Boston’s self described “hottest up and coming comedian,” former Quincy rapper Lil Shayne Hoban called Uncle Turtleboy over the weekend and said he would think about coming on the Live Show to redeem himself after these text messages he sent to a woman were made public:
He also offered a bribe to take the blog down, blamed everyone but himself for the predicament he was in, and then whined about suicide via heroin to try to guilt us into removing the blog about him.
Then last night UT called him during the Live show and it turns out he changed his phone number, so I’m guessing that’s a hard pass.
Anyway, a turtle rider sent us some video from his last show in Braintree, and his act was everything you imagined it would be and more. Actually, scratch that. It was just everything you imagined it would be. For starters, he came out in a mask:
“If you guys are ready to pahhhhhtttyyy make some mother fucking noise right now, give it up for yourself, let’s go!”
First thing I wanted to do after that was kill myself with a bad batch of heroin. That was exactly what I pictured in my head. A schmuck with no talent laying the Boston accent on thick like he’s trying out for a regional Dunkin Donuts commercial, swearing to overcompensate for his lack of humor, and a generic “make some noise” to a crowd who has nothing to make any noise about. Next time keep the mask on please.
Just kidding. We all know there isn’t going to be a next time.
His act included this bit about the Me Too movement, which was just…..spectacular. Take a shot every time he says “ya know.”
You’re all dead from alcohol poisoning now, ya know?
“Ya know, Billy was talking about a Me Too movement earlier. I would tell me to go beyond the Me Too movement with Tom Brady. Tom Brady ya know, Tom Brady to me is like Chuck Norris, exactly like Chuck Norris, ya know? He has ummm, ya know, they have similar, ya know, characteristics with each other. Ya know. I don’t think Tom Brady, ya know, when he goes to church, ya know, I don’t think he prays to Jesus, I think Jesus prays to Tom Brady. I love Tom Brady. Ya know, I umm, I live in the city.”
Not sure what the joke was there, but he’s so relatable because he likes everyone’s favorite sportball icon Tom Brady. Ya know? Forty seconds to deliver a joke and the punchline was that Jesus prays to Tom Brady. After watching that I think it’s safe to assume that he didn’t need to harass and demean a woman if he wanted to destroy his career in standup comedy.
Finally there was this bit of comedy gold, which might be the most uncomfortable moment in the history of live entertainment.
“In my mind it’s like I’m trying to like, I’m trying to calm down, know what I mean? I’m really trying to calm down and it’s like the Emperor from Staaaah Wars is in my head. I’m trying to say no and he’s like, location one kenobi, two kenobi, three kenobi, hey you can even have a creampuff too it will be ok. And ummm it’s scary, it’s absolutely scary what’s going on in my head, ya know? I suffer from anxiety and depression and I’m trying to get rid of this devil, ya know? Umm, I haven’t been in Braintree in a long time, ummm, I’ll tell you a funny story, ummm.”
Definitely tell the crowd more about your depression and anxiety. They totally want to hear about that. That’s why they all paid money to go to a comedy club – to listen to you talk about your demons. The audience is your therapist. I can only imagine the “funny story” was he told the audience after that. I bet it had a lot of silent r’s at the end of words, included references to him feeling sorry for himself, and had a plethora of “ya know” thrown in when he had nothing to say.
If Lil Shayne wants to do some emergency CPR to his comedy career he’s more than welcome to come on Turtleboy and do his act live with us. On the bright side, it’s sill funnier than anything Amy Schumer has ever done.
Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:
Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: