Last Saturday we blogged about this Pulitzer-worthy snapshot from Southbridge that someone on our Facebook roster posted:
That picture is amazing. It should be hung in museums. I’ve never seen a photographer fully enrapture a small town USA in one picture more than this photographer did for the town of Southbridge. Donald Trump should use this picture in commercials when he shits on NAFTA.
Look, we’re bluntly honest here at Turtleboy Sports. And anyone who is being honest with themselves has to admit that Southbridge is a dump. There’s no way around it. You can tell me about how great it was back in the day, and how there’s still a lot of good people in town, and blah, blah, blah. That’s all true, and it’s fine and dandy, but it doesn’t change the fact that much of Southbridge looks like this:
Sorry. Facts only at Turtleboy Sports.
Anyway, the purpose of this blog wasn’t to shit on this guy. It was more the ambiance of the photograph. Let’s be honest – it has a very Normal Rockwell feel to it. Just look at it again:
If this was hanging in a museum (as it should be) people would staring at it for hours, getting into debates about their own interpretation of this work of art. Why is this man riding such a nice bike with such gigantic tires? How come he can afford such nice bike, but he can’t spring for Bud Light? Is it even possible to enjoy the taste of Natty Ice? I thought you just drank that stuff to get piss drunk as quickly as possible when you were 17. Had no idea adults actually drank this stuff. Does he have to practice steering with one hand while carrying a 30 rack in the other? Because it looks hard, but the look on his face makes you think it’s so routine at this point. Why is the fence in the background fallen over? Was it the tornado from a few years ago? Have they not had enough time to clean it up? Do all the cracks in asphalt symbolize the never ending stream of broken dreams in Southbridge? Who is that strange man entering the photograph to the right? Is he wearing Vans or Airwalks?
You could go on and on about this picture for hours. That’s literally the whole point of our blog. This is what your town starts to look like when you open up a welfare office and the ball bearings factory closes down.
Anyway, as usual the butthurt patrol had to take it the wrong way. This happens every time we crap on some podunk town. Please people, if you don’t have a sense of humor, go and read the Huffington Post. This isn’t the blog for you. Turtleboy is not evil and he doesn’t hate people. He’s just not afraid to sit back and laugh at some of the comical things that we all see on a day to day basis. Let’s check out some of the commentary…..
Turtle dick. Love it. I dunno “Brandy,” Holland is pretty nice. At least it looked nice when we did our bone ride through there. But if you said Wales, then you’d have a point. Wales is Holland’s ugly twin sister, which we found out when did our bone ride through Holland and Wales. Maybe the most underrated pit in Worcester County.
Then there’s stuff like this:
Alright, first of all, we never said he didn’t have a job. We said there was a welfare office in Southbridge (which there is), which in turn has turned the town to shit (which it has). These are just scientific facts. This guy is just the subject of the artwork, and Southbridge is the background. He is your average Joe from Southbridge, caught up in the whirlwind and debauchery, who likes his Natty Ice, but for unknown reasons drives a bike to pick up his 30 racks, rather than a car. Why is he driving a bike? We don’t know. But it’s certainly not common, which is what makes the picture so fascinating.
As you can see, Linda Haber-Silva has blocked us on Facebook. But she works in real estate, and blogs like this apparently are hurting her bottom line. And for the record, we have posted the nice parts of many towns before. Some towns don’t even have shitty parts. But as a realtor Linda can’t deny that you can get a home for cheap in Southbridge because no one wants to live there. She knows that and she wants to blame Turtleboy for driving down property value. This is her scheme.
As for the “Turtleboy is a teacher who was fired for inappropriate comments at a Bills game” schtick, two can play that game. First of all, in case you can’t tell from some of our political takes, there is clearly more than one Turtleboy. Obviously. Secondly, no one cares who any of these Turtleboy’s are. Either you agree or disagree with what they have to say. Thirdly, if you’re a realtor, you probably shouldn’t just go making stuff up about other people. Because two can play that game. We posted similar baseless allegations about Linda (which were removed by Facebook) and she was none too pleased about it:
Yes!!! More Internet lawsuits!!!
She can make shit up, but no one else can. Yup, that seems about right!!
Then the fam showed up:
We must’ve missed the part where we said he was on welfare, doesn’t work, and is an asshole for riding a bike. But please, feel free to come to Worcester anytime and photograph our world famous hookers. Worcester generally looks like shit. No argument there. Don’t you people get it? We crap on cruddy looking places. We’re not anti-Worcester or anti-Southbridge. We’re anti-crud. We attempted to explain this to Nancy, but it didn’t go very well:
Then the son chimed in about how Turtleboy got owned by his ma dukes:
“He doesn’t drive because he doesn’t want to get a DUI.” Or you could just drive when you’re not drunk. Whatever works.
Anyway, SOME people at least still have a sense of humor:
Brilliant. Funny because it’s true.
Not sure, but it also avoids Worcester and Springfield so that would make perfect sense.
Thank you. And she’s right. Warren is classic low hanging Turtleboy fruit. Fun, but too easy.
Anyway, we hope this taught you all a valuable lesson. Don’t get so worked up about Turtleboy. It’s just a satirical blog. If we crap on your town it doesn’t mean we’re crapping on you. Enjoy life and try not to be so butthurt all the time.
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