Over the weekend the East Bridgewater Police Department posted on Facebook about a missing woman.
Whenever someone goes missing it should be taken seriously, because time is of the essence. Naturally then the Pumpkin Spice Mafia had to show up and turn it into one of the most wild and outrageous, yet at the same time hilarious, shitshows of all time.
Yes, that’s right. Tis the season for some sex slavery. Everyone knows that human sex traffickers always wait until Super Bowl weekend to fill their demand orders. There’s a lot of Super Bowl parties and a lot of horny dudes who need some pregame entertainment. Prices for sex slaves SKYROCKET around this time, so it’s best to buy your slave a couple weeks after the game when demand is lower. Michelle Gamble is well-versed on these sort of things since she has studied statistics from FBI and criminology experts.
In a normal world people would immediately dismiss and laugh at a queefbrain who suggested something so comical, but was actually dead serious about it. However, this is the Pumpkin Spice world and we’re just living in it, so it was pretty much widely agreed that everything she posted was accurate.
Not just possibly true – 100% true!! Especially during “Human Trafficking Month.”
Oh for fuck’s sake.
Is anyone else scared?
So scared!! And Lisa Watson has an unconfirmed anecdote about her cousin being kidnapped, so it must be true!!
It’s a billion dollar industry that can only be fixed with a hashtag. Does anyone have a hashtag we can use??
If enough people tweet that out and tap their feet together three times then all the kidnappers will be forced to release their sex slaves before kickoff.
And don’t you dare use the laughing emoji either, because this is VERY serious!!
Does anyone else have an unconfirmed anecdote they’d like to throw on the dumpster fire?
Oh snap!! Guy goes for a job interview in Florida and ends up with noodz in a Texas cage. I don’t care if she didn’t provide a link, that definitely happened. Because she’s a stranger on the Internet, and everything that strangers say on the Internet is true.
And what is the NFL going to do about this epidemic?
Someone might wanna tell poor Melinda Morrison that condone and condemn are not the same thing. They’re actually opposites. Nevertheless, we demand that the NFL strongly CONDEMN sex trafficking at the Super Bowl, because it’s not quite clear what their position on that topic is. Could go either way.
I’ll tell you one thing though – the East Bridgewater PD didn’t exactly help the matter with this post from January 14.
(Bangs head on desk)
Here’s what police departments should be doing:
Just tell these twats to shut their clam holes and go back to watching reruns of Say Yes To The Dress.
Of course the next day the EBPD updated their post because the woman was safe and sound. But watch out ladies, because you could be the next woman to get a free ticket to the Super Bowl, except this time you won’t be there to cheer on the Patriots. You’ll be there for Julian Edelman and Gronk to run train on you back at the hotel.