported about this guy stealing a purse and how shitty that is except everyone forgot about the time he helped arrange the murder of a guy from Lowell.

 

Yeah..

So Martin rips off the wrong dudes. After a while these two jamjars have Martin pick them up, tell him where to go, show up on Union street, see “Junior”, give the nod and peace out while Martin gets murdered on the sidewalk in the middle of the day. All for 4 bags of smack.

Who would do such a thing?

Junkies (and white girls who use the N*bomb in excitement of Thanksgiving, naturally.)

I mean, it’s pretty evident what kind of crotch crust we’re dealing with here.

Stephs Facebook page went dead from 2013-2016 (shocker) but she SEEMS to be relatively normal these days, or at least we hope so since she’s pregnant. Yikes.

Chris obviously has plummeted down the crapper and has since resorted to stealing purses from innocent old ladies and selling women’s bags/shoes online.

So keep your eye out for this socially mute bobblehead who has an affinity for drugs, stealing from old people and individually-wrapped strawberry hard candies. If you see him please call the police and give his location and description (think wicked witch from Snow White but with a beard.) Let’s get him off the street before he starts stealing ice cream cones from blind orphans.

 

 

 

 

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9 Comment(s)
  • Michael
    May 13, 2020 at 5:35 pm

    Chris turned his life around and spent his last few years serving in a Christian ministry. He inspired many people along the way. He was in bible college when he passed away. His dream was to create an outreach ministry to reach young men and women so that they wouldn’t make the same mistakes he made years ago. Very few people are strong enough to make such a radical change and come so far in such a short time. With God’s forgiveness, Chris was able to inspire so many over these past few years. Most of all, he was a loving father. He will be missed by many, myself included.

  • John
    May 11, 2020 at 10:15 am

    Luckily this dude finally died yesterday after ripping someone else off for heroin and overdosing

  • Sterling Turtle Rider
    May 26, 2017 at 12:26 am

    Damn, now I want some of those individually wrapped strawberry candies…

  • wwhat?
    May 25, 2017 at 10:38 pm

    What was the outcome of the accessories before murder trial?

  • Keep It Real 100!
    May 25, 2017 at 6:30 pm

    Looks like he has Alcohol Syndrome.
    Let them just die. Better off for the world.
    Hope the lady gets all her money back.

  • Ratchets are Fun!
    May 25, 2017 at 10:12 am

    Why wasn’t he locked up once the police caught him under the bridge? Yeah I would totally trust this ass bag to not skip bail. Fucking MA.

  • itsjustme
    Itsjustme
    May 25, 2017 at 10:07 am

    So why aren’t these two in jail for life?

  • Long Arm of the Law
    May 25, 2017 at 9:59 am

    Our country went wrong when we made it impossible to give anyone the death penalty. Especially shit like this guy.

  • Matt
    May 25, 2017 at 9:41 am

    I mean, you can’t spell Methuen without “Meth”

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