Bone Ride

Tour de Turtle Bone Ride: Auburn, Oxford, Sutton, Douglas, Webster, Dudley, Southbridge, Charlton, East Brookfield, Spencer, Leicester

Tour de Turtle Bone Ride: Auburn, Oxford, Sutton, Douglas, Webster, Dudley, Southbridge, Charlton, East Brookfield, Spencer, Leicester

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The Tour de Turtle bone ride series continued this week as we visited the following 11 towns in order: Auburn, Oxford, Sutton, Douglas, Webster, Dudley, Southbridge, Charlton, East Brookfield, Spencer, Leicester. That list contains the three towns that we probably write about more than the rest of the world combined. Here’s how we rank em from nicest to crappiest…..

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1. Charlton

Charlton is really big, and for the most part it’s really nice. Tons of new homes with big lawns.

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Yea, there is a seedier section down in “Charlton City,” but if this is as bad as it gets:

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Then you should probably stop complaining because no one likes you.

 

 

2.Sutton

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Sutton’s pretty rural.

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It’s a nice town and all, especially if you’re in the market to buy a farm.

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We couldn’t really find any cul-de-sac neighborhoods or anything like that, but for the most part the homes are pretty sweet.

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There is one cultural section near Douglas where you can probably go to score drugs. It’s called Manchaug:

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But other than that it’s pretty smooth sailing in Sutton.

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3. Douglas

Douglas is basically Sutton with more traffic and a bigger lake. There’s a huge state forest, waterslides, and a popular recreational waterfront called Wallum Lake. The problem with this is that it’s on the Rhode Island border so it gets overrun with the grimiest folks you could ever imagine from Woonsocket and Central Falls. The only reason we ranked it below Sutton is that it’s not really accessible. Sutton’s right on 146 and there’s like, no traffic in town. Douglas has Route 16. Other than that it’s basically the same thing.

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4. Auburn

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Auburn’s a nice town. It’s mainly residential, but you don’t get the feeling while driving through town that you’ll never be able to afford to live there.

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The best two things about living in Auburn are, 1) every highway in Massachusetts goes through Auburn, and 2) every chain restaurant you could ever imagine is in Auburn.

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Oh, and if you wanna buy a car, then you’re in the right spot. Because Auburn has a never ending supply of car dealerships. And they’re all directly next to one another.

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5. Dudley

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Dudley, AKA the Southbridge to Webster expressway. Dudley is a lovely town, but 99% of it’s problems come from this small parcel of land that borders the God forsaken village of Webster.

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This is where Webster goes to retire.

Other than that Dudley is just a bunch of nice, suburban neighborhoods with healthy looking people walking their dogs and the occasional farm and/or Muslim graveyard.

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Tattoos Massachusetts

 

 

6. East Brookfield

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We can’t figure out why East Brookfield even exists as a town. Their population is like, 2,000, and the whole town is just one gigantic lake.

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There’s no real “neighborhoods” it’s just a bunch of farms, old looking buildings, dirt roads, and country stores.

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7. Oxford

Oxford is as average as you get. It’s not too nice. It’s not too bad. It’x just Oxford.

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There are some lovely new developments.

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Which are balanced out by stuff like this:

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It’s easy to get to though and they have the world’s biggest portion of sausage at Carl’s Diner. So that’s good.

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8. Leicester

Been to Leicester a million times before, but never really noticed how dumpy it is. There’s tons of eyesores like this:

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It’s really one of the oldest looking places we’ve ever been to. I feel like George Washington might’ve lost his virginity in one of these buildings.

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Oh yea, and if you live in Leicester it’s like a rule that you have to have a plow blade in your driveway. Because apparently every singe person in Leicester plows snow.

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There are some, ya know, normal, average looking neighborhoods.

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But other than that it’s just a depressing looking gateway into Spencer with a drive in movie theater, a Walmart, and Hot Dog Annie’s.

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9. Spencer

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It wasn’t easy weeding out the bottom three, as they all have a vast array of dumpy looking landscape. This is literally the first thing you see when you enter Spencer:

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Spencah!!!

They’ve got a bowling alley, where people from Spencer apparently go for anniversaries, showers, and “corporate” events:

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Because what woman wouldn’t wanna spend their anniversary at the bowling alley in Spencah? Get ready for the most romantic night of your life Mrs. Turtleboy!!!

Spencer has a never ending supply of boarded up buildings

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NASCAR fans

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Run down old garages with abandoned cars, overgrown shrubbery, and donation bins where Spencah’s finest throw their trash.

