• The Gun Parlor

  • Inbox Of The Day: Uxbridge Woman Calling The Cops Because Pool Party Car Crash Came From The East, Not The West



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    The best part about working at Turtleboy is waking up and reading our inbox on Facebook. And since Desk Girl is getting her swerve on right now and hasn’t been to work in a few days, this Turtleboy ventured into the messages and was greeted by this one from the sister of the Uxbridge girls who drove their car into a pool yesterday:

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    I feel like this could be a new daily blog to start the day. “Turtleboy Inbox.” She’s going to the cops. Sounds serious.

    But let’s humor her for a moment. Here’s how we hypothesized the crash going:

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    And here’s how she says it happened:

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    My question – what does it matter? So they were going one way on West River Rd or another. The bottom line is they drove across a bunch of people’s lawns and somehow managed to navigate themselves into someone else’s pool. Is it somehow better that they were traveling west instead of east?  I don’t get it. They’re also insisting they slid on black ice. Now I’ve seen a couple butthurts in the comments say that they slid on black ice. I feel ya on that one. Black ice is a bitch. But I can’t say I’ve ever seen black ice ON GRASS!!

    Anyway, we look forward to hearing from the Uxbridge Police Department after this concerned citizen launches a very rational and legitimate complaint against Turtleboy.

     

     

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    Discussion

    1. Seriously?


      So the diagram of a car crash that her younger sister got in, which is a scribble overlayed on google maps, is this girl’s intellectual property? And Turtleboy stole it? Sounds like a case for Richard N. Vulva!

      1. Coffee


        Black ice matters.

        1. Matt


          Don’t forget to use WHITE SALT to control the BLACK ICE

        2. wabbitt


          All ice matters!

      2. Strata


        She doesn’t even understand the concept of Intellectual Property. She’s reporting TB to the Police ….LMFAO

        Yeah Hi …….. Yeah, I’m laughing at you

    2. Wtf


      I think the center for black ice control may be interested in this case. There may be some serious governmental or alien influence at work here. better yet the car manufacturer that installed some magical road diversion device that is set to activate when road conditions are bad and there is an immediate need to immerse the vehicle in 10 degree water. See i figured it out. Its not stupid teenagers , its a protection device. Too bad we cant just throw idiots into freezing cold water and hope they wake up and necessary brain cells automatically engage. Now that would be a trick. And super marketable. It would allow us assholes the satisfaction of mild idiot torture AND increase the intelligence of morons. Win win if it were an actual thing. Lmao.

    3. EmfnT


      Forget what the cops have to say about her complaint. We know that it’s bullshit. I want to hear the cops comments on how that think this car managed to go thru several yards before taking an ice bath. I want to see the attached cident reconstruction report. You almost couldn’t pull this off if you TRIED!

    4. Archie


      I’m Jonesing for Desk Girl

    5. Black Cat


      Why don’t they call it Clear Ice. The ice isn’t black. The ice is clear but shows the black road underneath. All of these black terms should be banned. It’s racist. Black ice is bad, black Friday is bad (a friggin nightmare), a black eye is bad, and it isn’t even black it’s blue or gray, etc. So many negative terms using the word black. Let’s call things what they are. Even black cats get a bad rap.

      1. Turd Burglestein


        African American Ice?

        1. White Pride White Power


          Nigger ice

    6. Rocket scientist


      So the math was done. She traveled roughly 350 feet from street to fence (that’s 10 feet shorter than a football field from back of end zone to back of end zone). At 60mph a car travels 88fps, at 30mph it is 44fps, and at 20mph it is 29.333fps. Here is where it gets good.

      So if she was going 60mph it would be 350feet ÷ 88fps = 3.97727 seconds of travel doing 60mph the whole time.

      Now if she was going 30mph it would be 350feet ÷ 44fps = 7.95455 seconds of travel at 30mph the whole time.

      Finally if she was going 20mph it would be 350feet. ÷ 29.333fps = 11.93195seconds of travel at 20mph the whole time.

      None of those times reflect letting off the gas (because you have plenty of time to realize you stepped on the wrong peddle), drag from the few inches of snow slowing the car (yes it will slow you down), or trying to hit the brake (which would have slowed the car down and I would venture to guess stop within the 350feet before it went swimming).

      Oh and she was driving what looks like a 2005 Lexus es330 those have Electronic brakeforce distribution standard.

      I’m no brain surgeon but sounds to me like the whole thing could have been avoided. Anyway driver education sounds like a great idea for her even if she already went through it. Central Mass Safety Committee has a great Skid school…. Maybe she should try it.

    7. Aidantoucheskids


      Oh shit so I was right and it only took me 2 seconds of looking at the Map to see . I was right and he still trys to justify is shitty investigation. When all you had to do was look west. Haha. Such a dumb ass. Hopefully the Jefferson school system teaches his daughter better map reading haha.

      1. Tired of Don't Snitch Pussies


        You’re still fantasizing about a man molesting children, huh?

    8. Kei$ha


      Would be entertaining to find out what REALLY happened. That’s a pretty long distance to skid on black ice.

    9. Alexandra Compton


      I told you to take that down or I’m gonna tell my momma. We’s like to take bone rides before skool starts, my stupid sister just can’t drive high is all. Minds yo bidness people, this is why we hate yall.

      1. Matt


        Ohh snap. Watch out, we got a badass over here

        1. True Reality Speaks


          Cash me ousside. How bow dah?

    10. Old mill town inbreeding results


      Have heard people, say the south county is so messed up. Because of the water down there, they was serious. On second thought, think he was on to something. Per capita, it’s on the top for wackos.

      1. theotherbridge


        Way to maintain that stereotype, Uxbridge.

    11. paul


      So I have a theory on what really happened. two sisters smoking a bone on the way to school, drop the joint (or maybe a phone) in the car and are scrambling to find it. While they are looking around the car goes off the road and into the pool.

      Black ice is BS, a car that slides on black ice doesn’t turn hard right into a pool, it keeps going straight until it hits something to stop it. That hard right was due to bending down to look for the joint or phone that was dropped and pulling the wheel right when doing it. to go across that much lawn you would need to be on the gas as cars dont roll well on the grass, especially if there is snow on it. Guaranteed her foot was still on the gas when the car went into the pool.

      1. Precious Snowflake


        Of course her foot was on the gas. A car doesn’t coast 100 yds on grass. To say nothing about the loss of momentum when turning. Twice.

    12. Turd Burglestein


      Paging Richard N Vulva ESQ

    13. Fred Tucker


      Turtle boy sucks! Y’all lie about everything and exaggerate and act like a bunch of whiny bitches with parental issues! You look like a bunch of sniveling snot ridden babies after this one. Go buy a snot sucker from Wal-Mart for $.99 and get the fuck over it whine ass bitch!

      1. Tred Fucker


        Goo goo gah gah

      2. Buck Futts


        Hey Fred, are you black? You talk like one. If not, you should quit coonin.
        Just sayin.

      3. Turd Burglestein


        Hey Freddie boi…you should take that snot sucker, stuff it up your ass, then baste yourself in diarreah you shit nibblet.

    14. Kate


      Black Ice was to blame? I remember my first car accident- I myself slipped on black ice while driving and ended up running a red light and hitting a car- I told the officer it was black ice but he didn’t buy it… because it was May.

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