Here’s What $80K Will Do For You if You’re a Run-Down Economic Backwater Full of SJW Dipshits, Rednecks, and Wannabe Gangsters
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Western Massachusetts. AKA Western Mass, AKA Pioneer Valley. It doesn’t matter what you call it, it’s still pretty boring and insignificant. It can be a great place to live, that is if you’re able to earn a living as a SJW dipstick college professor, by splitting and delivering firewood, or if you’re willing to juggle three jobs between restaurants and coffee shops as you grumble to the world for being down on your luck despite having a master’s degree in Guatemalan Feminist Poetry.
If you actually own a business in the Commonwealth’s western region, you may consider squeezing your margins even slimmer than they already are and paying to join one of the local industry groups that promote the area to outsiders. The Greater Springfield Convention & Visitors Bureau and the Economic Development Council of Western Massachusetts don’t actually tell you what it costs to join, but you can bet it’s quite the bargain once they call you to tell you the cost after you’ve provided them with your personal information. Join now, and get a free Shamwow. BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE
For these two stellar organizations, obviously run by very outstanding and competent people, something was missing. It wasn’t the fact that the region’s largest city and economic hub, Springfield, is a run-down hellhole shooting gallery full of shitbags. Nor was it the factory jobs that are missing from the nearby factory town of Holyoke (also a run-down hellhole full of shitbags).
Nope, apparently it was the name. The area was long overdue for a new name. Change it, and they will come. A poop sandwich will taste just like a Boston cream pie if only you change its name.
So the two aforementioned outstanding organizations did what most any institution does with piles of other people’s money and limited accountability: They hired consultants.
For the bargain-basement price of $80,000 in membership dues and state grant money, they paid Cubic Creative, a firm from Tulsa, Oklahoma (another crappy, insignificant place with little going for it) to spend an entire year to come up with the brilliant idea that Western Mass will completely turn itself around if only the ‘ern’ is dropped from ‘Western’ and it’s written in clip art font from some freeware downloaded to a Macbook.
Look at this bunch of boners.
These are the edgy, whacky, zany ding-dongs from Cubic that took a whole lot of money and did a whole lot of nothing. Woody Allen hipster glasses, jean jackets, and pubes growing from chins galore. Shouldn’t a quick peruse through their horribly-designed website with animated photos of them acting like jackasses have been a red flag as to why they might not be the best crew for the job? Just sayin’.
And then there’s this, the video used to launch the whole debacle, expertly crafted by Holyoke 3rd-stringer DJ Steve Porter.
Watching that makes me want to strip naked, slap a handful of bacon grease on my backside, walk into the showers at MCI Shirley, and shout “Have at it, boys!” Because that’s more or less what happened to every business that’s ever paid membership dues to the Greater Springfield Convention & Visitors Bureau and the Economic Development Council of Western Massachusetts. They just didn’t have the courtesy to use the bacon grease. Rather, they used a handful of oily metal shavings swept off the floor from one of the old closed-down factories in ‘West Mass’.
Nice video, you touchholes. “F-F-F-F-FRANKLIN COUNTY! H-H-H-HAMPSHIRE COUNTY! D-D-D-DIVERSITY! …IN THE 4-1-3!” It’s just embarrassing.
But this is constructive criticism. Here are a few suggestions for the sequel video:
“H-H-H-H-H-HARD-WORKING CITIZENS OF HOLYOKE!”
“H-H-H-H-HEROIN ADDICTS IN NORTHAMPTON P-P-P-PANHANDLING!”
I`ll be at Club Castaway today in Whately MA, it`s going to be one of those long days, come out & show some love xo pic.twitter.com/PiwepUkGWA
— Wendy Michelle (@MsWendyMichelle) March 26, 2015
So, there you have it. If you want to piss some money away, the Greater Springfield Convention & Visitors Bureau and the Economic Development Council of Western Massachusetts have you covered. If you really want to fuck everything all up, just make sure you put Cubic Creative and DJ Steve on the job. And if you want to get a shitty job or run a business into the ground, West Mass is the place to be.
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