Tour de Turtle Bone Ride: Auburn, Oxford, Sutton, Douglas, Webster, Dudley, Southbridge, Charlton, East Brookfield, Spencer, Leicester
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The Tour de Turtle bone ride series continued this week as we visited the following 11 towns in order: Auburn, Oxford, Sutton, Douglas, Webster, Dudley, Southbridge, Charlton, East Brookfield, Spencer, Leicester. That list contains the three towns that we probably write about more than the rest of the world combined. Here’s how we rank em from nicest to crappiest…..
Charlton is really big, and for the most part it’s really nice. Tons of new homes with big lawns.
Yea, there is a seedier section down in “Charlton City,” but if this is as bad as it gets:
Then you should probably stop complaining because no one likes you.
Sutton’s pretty rural.
It’s a nice town and all, especially if you’re in the market to buy a farm.
We couldn’t really find any cul-de-sac neighborhoods or anything like that, but for the most part the homes are pretty sweet.
There is one cultural section near Douglas where you can probably go to score drugs. It’s called Manchaug:
But other than that it’s pretty smooth sailing in Sutton.
Douglas is basically Sutton with more traffic and a bigger lake. There’s a huge state forest, waterslides, and a popular recreational waterfront called Wallum Lake. The problem with this is that it’s on the Rhode Island border so it gets overrun with the grimiest folks you could ever imagine from Woonsocket and Central Falls. The only reason we ranked it below Sutton is that it’s not really accessible. Sutton’s right on 146 and there’s like, no traffic in town. Douglas has Route 16. Other than that it’s basically the same thing.
Auburn’s a nice town. It’s mainly residential, but you don’t get the feeling while driving through town that you’ll never be able to afford to live there.
The best two things about living in Auburn are, 1) every highway in Massachusetts goes through Auburn, and 2) every chain restaurant you could ever imagine is in Auburn.
Oh, and if you wanna buy a car, then you’re in the right spot. Because Auburn has a never ending supply of car dealerships. And they’re all directly next to one another.
Dudley, AKA the Southbridge to Webster expressway. Dudley is a lovely town, but 99% of it’s problems come from this small parcel of land that borders the God forsaken village of Webster.
This is where Webster goes to retire.
Other than that Dudley is just a bunch of nice, suburban neighborhoods with healthy looking people walking their dogs and the occasional farm and/or Muslim graveyard.
6. East Brookfield
We can’t figure out why East Brookfield even exists as a town. Their population is like, 2,000, and the whole town is just one gigantic lake.
There’s no real “neighborhoods” it’s just a bunch of farms, old looking buildings, dirt roads, and country stores.
Oxford is as average as you get. It’s not too nice. It’s not too bad. It’x just Oxford.
There are some lovely new developments.
Which are balanced out by stuff like this:
It’s easy to get to though and they have the world’s biggest portion of sausage at Carl’s Diner. So that’s good.
Been to Leicester a million times before, but never really noticed how dumpy it is. There’s tons of eyesores like this:
It’s really one of the oldest looking places we’ve ever been to. I feel like George Washington might’ve lost his virginity in one of these buildings.
Oh yea, and if you live in Leicester it’s like a rule that you have to have a plow blade in your driveway. Because apparently every singe person in Leicester plows snow.
There are some, ya know, normal, average looking neighborhoods.
But other than that it’s just a depressing looking gateway into Spencer with a drive in movie theater, a Walmart, and Hot Dog Annie’s.
It wasn’t easy weeding out the bottom three, as they all have a vast array of dumpy looking landscape. This is literally the first thing you see when you enter Spencer:
They’ve got a bowling alley, where people from Spencer apparently go for anniversaries, showers, and “corporate” events:
Because what woman wouldn’t wanna spend their anniversary at the bowling alley in Spencah? Get ready for the most romantic night of your life Mrs. Turtleboy!!!
Spencer has a never ending supply of boarded up buildings
Run down old garages with abandoned cars, overgrown shrubbery, and donation bins where Spencah’s finest throw their trash.
Streets that look like alleys
Abandoned shopping cart graveyards
Bolivian looking apartment buildings overflowing with satellite dishes
Abandoned homes with driveways filled with abandoned cars
This is what we refer to as Spencer formal-ware:
Downtown is FILLED with Spencerites in their natural element
There are a lot of lakes in Spencer, so there is some nice beach front property.
But you don’t see the nice parts when you’re driving through it. You see the crud. And if anyone has an issue with anything we’ve blogged about, you know where to meet Turtleboy.
High noon. No police.
Believe it or not there are nice parts of Webster.
There are also some average parts of Webster.
But mostly, there is Webdah. A magical land of run down tenements
Grown men in pajama pants, camo long sleeves, and slippers, hanging out during the middle of the day with not a car in the world.
There are playgrounds for the children
Abandoned boats and big screen TV’s
Boarded up buildings
Apartments that seem to be growing satellite dishes like a 13 year old boy grows acne
Webster yard sales
Webster’s finest pondering what book they will read next
Abandoned shopping carts
Picnics at the railroad tracks with the walking dead lurking in the background
Luckily there are plenty of jobs. Particularly for women. So long as you are happy working for tips at Mario’s Showplace.
There is no God in Southbridge. Very rarely do you even feel like you are in America as you drive through this lovely community.
Every day in Southbridge is “throw your mattress and box spring in front of your house day”
There are a plethora of discarded campers
And guys sitting in their windows all day staring blankly at the world of Southbridge
They might not have a lot of college degrees, but at least they have more channels than everyone else
This is what we like to call the “Southbridge laundromat”
And of course the rule in Southbridge when it’s over 60 degrees is “suns out, guns out.”
So yea, if you’re looking for a great place to bunker down when the apocalypse hits, Southbridge might be the place for you.
So what do you think? We get this list right? And as usual, where should we on our next bone ride?
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