Sports

Fuck Ebola, Pink Eye Is Destroying Milwaukee Brewers Clubhouse

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Recently, and for no logical reason, the Milwaukee Brewers announced PUBLICLY, that they will not be allowing high-fiving by players for the next few weeks.  Why?  Some numbnuts has been wiping his ass with his hands and giving everyone in the clubhouse pink eye.

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That’s right. Miller Park, recently voted one of MLB’s top 30 stadiums, will soon be home to Pink eye, the disease that little kids & Bob Costas get.

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Pitching Coach & latest pink eye victim recently told the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel Rick Kranitz,

 “The vibe in the clubhouse is strange. It’s scarier than the Ebola thing a few months ago. This is turning into an epidemic.”

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I can’t figure out what’s the worst part of this story, your pitching coach comparing pink eye to Ebola, announcing publicly that your professional sports organization can’t keep your clubhouse clean, or banning high-fiving, the most American of celebrations, ahead of chest bumping, and bro hugging.

It apparently has gotten so bad that Dontrelle Willis has decided to retire @ the age of 33 over the whole ordeal. It’s hard to really feel sorry for any professional athlete when they have real world problems, because they are just like you and I, except much richer and they have far more sex lives. It is however, going to make me rethink handing a ball to one of the Sox for an autograph. If this ever comes to Fenway, I can already hear the names now. Big Poopie, Anal Craig, Mike Napooli.

Ultimately, it should worry you that if the Brewers can’t keep their multi-million dollar talent from getting Pink eye, just imagine how much care they are taking with their stadium and concession stands.

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The absolute worst part of this whole situation is that this news about Pink Eye before the season even starts is the most national attention the team will get all year. They will finish 3rd at best in the division, right ahead of “irrelevant” and “their still a team?”

Good luck Milwaukee and stay classy.

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1 Comment(s)
  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    March 15, 2015 at 2:40 pm

    I laughed far too hard at that subtle joke about Miller Park.

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