So Much Southbridge Butthurt Blowback From This Amazing Rockwellian Photograph

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Last Saturday we blogged about this Pulitzer-worthy snapshot from Southbridge that someone on our Facebook roster posted:

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That picture is amazing. It should be hung in museums. I’ve never seen a photographer fully enrapture a small town USA in one picture more than this photographer did for the town of Southbridge. Donald Trump should use this picture in commercials when he shits on NAFTA.

Look, we’re bluntly honest here at Turtleboy Sports. And anyone who is being honest with themselves has to admit that Southbridge is a dump. There’s no way around it. You can tell me about how great it was back in the day, and how there’s still a lot of good people in town, and blah, blah, blah. That’s all true, and it’s fine and dandy, but it doesn’t change the fact that much of Southbridge looks like this:

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Sorry. Facts only at Turtleboy Sports.

Anyway, the purpose of this blog wasn’t to shit on this guy. It was more the ambiance of the photograph. Let’s be honest – it has a very Normal Rockwell feel to it. Just look at it again:

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If this was hanging in a museum (as it should be) people would staring at it for hours, getting into debates about their own interpretation of this work of art. Why is this man riding such a nice bike with such gigantic tires? How come he can afford such nice bike, but he can’t spring for Bud Light? Is it even possible to enjoy the taste of Natty Ice? I thought you just drank that stuff to get piss drunk as quickly as possible when you were 17. Had no idea adults actually drank this stuff. Does he have to practice steering with one hand while carrying a 30 rack in the other? Because it looks hard, but the look on his face makes you think it’s so routine at this point. Why is the fence in the background fallen over? Was it the tornado from a few years ago? Have they not had enough time to clean it up? Do all the cracks in asphalt symbolize the never ending stream of broken dreams in Southbridge? Who is that strange man entering the photograph to the right? Is he wearing Vans or Airwalks?

You could go on and on about this picture for hours. That’s literally the whole point of our blog. This is what your town starts to look like when you open up a welfare office and the ball bearings factory closes down.

Anyway, as usual the butthurt patrol had to take it the wrong way. This happens every time we crap on some podunk town. Please people, if you don’t have a sense of humor, go and read the Huffington Post. This isn’t the blog for you. Turtleboy is not evil and he doesn’t hate people. He’s just not afraid to sit back and laugh at some of the comical things that we all see on a day to day basis. Let’s check out some of the commentary…..

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Turtle dick. Love it. I dunno “Brandy,” Holland is pretty nice. At least it looked nice when we did our bone ride through there. But if you said Wales, then you’d have a point. Wales is Holland’s ugly twin sister, which we found out when did our bone ride through Holland and Wales. Maybe the most underrated pit in Worcester County.

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Then there’s stuff like this:

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Alright, first of all, we never said he didn’t have a job. We said there was a welfare office in Southbridge (which there is), which in turn has turned the town to shit (which it has). These are just scientific facts. This guy is just the subject of the artwork, and Southbridge is the background. He is your average Joe from Southbridge, caught up in the whirlwind and debauchery, who likes his Natty Ice, but for unknown reasons drives a bike to pick up his 30 racks, rather than a car. Why is he driving a bike? We don’t know. But it’s certainly not common, which is what makes the picture so fascinating.

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As you can see, Linda Haber-Silva has blocked us on Facebook. But she works in real estate, and blogs like this apparently are hurting her bottom line. And for the record, we have posted the nice parts of many towns before. Some towns don’t even have shitty parts. But as a realtor Linda can’t deny that you can get a home for cheap in Southbridge because no one wants to live there. She knows that and she wants to blame Turtleboy for driving down property value. This is her scheme.

As for the “Turtleboy is a teacher who was fired for inappropriate comments at a Bills game” schtick, two can play that game. First of all, in case you can’t tell from some of our political takes, there is clearly more than one Turtleboy. Obviously. Secondly, no one cares who any of these Turtleboy’s are. Either you agree or disagree with what they have to say. Thirdly, if you’re a realtor, you probably shouldn’t just go making stuff up about other people. Because two can play that game. We posted similar baseless allegations about Linda (which were removed by Facebook) and she was none too pleased about it:

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Yes!!! More Internet lawsuits!!!

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She can make shit up, but no one else can. Yup, that seems about right!!

Then the fam showed up:

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We must’ve missed the part where we said he was on welfare, doesn’t work, and is an asshole for riding a bike. But please, feel free to come to Worcester anytime and photograph our world famous hookers. Worcester generally looks like shit. No argument there. Don’t you people get it? We crap on cruddy looking places. We’re not anti-Worcester or anti-Southbridge. We’re anti-crud. We attempted to explain this to Nancy, but it didn’t go very well:

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Then the son chimed in about how Turtleboy got owned by his ma dukes:

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“He doesn’t drive because he doesn’t want to get a DUI.” Or you could just drive when you’re not drunk. Whatever works.

Anyway, SOME people at least still have a sense of humor:

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Brilliant. Funny because it’s true.

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Not sure, but it also avoids Worcester and Springfield so that would make perfect sense.

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Thank you. And she’s right. Warren is classic low hanging Turtleboy fruit. Fun, but too easy.

