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In today’s chapter of “Meanwhile in Ohio” we bring you the story of a suspected arson case in the town of Leavittsburg. The reason? What else – the suspect couldn’t hook up with his cousin:

Just another day in Ohio – the Florida of the North. And right when it looked like Indiana was going to take that title from them, Ohio comes back strong with a sordid tale of mystery, adultery, incest, and enchantment.

The line of questioning was fantastic:

Q: “When you first saw the flames, what did you first think?

A: “Oh my gosh. I never thought it was going to happen to us.”

She never thought she’d see her house go up in flames at the hands of her cousin. I doubt that very much.

Q:”Do you know who started this fire?”

A: “Yes I do. It’s because of my cousin. Because he can’t get with me. I’m married to my husband.”

LOL. So let me get this straight. The reason you wouldn’t hook up with your cousin, isn’t the fact that he’s, I dunno, your COUSIN. It’s the fact that you’re married to some guy who looks like every person I’ve ever seen in Walmart ever.

I also noticed that she said she’s “married to her husband.” Kind of a weird thing to say, since most women are by definition, married to their husbands. I guess it sounds a lot better than, “I can’t hook up with my cousin because I’m married to my brother.” Because let’s be honest, there is a 95% chance these two lovebirds are related.

Good to know she’s a woman of principles though. Sure she might engage in a little ol fashioned incest from time to time. But not when she’s married. That shit ends in Leavittsburg once you take your sacred vows and commit to a lifetime of NASCAR and biweekly showers.

And just think, when the Presidential election rolls around next year, THIS will be the state that probably decides the winner. Because living in Massachusetts you already know that your electoral votes are going to whoever has the big D in front of their name. But you never know who Ohio will pick, because it’s filled with magical people like this trio.

Just wanna take this time to give a special commendation to the reporter, who somehow managed to maintain professionalism and not burst out laughing. I’m glad to see Leon Phelps’ thousands of love children have grown up to do such great things.

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