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Streets that look like alleys

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Abandoned shopping cart graveyards

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Bolivian looking apartment buildings overflowing with satellite dishes

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Abandoned homes with driveways filled with abandoned cars

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This is what we refer to as Spencer formal-ware:

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Downtown is FILLED with Spencerites in their natural element

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There are a lot of lakes in Spencer, so there is some nice beach front property.

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But you don’t see the nice parts when you’re driving through it. You see the crud. And if anyone has an issue with anything we’ve blogged about, you know where to meet Turtleboy.

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High noon. No police.

 

10. Webster

Believe it or not there are nice parts of Webster.

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There are also some average parts of Webster.

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But mostly, there is Webdah. A magical land of run down tenements

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Grown men in pajama pants, camo long sleeves, and slippers, hanging out during the middle of the day with not a car in the world.

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There are playgrounds for the children

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Abandoned boats and big screen TV’s

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Boarded up buildings

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Apartments that seem to be growing satellite dishes like a 13 year old boy grows acne

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Webster yard sales

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Webster’s finest pondering what book they will read next

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Abandoned shopping carts

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Broken dreams

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Picnics at the railroad tracks with the walking dead lurking in the background

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Luckily there are plenty of jobs. Particularly for women. So long as you are happy working for tips at Mario’s Showplace.

 

11. Southbridge

There is no God in Southbridge. Very rarely do you even feel like you are in America as you drive through this lovely community.

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Every day in Southbridge is “throw your mattress and box spring in front of your house day”

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There are a plethora of discarded campers

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Vacant buildings

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And guys sitting in their windows all day staring blankly at the world of Southbridge

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They might not have a lot of college degrees, but at least they have more channels than everyone else

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This is what we like to call the “Southbridge laundromat”

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And of course the rule in Southbridge when it’s over 60 degrees is “suns out, guns out.”

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So yea, if you’re looking for a great place to bunker down when the apocalypse hits, Southbridge might be the place for you.

So what do you think? We get this list right? And as usual, where should we on our next bone ride?

 

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26 Comment(s)
  • Jocko
    April 21, 2016 at 1:33 pm

    The biggest dump in Spencer is right downtown. Unfortunately, you can’t miss it even if your just passing through. The ever increasing store fronts sporting those beautiful yellow & green colors. The people who work at the Town Hall obviously think it is just fine. Where else can you expand your business with out permits, handicap violations, fire regulations and double park a 40 foot tractor trailer out front blocking Rt. 9 traffic.

  • theatrefreak30
    March 16, 2016 at 11:15 am

    I live in Southbridge and I definitely expected it to be in the bottom 3, but I never expected last place! HAHAHA! The town isn’t all bad though. I live up by the airport and it’s a very nice neighborhood.

  • Paul
    March 16, 2016 at 7:48 am

    Some of the pics of eastbrookfield are really notyhbrookfield ( camp Atwater)is in northbrookfield and east Brookfield should be a state all on its own lol n there s more to eastbrookfield then the lake take a left off rt 9 n take Howe rd

  • Ghergd4
    March 15, 2016 at 3:58 am

    Spencer is definitely below Southbridge. The town is nothing but the worst parts of Southbridge and none of the good or decent parts. ,

  • Rachel
    March 14, 2016 at 8:49 pm

    I’ve always been a fan, but this article is so one sided. Southbridge has lots of shitty parts – yes… but lots of nice areas and a pretty downtown. The photos selected only supported your ranking. I agree that Southbridge still would have come at bottom 3, but you could have been fair and balanced at least a little. You have too broad of an audience to be narrow minded.

  • Townie
    March 14, 2016 at 8:39 am

    I participated in the poll before reading the article because everyone knows that Southbridge is a shithole. HOWEVER, Leicester and Spencer, you are running a very close second…especially Spencer. No need for all that shit on your lawns and boarded up places. Time for the town officials to start doing their job. Concentrate on fixing your town up. Start with fining the residents and/or landlords for shitty looking homes and businesses.

  • kalawn
    March 12, 2016 at 7:21 am

    if NASCAR and redsox banners makes you red neck welcome to the nation

  • BobnMic
    March 12, 2016 at 2:13 am

    I could dumb it down for you there Turtle boy troll you fucking idiot. Here we go, “Ah Dah helps the persons to gets things cleaningly becuz they don’t have da ability.”

    How’s that shit for brains?

  • Turtle boy troll
    March 12, 2016 at 12:50 am

    Does this troll that writes about these dumbass posts in his/her opinion get paid? Is there actually a fan base of this dumbass? Haha

    • BobnMic
      March 12, 2016 at 1:50 am

      When I say clean up some of this shit use your imagination shithead. Or maybe not.

