Hoodrat Heroes

Meatball Madness Brawl In The Streets Of Springfield While Ratchets Watch In Their Pajamas Is Why You Should Never, Ever Go To Springfield

Meatball Madness Brawl In The Streets Of Springfield While Ratchets Watch In Their Pajamas Is Why You Should Never, Ever Go To Springfield

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Top 3 sources of quality ratchet brawls in New England – 3) Bristol, 2) Providence, 1) Springfield. Springfield ratchet brawls are the best ratchet brawls. Here’s the latest edition of cheesehogs gone wild…..

Oh man, you could see the gravy leaking from their pores all over the streets. Just another day in Springfield I suppose. Let’s go to the tape to see what transpired here.

It all starts when a woman, who obviously wore her fighting Jordan’s, found herself embraced in a hoodrat hug with another lurchbeast who easily had 50 kilograms on her. Naturally there was a woman standing over both of them holding a stick:

Because you never leave your stick at home when you’re going to throw down in the streets of Springfield.

What was this fight over? Your guess is as good as mine. But whatever it was, it was really, really important. Like, “who stole whose EBT card,” or “who called DCF on the other,” or “who said whose Jordan’s were bootleg Marshall’s brand on SnapChat.”

While trying to break up the fight the stick house tried to pull the hair of the hogfish lying on the ground. Big mistake, because this fupa-loompa wasn’t having none of that, and a side fight broke out:

Then all of a sudden the Queen Cheesehog rolled up holding the Kevin Lynch special – a nine iron:

Again, pretty standard. Bringing a golf club to a street fight is what passes as “fore”play in Springfield.

Next it was time for the swimsuit competition portion of the rowdy-down:


Finally when it seemed like things were settling down, Meatball Mary came out of nowhere and bitchslapped Jordan’s McGee:

After that someone started playing “Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting” and they all started dancing along.

Watch out for the hoodrat helicopter though.

It’ll get you every time.

Jordan’s McGee and her sewer guppy friend with the stick were clearly outnumbered, so fighting in this manner was a poor choice. And once they had the hogfish surrounded and on the ground, they stood over her and protected their prey from scavengers.

So they had to leave defeated, and they didn’t get their stick back either.

And of course Nine Iron Nancy, who obviously elected not to wear shoes in the pristine streets of Springfield, led the heard as they banished these rival hoodrats from the Kingdom of Rachetville.

Meanwhile women and children, most of whom were wearing their pajamas during the middle of the day, could only sit back and enjoy the daily gravy parade that marched through their neighborhood.

This is yet another example of why you should never, ever go to Springfield.



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12 Comment(s)
  • Charisma Beauty
    September 21, 2017 at 11:37 pm

    These poor misunderstood ladies. I’m sure they were merely settling a disagreement that had erupted during their chemistry class at one of the fine colleges in Springfield.

    If it was trash day the city could have just dumped all their lazy asses in the truck and hauled them away. That’s what should be done to garbage.

  • They call me Ponch
    September 21, 2017 at 9:48 pm

    Whole lotta pulling up of the “skinny” jeans

    EPIC !!!

  • More Fat Fuck EBT Inbreds
    September 21, 2017 at 8:03 pm

    Where’s a speeding out-of-control dump truck when you need one?

  • Springfield Shithole, Massachusetts!
    September 21, 2017 at 12:54 pm

    sure would hate to see what a REAL catastrophe would result in, in this God-forsaken SHITHOLE known as Springfield, Massachusetts!

  • The Rant Queen
    September 21, 2017 at 12:51 pm

    Springfield is indeed a terrible place. I don’t think they even have a “nice” section lmao. I’ve lived in various sections; Indian Orchard- small but every inch is terrible, though aesthetically it appears nice. West Springfield, is awful. Just awful. New Bridge Street/Century Plaza section is full of junkies and SSI abusers. (I know a few of them personally, unfortunately) And I wouldn’t take my kid to that park/water park if it was the last park on Earth. Even the Big E is just horrendous and it shows you just how many ppl abuse DTA and SSI. I’ve lived near the Forest Park area but I was too young to remember if the neighborhoods were really bad (late 80’s/early 90’s) but it looks like shit currently.

    Holyoke will always be #1 on my Worst Place I’ve Ever Lived list but Springfield is a very close runner up.

    • Anonymous
      September 22, 2017 at 11:44 am

      None of those in the photographs look like me or my family. I wonder why my family does not have street bawls. Oh I know why…

  • bigdaddy
    September 21, 2017 at 12:49 pm

    Are these events part of the Big E?

  • Sloppy
    September 21, 2017 at 12:18 pm

    I’ve begun the practice of letting my car idle in the driveway for a half hour after I get home from work every day, so I can contribute to climate change in the hopes that another freak tornado hits Springfield.

  • TheCureForHope
    September 21, 2017 at 12:11 pm

    If I didn’t read TB continuously, I would’ve never been woked to the fact that yes, people really do live this way.

    • Itsjustme
      September 21, 2017 at 10:58 pm

      Same here, I am actually proud to say I have absolutely no street cred (or whatever kids and ghetto adults say nowadays) nor do I have any desire to be anything like any of these people featured on this blog. I will gladly stay over in the burbs and just read about these animals thanking my lucky stars my children aren’t like this. I think I’ve been reading this site too long because nothing surprises me anymore, and when I first found it I couldn’t believe some of the stuff they wrote about actually happened.

  • Springfield Tourism Commision
    September 21, 2017 at 11:56 am

    See you in Court Turtle Boy!

  • Member When Barstool used to do blogs like this?
    September 21, 2017 at 11:50 am

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Springfield – at that exact time, a bunch of elderly people are not getting services because their CNAs were brawlin in the street. I think that big girl in the Maroon polo was “in uniform” #CNAs

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