Anyway, we hope this taught you all a valuable lesson. Don’t get so worked up about Turtleboy. It’s just a satirical blog. If we crap on your town it doesn’t mean we’re crapping on you. Enjoy life and try not to be so butthurt all the time.

 

 

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Discussion

  1. Joe Max


    You’re correct about the photo, it says a lot in a active and passive way. Many people always jump to the negatives immediately. Usually witness the cynical, unaware and negative thinkers daily.

  2. Doc


    Good Lord. I’m a Webster guy and I get bothered by the smack talked about my town like any other resident might. I can’t fight it because it’s usually spot-on. This pic *is* a sign of the times out in old Southbridge. There’s also nothing wrong with it. I’ve taken bicycles a few times, and walked many times (even including stroller when my son was younger) to go and get beer. Sometimes it was because I was buzzed and shouldn’t have been driving. Other times, I didn’t want to wake the ex or couldn’t find the neighbor that was blocking my car in, or maybe even just to be somewhat healthier or enjoy some nice weather. If some blogger got a hold of a photo of me biking with beer and called it “The Most Webster Thing Ever,” I’d probably print out glossy 8 x 10s , autograph ’em and sell ’em. It’s always been cool for people to post photos of themselves drinking beer at Paddy’s Wigwam for example. This guy was probably on his way to drink some of those beers at a place with better friends, or at least better music than Paddy’s.

    1. wabbitt


      Raising my glass to you, fellow Websterite. I don’t drive and am man enough to admit that I’m an adult who never learned to ride a bicycle. If I saw a picture of myself lugging groceries home on foot in the searing heat through Webster’s finest slum, I’d laugh it off.

      Some people have no sense of humor. Like the chick who censored out bastard and fucking, but left in bitch and ass.

  3. juror seven


    Holland is pretty nice. At least it looked nice when we did our bone ride through there. But if you said Wales, then you’d have a point. Wales is Holland’s ugly twin sister, which we found out when did our bone ride through Holland and Wales. Maybe the most underrated pit in Worcester County. Both are in Hampden County.

    Don’t know how to break this to you but, neither Holland or Wales are in Worcester County. Small point, don’t let it get in the way of attempting to get a point across. By the way is that Sid Hudson’s Used Auto Sales in the back ground?

  4. Adam H


    Uhh. You can get an OUI for riding a bike on a public road while drunk…

  5. Cheryl St.Pierre


    It just so happens the guy on the bike (car was being repaired) has a full time job and works very hard. He is also an all around kind and respectful person, which is more than I can say about Turtle Boy. Enough with the vendetta against Southbridge and it’s residents!

    1. Shackleford


      100% chance Cheryl St. Pierre drives a Bonneville.

      1. wabbitt


        And has frizzy hair. And smells like she hasn’t washed her snatch in weeks.

  6. Q


    Honestly. Thats a fantastic photo. Ive literally seen photography books/art shows about America with similar pictures. This perfectly captures the a piece of the blue collar culture of central mass/this part of new england. Im impresed. What is in his pocket though/hanging off his belt?

    1. FiestyLawyerLady


      Looks like a pint of alcohol to me. Hard to tell though.

  7. GoneWest


    So TB’s reaction to her comment about Buffalo was to make up a molestation story about her? How petty can you get?

  8. Outside looking In


    The funny thing about this is anyone could be offended by any comments made by a couple keyboard warrior stoners from fucking Worcester of all places.. I know I take everything said by a self proclaimed stoner who went to UMass Amhurts seriously and straight to the heart.

  9. JoeMomma


    Brandy does look like an expert on the subject of sucking dick.

  10. Dom


    You see people riding bicycles carrying 18 packs (no 30 packs in FL) of natty everyday in some of neighborhoods close to me. When i first saw it, i thought the same thing … “must be a DUI” or “Welfare alcoholic”

    One day I met one of the guys that i frequently riding a bike and see him getting on his bike in the store parking lot and he dropped the case – all the cans went everywhere so i stopped to help him pick them up before someone ran them over. After talking for a minute, he explained that he worked at a construction company that’s about 20 miles from his house. He leaves his house every morning at 0500 and rides his bike 2 miles to the bus stop, takes the bus to the closest stop near his work and rides another 1.5 miles to the shop where he gets his job assignment and rides with the crew to the job site. The bus doesn’t drop him off back near his home until 7pm.

    He says people yell stuff at him out of their car windows all the time when he is bringing home some beer to try to shame him and he says it use to bother him, but not anymore. He said “I have a wife and 2 kids, i am gone from my house from 5AM – 7PM and get paid $14 per hour for 8-9 hrs per day.” They live pay day to pay day so they do not have an extra couple of thousand for a car and even if they did, the monthly insurance payment is out of their budget. At the end of the week, 5 – 14+ hour days (door to door) he deserves an 18 pack for the weekend.

    After listening to his story, i could not agree more that he earned that 18 pack … tossed his bike in the back of my truck and drove him home.

  11. BobnMic


    I have like 100 kick ass Mtn. bikes like that at my vacation home in the Alps. I was going to bring my internet girlfriend Fiesty there for a week of skiing and hot tub action but I had to dump her and break her heart because she fell for me so hard it was getting weird.

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