Whoever designed the Shoppes at Blackstone Valley can go ahead and burn in hell.
Editor’s Note: We published this blog two years ago but we like to share it at Christmas time because the Millbury mall will always be a clusterfuck at Christmastime.
I’ve never been to hell, but I would imagine it’s something like the Shoppes at Blackstone Valley in Millbury during Christmas season. I hardly ever go to this God forsaken cesspool of traffic and consumerism, but around this time of year you kind of have no choice. Sure I could’ve been responsible and ordered everything online, but I was too busy writing blogs about the Big E. Anyway here’s why this place is so terrible….
First of all, there’s only one way in and one way out. Whoever came up with this plan should be put in shackles and chains for the entire month of December in the middle of this intersection:
After patiently waiting for your light to turn green you will get the chance to go. Then of course it will turn red right before you get to the light because the woman three cars up from you was busy posting her next meal to Instagram instead of driving.
Then you will approach one of many stops to come, as a stream of morons who just splurged at Michael’s exit with their bags full of crafts.
I don’t know who is on the receiving end of those Michael’s gifts, but whoever it is is gonna have a pretty crappy Christmas.
Well I just so happened to wanna go to the Paper Store and Barnes and Noble, which means after you pass the first checkpoint then you get to come across this one:
After ten minutes of sitting there you will be here:
That’s way closer!! Finally you will be directed to turn into this shit:
The parking lot in this place is just like a pack of rabid, starving vultures looking for an easy kill. Everywhere you look you will see cars just like yourself, driving around in circles looking to see those beautiful, glorious brake lights, indicating that someone is about to back out of a spot.
And right on cue you will almost always be the SECOND person to find one of these elderly zebras on the plains, which means your hunger for a parking spot will continue to be unfulfilled.
Like clockwork. Every time you see someone about to pull out of a spot you are almost guaranteed to see one of these scavengers waiting to pounce on the kill:
Another situation you’re likely to get into is the idiot who doesn’t realize that the person JUST parked in the spot that they think they’re getting. Because when you see the brake lights come on you naturally get all this Christmas joy in your pants. Like this guy in the black SUV. They think they’ve skoped out some secret spot and they’re just waiting out their kill.
But of course the person they’re waiting on isn’t going anywhere and this causes a giant cluster fuck. So you follow the leader through the lot hoping to see something they don’t. And OF COURSE these geniuses can’t figure out how to take a sharp turn, and OF COURSE this happens:
Now both parties have to go in reverse and Turtleboy is just trying not to have his head explode. All I wanted was some Christmas joy for Mrs. Turtleboy, but apparently this side of the mall isn’t happening. So I decided to go check out the bigger stores on the OTHER side of the mall, which of course led to more of this shit:
FML. I’m never gonna leave Millbury.
Finally I found a spot at the greatest store in the history of the world – Marshalls. Love that place. It’s the perfect store for scavengers that want name brand shit that they couldn’t sell for full price at Macy’s. After buying a bunch of crap for the people I love it was time to leave, which of course led to more of this:
I just want to scream at the people coming in, “Turn around and go home!! It’s not worth it.” After another ten minutes of waiting you get to laugh at the thousands of morons who are about to fight each other for spots:
and then of course you get to wait in line for another ten minutes for your chance to get the fuck out of there and never come back:
I’d say that I never will go back there ever again, but we all know that’s a lie.
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