We need to take a minute to talk about the madness that is New England super markets before a snowstorm.
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Have people around here never seen snow before? Because I can’t say I’ve ever seen anything quite like every supermarket I passed by today. It was insane. Like, it’s gonna be fine tomorrow. Everyone knows that right? All that powdered milk you bought today is gonna get thrown in the trash once you realize you can just order a pizza on Sunday. Turtleboy just needed some cream today. That’s it. Because only a savage drinks their coffee black. And Honey Farms doesn’t sell that good flavored stuff so we made the mistake of dealing with one of these mobs today. It was awful. Someone sent us this picture from their trip to the Webster Price Chopper which kind of illustrates exactly what Turtleboy went through, and also is the funniest picture we’ve ever seen.
That face you make when you’re standing in line with the mob and everyone’s got a cart full of emergency provisions and all you wanna do is just buy your tacos and get the fuck out of there.
We feel your pain bro. Sometimes you just need to eat a taco.
It’s insane. The whole concept of picking a line at the super market is outdated and archaic. It’s such bullshit. You see three lines. One of them has 4 people, one has 3 people, and one has 2 people. You have to instantly analyze so many factors so you don’t get boned:
- How much shit does each person have in their car?
- Is the person running the register a lethargic teenager with no fucks to give, an older person with nothing but time to kill, the new guy who can’t figure out how the machine works and has to call the manager, or the vibrant youngster who just started their shift and isn’t completely burnt out yet?
- Does the ringer have a bagger, or do they have to do both jobs?
- The line with two people looks appealing, but does either of these customers look like somehow who has a wristlet full of coupons which they will slowly use one at a time?
- Do any of the people in line look like they’re the type who don’t mind disputing the cost of a product, thus forcing the clerk to call over a manager and have someone run to that aisle to see what the listed sales price is?
It’s such bullshit. Should be first come, first serve. When I’m at CVS and I see two lines I always stand directly in the middle of the two lines. When someone comes from behind me and asks me what line I’m in I say, “whatever one gets me to the front first.” Because why should you go before me if I got there before you? I have everything to lose by picking a line. If you get to the register before me, you win. If you get to the register after me, it’s a draw because you got in line after me. You can’t lose, but I can’t win.
Here’s another thing. Notice the lines go all the way back to the aisles.
When I’m coming down aisle 7, and I need to make a quick stop in aisle 6 to pick up some cat litter, how am I supposed to make that hairpin turn when there’s some poor fool getting ready for the zombie apocalypse blocking my way with a cart full of powdered milk while standing in line for checkout counter 12?
Super markets need to do what Marshall’s does, because Marshall’s is the greatest store that has ever existed. Everyone stands in one gigantic line. When a register is open the light goes on and the next person in line goes to that register. It’s the only way to run a store in a civilized society.
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