Bone Ride

Tour de Turtle 420 Bone Ride: Paxton, Rutland, Hubbardston, Barre, Oakham, North Brookfield, New Braintree, Hardwick, Ware

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What better way to spend this holiday 420 than with a Tour de Turtle bone ride? We were overdue. Just for the record we will be going to all 351 towns and cities, ranking them on a master list as we go along. When we’ve hit them all we will be doing a bone ride bracket challenge. We will be selecting the 64 dumpiest towns and cities, and seeding them 1-16 for each of the four regions. Turtle riders will vote on each and every matchup until we have selected the dumpiest in the entire state. Let’s see how today’s towns looked. We hit up the following locales in this order: Paxton, Rutland, Hubbardston, Barre, Oakham, North Brookfield, New Braintree, Hardwick, Ware. 

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1. Rutland

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Turtleboy enjoys civilization. The TB clan wasn’t cut out to be country folk. We also like newer looking places. And a lot of these towns look like they did back when the Pilgrims were there. Not Rutland though. Rutland is a great town, and easily the nicest on the bone ride today. The pictures speak for themselves. The Rutland lifestyle, is the right lifestyle. It’s a little hilly, but it will get your ass in shape.

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2. Paxton

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Paxton and Rutland were the only two towns we visited today that resembled civilization. There’s nothing wrong with Paxton, it’s just not quite as spiffy looking as Rutland.

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3. North Brookfield

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So the next 7 towns are all the boonies. North Brookfield was the closest one to resembling an actual town. There were some newer looking homes:

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Unlike a lot of the other places we went to, there are actual streets and neighborhoods, as opposed to megafarms and Unabomber style shacks.

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But…..downtown makes you feel like the British might attack at any given moment.

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And then there’s tons of run down looking crap lying around town.

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And the roads are in tip top condition.

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But if you’re the type who likes to get away, but still have a couple stores, parks, and neighborhoods, then you’ll like North Brookfield. Just don’t go there in the winter because the plowing is infamously craptacular.

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4. Hubbardston

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One thing we really enjoyed about Hubbardston on this bone ride was the fact that you can drive really fast there. The whole town is like a wide open freeway.

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But like I said, the second you leave Rutland you’ve officially entered the middle of nowhere. Everything looks old, there’s farms everywhere, and neighborhoods don’t exist. But there’s some nice looking parks, and lots of land. So if you hate people, then Hubbardston might be the right place for you.

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5. Oakham

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Oakham makes Hubbardston look like New York City. As usual, everything looks old, run down, and beaten up by God. Everyone once in a while a nice new home appears, but for the most part no one in town has done any updates to their homes since the Gettysburg Address.

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6. New Braintree

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There is absolutely no reason for New Braintree to exist. None. Well, unless you’re looking for a place to do a bone ride and don’t wanna see any cops. It is a pass-through town with no identity. This is what the center of town looks like:

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Not even kidding. Downtown New Braintree. Even Goddamn Colrain has a downtown. If Colrain has things that you don’t, then you have no reason to exist. There can’t be more than 1,000 people who live here, and some of them keep up their property better than others. All in all I can safely say that Turtleboy won’t be going back to New Braintree any time soon unless WANDA rolls something up for us.

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7. Barre

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Barre is far away, old looking, and boring. And downtown is normally a nice looking common area, but right now it’s just a clusterfuck.

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Once again, there’s not really any neighborhoods like you imagine in the burbs. The only people with neighbors are those who live on the main roads.

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Nothing wrong with that. But South Barre is a horse of a different color. There’s some rally magical places in South Barre.

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One thing we’ve noticed when we go from town to town like this, is that if your neighbor has a school bus parked in their driveway, you’re probably in a dumpy part of town.

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The other tell tale sign that your neighbors bookshelf has been converted to a mini bar are the “We accept EBT” signs in the only market for miles.

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8. Hardwick

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So Hardwick is a big town carved out by the Quabbin Reservoir, which means lots of room for people. So there’s a lot of this going on:

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As you can see, it’s pretty old looking, there’s plenty of room, and not much to do. So as a result this is what a good time looks like in Hardwick:

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This is what downtown looks like.

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But the vast majority of the population seems to live in a really dumpy part of town called Gilbertville. Gilbertville is kind of like Colrain and Charlemont. It’s a phenomenon that I don’t understand and can’t figure out. Why do you wanna live in a place that looks like Webster Square, but is smack dab in the middle of nowhere? I mean, we have plenty of filth out here in Worcester. But at least if you’re stuck in Webster Square you can walk to Moe’s or Dunkins or the 7/11. In Gilbertville you’re just stuck in Gilbertville. And the entire economy seems to revolve around the Cumberland Farms.

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So yea, that’s why Hardwick is ranked so low. If it weren’t for Gilbertville it would probably be a lot higher.

 

9. Ware

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Obviously. Ware is in the running for a 1 seed in our dump bracket challenge. It seems like a great place to live, especially if you’re saving up money to go to the Monster truck rally. As you can see, the lawns and property are all well maintained:

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There are some great views:

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Thriving businesses

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Majestic allies

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Parking lots of broken dreams

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State of the art shopping centers

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Non-racist people waving the flag of an imaginary country that never existed and declared war on the country they currently live in:

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Trump converts:

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Breathtaking neighborhoods

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And people standing around, ripping butts, and wearing what we like to call “Ware-wear,” which is mainly pajamas and cut off t-shirts, and/or tapered jeans.

