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Revere Carnival Shooting Range Update: No Gunshot Victims, But Velociratchet Poophead Who Stole Carney Prizes Will Have Her Day In Court

The only confirmed injury seems to be someone who got caught in the stampede to safety, according to sources at Revere PD.








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Last night, we brought you breaking news about the annual Revere Ruckus Carnival where shots had been fired, sending weebles wobbling and waddling this way and that, taking shelter at the nearby Speedway and Walgreen’s Pharmacy just outside of Linden Square in Malden.


Info was pouring in by the second, and unconfirmed reports swirled. We’d heard an unconfirmed report regarding 4 victims, including a pregnant woman and a toddler, which were false so we’d like to retract that bit and will issue an update in the original blog as well. My bad, turtleriders.


A source with Revere PD confirmed to North Shore Turtlebabe that there was only one injury, not related to a gunshot, and it came from pounding pavement a little too fast across Squire Road. The only other casualties were 3 cars that were shot up in the parking lot. All in all, refreshing to hear; we’re glad no one was seriously injured and we hope whomever this person is has a speedy recovery.


In our data deluge, a velociratchet by the name of Elmo Reyes was brought to our attention. This poophead thought it’d be a great idea to document herself on social media raiding the carney stands of their plush prizes while everyone else fled in terror.



Heyooooo, Elmo, bad idea, toots.

We said last night we hoped the Revere fuzz were watching so they could bag this broad. Well of course they were! Local PDs love us and most ride the turtle religiously, and we all know that Turtleriders are the best, the brightest, the hottest, and just the hands-down best anywhere. A source with Revere PD let us know that she was on their radar and that she should probably keep her eye on her mailbox in the coming days. Gotta be smarter than that, Elmo!



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5 Comment(s)
  • R-Man WalrusBrah
    April 24, 2017 at 10:27 pm

    Woo hoo! Nothing like a rootin’ tootin’ shoot em’ up. Last week while training at my local rod and gun club, several young honies were trying to enjoy some vodka shots and were being molested by a group of Hell’s Angels. I whipped around and said, “Not today grasshoppers,” before letting loose a few dozen rounds of .45 ammo into the air above their heads. They ran for cover and I pursued, karate chopping them. Afterward I was handsomely rewarded with being allowed to cop a feel, before returning to my home only to find that it had been foreclosed because I am broke and a fat ass loser. However, the point is that a good gunfight can go a long way towards restoring order and alerting the local community that shit is going down.

  • Mike Hunt
    April 17, 2017 at 11:18 pm

    they can’t prove if she actually stole the prizes or won them

    • Papa stretchnuts
      April 19, 2017 at 5:39 am

      Aside from the status saying she swiped them

  • ZephyrCat
    April 17, 2017 at 11:29 am

    This is why I hate chinks. They are either doing math problems for fun or ripping of carnies for a Boo Boo Kitty stuffed animal!

    • V'Ger
      April 17, 2017 at 4:53 pm

      I think you have your racist words mixed up =x

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