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As part of Turtleboy’s continuing zip trip bone ride dump tour de New England, we’re taking trips all over the area to rate the places we visit from nicest to dumpiest. Today we went to the smallest state in the country – good ol’ Rhode Island – to explore the magical villages of the Ocean State. Just a disclaimer for the inevitable whining we always get with these blogs – if you can’t look at a bunch of shitty looking landscape and chuckle, this might not be the blog for you. For instance, in Providence there is a picture of a bicycle wheel stuck in a tree. This is funny because normally bicycle wheels don’t end up in trees. So yea, if you’re one of the butthurts who always complain that Turtleboy is just shitting all over these towns, you’re right. But it’s OK because Turtleboy is from a shitty city. So the rest of us will have fun during the 10-15 minutes it takes to read these blogs, so feel free to go play in traffic while the rest of us actually enjoy life.
Here’s the Top 5 Biggest Dumps In Rhode Island
5. West Warwick
A lot of Rhode Islanders messaged us about this place. Honestly, we were hoping for dumpier. Sure there are your standard boarded up buildings:
Shoes hanging from electric wires
Urban savannah couch drop offs
And West Warick yard sales
But Turtleboy was honestly hoping for dumpier. There’s too many nice parts of West Warwick for this to rank any higher.
A lot of Pawtucket looks like a great place to bring a prostitute, and the economy is booming:
They have a weekly “free soiled mattress Thursday”
Their abandoned, overgrown lots are protected by barbed wire fences, in case any young hoodlums are in the market for some Pawtucket tumbleweeds
There’s a lot of new housing developments
And generally the first sign that you know you’re in a dumpy town is once you start seeing the satellite dishes
Satellite dishes are like a badge of honor in the hood. Seriously, drive through any shitty neighborhood in any city in America. The more satellite dishes, the shittier the weed.
Pawtucket is a pretty run down, post industrial cesspool of Ocean State tears, but the one thing they still have going for them are the PawSox. PawSox stuff is everywhere:
Oh wait, the PawSox are getting the hell out of Pawtucket, so this place should easily be #1 when we do this zip trip again in five years.
Lou Merloni loves this place because he’s lived here longer than anyone else. I have to admit, it is a great place to sit at home all day and watch traffic from your living room window:
If you’re looking for some Mad Dog 20/2o or cigarillos, then Gee’s Liquor is the best value in town.
They probably have the greatest slogan in the history of small businesses – “Get Yur DrinkX-ON Gee’S.” I know I don’t leave there without a bottle of Henny and a calling card:
Yes, apparently calling cards are still a thing.
Just watch out for those Pawtucket McDonald’s though – the soft serve machines have a tendency to blow up directly in your face.
Providence was built by the mob which means that the part outsiders see will be really nice, but the rest will be a gigantic wasteland of failed government programs. Downtown Providence is lovely, and unlike in downtown Worcester there are normal, taxpaying citizens walking around, as opposed to junkies taking their afternoon naps:
But once you start going south, that’s when the fun starts. Providence has a never ending supply of grown men who don’t have to work on a Wednesday afternoon
vacant lots everywhere
Oddly colored liquor stores
A vibrant local art scene
Boarded up vacants
Boarded up vacants that still have satellite dishes
Check cashing joints
Front porches propped up by makeshift cinder blocks
And bicycle wheels randomly hanging from trees
So if you’re in Providence you might as well pull up a chair and stay a while. You can bring your own, or you can use the one that every homeless guy in Providence has urinated on.
Located right down the street from Blackstone, MA, this small city of 40,000 is as far away from the Ocean as you can get in Rhode Island. Yet for whatever reason in Woonsocket, it’s an unwritten rule that you have to have a shipwrecked boat in your yard:
Because why wouldn’t you have a shipwrecked boat in your yard in Woonsocket? Sometimes you can kill two birds with one stone by tossing discarded pickup truck parts on top of your shipwrecked yard boat.
Bonus points if you write weird shit all over it
I know that when I die, I wanna be memorialized on an abandoned boat/truck next to this lovely river in Woonsocket:
Local residents will tell you that this breathtaking waterway is also a great place to dump a body.
Oh, and good news for Woonsocket residents – every day is trash day. You literally just throw all your shit in the parking lot of your choice and no one cares.
Every post-industrial building in Woonsocket looks like somewhere Shredder would train The Foot before they got their asses kicked by four mutant turtles.
There’s also a never ending supply of railroad tracks that haven’t been used since Old Balls was in grammar school. And everyone knows railroad tracks are the best place for bums to take a dump.
When driving through Woonsocket it is not odd to see random women sitting on the sidewalk for absolutely no reason
Abandoned buildings covered in satellite dishes
Junkyards as far as the eye can see
And rotting boxsprings adjacent to abandoned buildings where Woonsocket’s finest make sweet, delicious love to one another.
1. Central Falls
The worst thing you can do in Central Falls is get a job. It severely cuts into the chillin’ time. Because you will never see so many able bodied individuals chillin’ on any given day than you will in Central Falls.
You can freely smoke blunts in the street
Take a nap on the boxspring of your choice
Explore Central Falls overgrown fenced in lots
Check out their matching vacant and boarded up buildings
Grab a 40 of Old English
Use your EBT card pretty much everywhere
Tour the historic Central Falls mansions
Do the usual things you do in gigantic dumps, like count satellite dishes
Draw your doodles on other people’s property
And of course head down to the mill and ask if they’re still hiring.
Spoiler alert – they’re not hiring.
This is Central Falls High School:
In 2010 Obama made an example of this school by forcing them to fire their entire faculty because test scores were too low, which made them a “failing school.” Because as you can see from the landscape in Central Falls, everything is fine in town, and if the kids there aren’t doing well on tests, it’s probably because the teachers aren’t doing whatever Michelle Pfeifer did in Dangerous Minds to reach those kids. Teachers unions responded in 2012 by not supporting Obama’s bid for reelection. LOL. Just kidding. He’s a democrat so they just kept throwing cash at him.
To the Turtleboys who rolled through the Ocean State today, it’s pretty clear that Central Falls was far and away the worst. But I still think the dumps in Massachusetts are dumpier than these. Every city we visited today had at least a few nice areas of town that made it inhabitable. Except for Central Falls. There is no God in Central Falls. My question is, if we were to pick the biggest dump in New England, who ya got – Central Falls or Lawrence?
And where should we zip trip to next?
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