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God have mercy on Ware.

Anyway, it was a great way to spend 420? Did we get this list right? And where should the next bone ride go to?

 

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20 Comment(s)
  • SWAMP DONG
    April 14, 2018 at 2:59 am

    I disagree with you Big D, good sir. Ware/ Warren/ Wales/ Brimfield/ Monson/ Brookfield is the most depressing place in MA by far. Palmer, Belchertown and Ludlow are likewise dumpy, but they at least have major businesses. The majority of places in the Ware hell-sphere are populated by individuals which are undoubtedly incestious.

    To your point, however, Berkshire county is insanely trashy, as is Franklin.

  • The Big D
    February 2, 2018 at 6:31 pm

    You gotta go to North Adams. North Adams makes Ware look like Beverly Hills

  • Anonymous
    May 19, 2016 at 6:02 pm

    You should feel terrible about your website. Not everyone in this world has the means to live in a nice house or a house at all. Some have to deal with what they got even if everything is falling apart. So you have no right invading anyones privacy and taking pictures of them or there homes.

    • Ashley's Thighmaster
      June 1, 2016 at 10:20 pm

      Ohhhhhh fuck you you anal wart. Go stick another hair brush up your twat.

  • Homesick Now
    April 23, 2016 at 1:20 am

    Gotta say you really blew it, as to New Braintree, which does have a very attractive town center…it’s just small and nowhere near the main road (Route 67). It’s really lovely open country, with rolling scenic views. You also missed Reed’s Country Store, ON that main drag…it’s the local chat ‘n chew and a nice spot. I lived in adjacent North Brookfield for 30 years and, were I ever to return to that county, New Braintree would be my 1st choice.

  • Rutlander
    April 22, 2016 at 2:24 pm

    Lived lots of places, Love Rutland! Got a flat, was in a suit so I called AAA, 7 people stopped and offered to help. Back in the ice storm we formed the hicks with guns neighborhood watch to ward off any filth that might steal a generator. Whole neighborhoods were working together. Cops seem to prioritize real crime, never been harassed for petty stuff. I pay more a month in Property Taxes than I paid for my first three apartments. I really like the Northeast, but what I like about the Northeast seems to have just the right mix in Rutland, but not Paxton! they are snobby douches 🙂

  • UsualSuspect
    April 22, 2016 at 5:53 am

    I think the paint store left with all the mills and other businesses. Buy a can of paint people!

  • Maggie the Cat
    April 22, 2016 at 5:18 am

    Feisty Lawyer Lady is right — if you know the back roads you can get anywhere faster than the rest of the sheep. As for the “better looking” areas, please realize that the prettier the house, the higher the property taxes…and appearances can be deceiving!

    But what are the odds — my house is in one of those pictures, and my sister-in-law’s house is in another picture (from another town). We’re both “middle of the road” in appearance, and we do that on purpose. Our houses are just nice enough to pass relatively unnoticed.

  • Joe Max
    April 21, 2016 at 5:39 pm

    Used to be a lot better in most of the towns out-there. Mills, factories, farms, stores, disappeared for various reasons. Positive, the homegrown is still good out there !

  • BobnMic
    April 21, 2016 at 2:23 pm

    From prosperity to depression. We have it all don’t we?

  • JoeCitizen
    April 21, 2016 at 7:49 am

    Hey Turtle Boy you do realize the State Police Academy is in New Braintree.

  • Barnyard
    April 21, 2016 at 7:26 am

    Just a shame Rutland can’t keep all the low life’s from Worcester coming every year for trick or treating and our 4th of July parade.

  • WHATEVUH
    April 21, 2016 at 7:23 am

    Rutland would be better if you could bypass the 7 mile traffic convoy through Holden every day . . . . it’s like a funeral procession

    • FiestyLawyerLady
      April 21, 2016 at 1:36 pm

      You have to use the backroads if you want to bypass that 4:30-6pm traffic.

      • BobnMic
        April 23, 2016 at 2:37 am

        I swear the stupid in me wants to get in back of that wagon, share a large “jibber” with Wanda and cruise on over to England and jam with stones with Jeff Spicoli of course. Because Mr. Hand is a dick.

  • Wormtown Refugee
    April 21, 2016 at 6:35 am

    Rutland = Stepford for Swamp Yankees.

  • Ineeda Bath
    April 21, 2016 at 12:56 am

    ahhh Rutland,the land of sheep and the men who love them…blech

    have inlaws from that stench hole who will steal your shit while you ain’t lookin if let them into your home to do work

    • Ineeda Bath
      April 21, 2016 at 12:59 am

      “if you”
      damnit “if you”

  • Ryan Borges
    April 20, 2016 at 11:04 pm

    I feel bad for the other towns if Rutland is highly-praised..

  • RV
    April 20, 2016 at 11:02 pm

    You gotta visit the Cape at some point but do you go there while its busy in the summer or wait until the off season?

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