    • E Johnson
      March 12, 2016 at 9:25 pm

      You seem to be a fan. And a troll by definition.

  • BobnMic
    March 11, 2016 at 11:39 pm

    Absolutely my favorite segment of TBS. A pictorial essay of what should not be coupled with some success. I’ve been reading this blog and especially this particular segment since it began.

    Look, the message here from Turtleboy, in my opinion, is that the people in public power need to clean up some of this shit where it looks bad. That is why TB is doing this. Not to make fun of anybody. A person that cannot help themselves is what it is. There could and most likely is a mental issue there. But some of these local governments should step in to help clean up some of this shit.

    Helping people that cannot help themselves is no doubt one of the biggest responsibilities in government and speaking of such, you can thank Deval ( one letter away from Devil ) Patrick for all that you see. He did jack shit as a governor. Baker has a job ahead of him. Hopefully he can handle it.

    Just my observational opinion.

  • sd
    March 11, 2016 at 10:04 pm

    I completely understand the reputation of my hometown of Southbridge. I get that its difficult to see through the complete scumbags that live here and have unfortunately taken advantage of the system. I get it. It pisses me off more than you can believe and trust me when I say that its even more difficult to see through it when your from Southbridge. I come from a good family. Hard working parents who would have done anything to make sure their children made good choices and cared about others. We have a lot of pride here and they’re are many people that care about our community.
    With that said, I’m normally a fan of turtle boy. Most of what he has to rant and rave about is hilarious and generally makes me laugh. however, to completely defacate on a community behind the words he writes is cowardly. Seriously man , every city and town has its bullshit. We all get annoyed with the low life ass clowns failing to contribute anything to the human race. In closing, there are absolutely beautiful areas in the town of Southbridge and many of the other towns on Your “list”. But do everyone a favor and extend your research (and by that i mean Google maps) next time you decide to go directly to every shitty area of all the town’s you discuss here. That is all.

  • Mad dog
    March 11, 2016 at 6:22 pm

    I love that you included pics of my hood!! Thanks, I live in one of the nice ones!

  • Turtle On The Hill
    March 11, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    Drove through Sutton and still couldn’t find old balls’ house?
    You’re right though about manchaug. I grew up there. Drugs galore.

  • Reddog
    March 11, 2016 at 2:38 pm

    The section of spencer you showed is an embarrassment. I’ve said it before,you need to get off the rt9 corridor to see the rest,after you pick up your new fridge at Whitco.

    • Dead On
      March 11, 2016 at 4:49 pm

      Well that ‘section of Spencer’ is the only thing people see as they drive through. The downtown is an embarrassment, and the newly abandoned Cumberland Farms square in the center isn’t helping either. It’s one of the many reasons the people in the ‘nicer’ parts of town can’t sell their houses without taking 15k+ hits on their purchasing price – if they can sell at all…

  • #ImSoWebster
    March 11, 2016 at 1:35 pm

    This is why we need the #ImSoWebster hashtag. Webster is a beautiful town with great people but sadly always being made fun of. I hope to someday open Twitter and see the tweet “#ImSoWebster that I have a 4.0 college grade point average”

    • wabbitt
      March 11, 2016 at 2:34 pm

      It’s beautiful if you never step foot west of the lake. The rest of the town is a mountainous fat ass welfare queens ripping butts all day, and pill heads shambling around like the walking dead.

      I’m just glad that, while my street appeared, my house didn’t.

      • wabbitt
        March 11, 2016 at 2:44 pm

        *mountain of fat ass welfare queens.

        Damn new phone has a quirky auto-correct…

    • Webster has a bad rap
      March 11, 2016 at 4:14 pm

      Yes! There are so many great areas in Webster, with beautiful homes and people who take care of their property and themselves…too bad that’s not what you see when you drive through it! #ImSoWebster that I have many leather-bound books and my home smells of rich mahogany

  • WormtownorBust
    March 11, 2016 at 12:13 pm

    If I had known you guys were coming through my area I would have had you in for a beer.

  • Car Rider
    March 11, 2016 at 11:24 am

    There should be an article comprised solely of Dodge Neons spotted on the bone rides.

    • mike
      March 11, 2016 at 1:42 pm

      So the one in the Leicester picture, what color do you think they registered it as LOL

    • RSoxGuy
      March 11, 2016 at 4:39 pm

      Also the odd relationship between Camaros/Firebirds being parked outside of abandoned buildings

  • MommaH
    March 11, 2016 at 11:16 am

    I have driven through the back roads in Southbridge, you would never even know it, the back roads have beautiful houses with beautiful land, and the owners take care of their property.

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