Here Is Obama’s Guaranteed 2016 Bracket Picks For March Madness
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One of our favorite traditions at Turtleboy Sports is predicting President Obama’s bracket. Every year he has been in office he takes five minutes out of his day to fill out his bubbles and watch as the butthurts bitch and whine about how he should be saving the world instead. It’s hilarious.
Anyway, something that literally NO ONE has caught onto except for Turtleboy, is the predictable pattern of his selections. Because make no doubt about it, he thinks these things through. Not just for basketball reasons, but for political purposes. He is a basketball fan, but he is a politician first and foremost. And this year’s bracket, his final one, is probably the most important he will ever pick. It’s an election year. Not just any election either. The craziest in American history. Trump vs. Hillary. It’s gonna be a blood bath. States that previously weren’t up for grabs are there for the taking. If Obama pleases the right people and the right fanbase it will directly help Hillary and the democrats. If he picks wrong, it could hand the country over to Trump.
With that said, here is who Obama will pick in each region and why…..
- Obama loves UConn. Normally I’d say he would pick Colorado, since he narrowly won that state in 2012. But he just loves UConn too much.
- Maryland-California is a toss up. He wins both those states easily. Ultimately he’ll take Cal because immigration is a hot button issue this year, and he wants to maintain the liberal base for Hillary.
- The two most important teams in this bracket for him are Miami and Arizona. Both Florida and AZ are always close ones in every presidential election. Particularly THIS election, since Trump has been getting everyone all juiced up about the wall and illegal immigrants. Ultimately though he’s gotta go with Miami, since Florida and Ohio are the two most important swing states year in and year out.
- He likes Villanova usually, but they’re a city team from Philadelphia. Hillary is guaranteed to win Philly by a million votes, so he gains nothing by picking them. He’ll have Miami facing Kansas in the Elite 8.
- He gains nothing by picking Kansas, since Hillary can’t possibly win Kansas. Nevertheless, there has never been a bracket in the last 7 years in which he did not pick the #1 overall seed to make the Final Four. Kansas will be his Final Four choice in the South bracket.
- Obama likes flashy teams. Providence has two NBA first round picks on their team. He’ll take them over USC in the 8-9 matchup.
- He’ll take both Indiana and Kentucky, but although he almost ALWAYS picks Kentucky in situations like this, he will switch it up this year. Obama won Indiana in 2008 but lost it in 2012. This is an important one, especially since Indiana has lost so many jobs because of NAFTA, which Hillary’s husband signed into law. He has no choice but to pick Indiana in this one because Hillary can’t win Kentucky anyway.
- Obama gains nothing from picking Notre Dame. Catholic people aren’t gonna vote for Hillary because they don’t believe in the devil. Michigan on the other hand can come in handy. That’s another rust belt state that has lost a lot of jobs to NAFTA. Picking them benefits Hillary.
- Xavier and Wisconsin will both give him an O-boner. Wisconsin usually goes democrat, but not by much. But Xavier is in Ohio, one of the most critical swing states. He’ll take Xavier to make the Sweet 16.
- Obama usually loves West Virginia, but Hillary can’t win that state. He’ll be tempted to take them against Xavier, but ultimately he’ll choose Xavier to make the Elite 8.
- No way Obama doesn’t take North Carolina to win this bracket. It’s another state that Obama won in 2008 but lost in 2012. It’s a state with a large African-American population that voted for him, but will be less inclined to vote for Hillary. Plus he’s a front runner and there isn’t much more of a front-running move than picking North Carolina when they’re a 1 seed. UNC will be his second Final Four choice.
- Cincinnati over St. Joe’s is an obvious one. It’s in Ohio. See above.
- He always takes one 12 over 5 pick, and this year it will be an easy one. Obama LOVES to pick the Ivy League schools. Loves it. That’s his crew. That’s who he rolls with. That’s who he’s trying to impress. Plus, Yale is a sexy new team that never makes the tournament, and Baylor is in Texas, a state Hillary can’t win.
- He used to take all the 1 seeds, but he realized that this was cheap and America thought it was bullshit. This year the 1 seed that no one thinks can win is Oregon. He’ll pick them to lose to Duke in the Sweet 16, not only because they’re popular, but because they’re in North Carolina.
- His big upset in this bracket will be Oregon State. Michelle Obama’s brother Craig was the head coach of the Beavers until 2014. They dumped his ass and now they’re good. But there will be STRONG wife pressure to pick them regardless. I mean, he let his wife destroy school lunch for kids, so picking a basketball team is nothing. Plus, Oklahoma is like the most conservative state in the country. Hillary could never win there and they have no electoral votes anyway. Oregon State is his upset special.
- Texas A&M is the sexy pick in this bracket, and ultimately he’ll pick them to beat Duke and make the Final Four. Sure, it’s in Texas, a state Hillary can’t win. But nonetheless, he’s a front runner and the Aggies are the front running team in this bracket.
- Virginia is a state that he won in 2008 but lost in 2012. Most likely Hillary is safe in this state, which is why he won’t pick them in the Final Four. However, he’ll still take them to get to the Elite 8.
- Once again in the 8-9 matchup you have to look at states. Butler is in Indiana. A state that matters. Texas Tech doesn’t matter. He’ll take Butler.
- The Indiana factor will also play in with Purdue. Hillary will most likely win Iowa, since Trump couldn’t even win the caucus there. He has more to gain by taking Purdue.
- Utah is like, 70% Republican. Hillary can’t possibly win there. Obama is an east coast guy and so is Hillary. Picking a Jersey school like Seton Hall to upset the Utes is a no brainer.
- Dayton is in Ohio. Nuff said.
- Michigan State gives Obama a huge chub year in and year out. He has picked them to win the whole thing twice since becoming President. He hasn’t chosen another team more than once. Michigan is also a state where Trump is extremely popular and the people are looking for a change. Plus, he bailed out their entire economy a few years ago so it’s pretty much guaranteed he’s going to pick them again.
- Kansas over the Aggies is an easy one. Kansas is the best team in the country right now and the favorite to win the whole thing. He can’t win either state so he can afford to pick the better team.
- MSU over North Carolina is a little tougher, but ultimately he loves the Spartans. Not only will he pick them to make the National Championship, he will pick them to win it all.
So there you have it folks. Usually he comes out with his bracket on Wednesday. Watch and play along at home. Ya heard it here first.
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