Bone Ride

Tour de Turtle Bone Ride: Braintree, Quincy, Weymouth, Rockland, Abington, Whitman, Brockton, Avon, Holbrook, Randolph

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We took the bone ride to the south shore today for the latest chapter of the tour de turtle. Almost all of these places look exactly the same except for two of them. They’re not bad, but they’re not really nice either. They’re all flat, boring, not too run down, towns where people don’t like to mow their lawns. We hit up the following 10 towns in order: Braintree, Quincy, Weymouth, Rockland, Abington, Whitman, Brockton, Avon, Holbrook, Randolph. Here’s how we ranked em.

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1. Braintree

Remember these idiots?

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Baby Gangsta and his hoodrat friends. According to his buddy who emailed us an incoherent threatening message afterwards, Braintree is the hood life:

“you’re fucking garbage you obviously don’t know a damn thing about Brandon or braintree kid had a rough life growing up there’s shitty parts and rough times in a lot of different towns so go fuck yourself you don’t even know correct facts about the situation whoever did the stabbing didn’t have a switchblade as you stated the injury was made with a box cutter fuckin nerd.” 

But instead of finding mean streets and thug life, we found lovely neighborhoods, well manicured lawns, and a Cheesecake Factory. Looks like putting Baby G in the clink magically turned Braintree from the hood into burbs!!!

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2. Avon

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Braintree is easily the nicest town we went to today. From 2-8 on this list we could probably rank em in any order. But I guess Avon would have to be considered the second nicest town we visited. It’s wicked small so there’s not much too it. It’s basically just this boulevard:

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Big Jim’s Liquor Store

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A couple boarded up homes

 

And some modest homes in quiet neighborhoods

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3. Randolph

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All these south shore towns look exactly the same. Randolph is the perfect example. You’ve got broken down minivans in the driveways

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Double lined roads with garages and warehouses

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Snow plows on front lawns

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Quaint looking neighborhoods

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Depressing looking gas stations

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And lawns that have never been mowed

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That’s the south shore in a nutshell.

 

4. Abington

Abington might be the most forgettable and dull town in Massachusetts, lost in a sea of south shore mediocrity. Everything looks old, but not like, falling apart old. Just, blah.

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And in Abington apparently people just open up car dealerships on their overgrown lawns.

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5. Whitman

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Same shit, different town. Double lined roads with car dealerships

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Densely packed, average looking neighborhoods

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And the occasional couch and bags of trash sitting amongst an overgrown lawn

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6. Weymouth

The most famous person from Weymouth is George Jung, the guy Johnny Depp played in 

Blow. 

He described it as a quiet American town where not much is going on, which is why he started dealing cocaine. But their second most famous citizen is a lot more abrasive. His name is John from Weymouth, and last year he declared war on the entire south shore, and later sent us threatening emails as well:

So yea, we were expecting a coke-filled dump filled with Internet bad asses like John here. Granted Weymouth is a little bit bigger than some of these other towns, so there were a couple dumpier parts. But mostly it’s just quiet, forgettable neighborhoods, like the way George Jung described it. Nothing like Brockton or Lawrence, which seems to prove that the south shore is just filled with white boys who think they’re hardos from the hood.

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7. Rockland

There are some nicer parts of Rockland for sure

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But for the most part it’s just a cesspool of ugly looking industrial plants

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Long roads with random buildings where something is being manufactured or warehoused but you have no idea what it is

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white rape vans

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“yard sales,” which are really just overflowing trash that Rockland people can’t fit in their homes

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Old, run down, but not TOO run down looking buildings

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Broken down minivans and RV’s

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Cars parked on lawns

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Abandoned gas stations

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And overall ugliness without a theme

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8. Holbrook

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Holbrook is kind of like the armpit of the south shore. It’s filled with garages

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RV’s

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Homes covered in “Beware of Dog” signs that you had no intention of robbing anyway

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Shady red rape vans

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A vibrant downtown

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Lawns filled with random shit

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Mixed in with your standard, average, south shore neighborhoods that look exactly the same in every town

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9. Quincy

For a city of it’s size (close to 100,000 people), Quincy isn’t that bad. It’s a lot nicer than Worcester, that’s for sure. There’s nothing that even remotely resemble Main South or Belmont Street. Granted, it’s not nice at all. It’s just not too shabby considering the amount of people they jam pack into there.

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Granted there is the occasional couch or two on the lawn

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Quincy does have an extensive border with the ocean. But unfortunately this is what the beach looks like:

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And this is what constitutes a view from ocean front property

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And the traffic will make your head spin

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But there’s a lot of nice looking places, as long as you don’t mind being packed in like a sardine

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10. Brockton

Obviously. No brainer. It’s not the worst place to live in Massachusetts, but it’s pretty close. It will more than likely be a 1 seed when we have our tournament of dump champions after we visit all 351 towns and cities. Let’s look at some of the sites you will see while driving through the self-proclaimed “City of Champions” because one boxer went undefeated 65 years ago…..

First you’ll see Brockton’s never ending supply of abandoned mattresses

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And the calling card of a great neighborhood is when you see a pair of sneakers hanging from the power lines

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There’s a never ending supply of places to cash your chekcs

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Abandoned lots filled with hopes and dreams

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Thriving businesses

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Boarded up buildings and discarded furniture

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State of the art triple deckers

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Some random guy that is always doing his aerobics program outside in fluorescent outfits

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The shadiest rape vans you’ve ever seen, complete with “Pick up a pig tonight” bumper stickers

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But what Brockton is most famous for is its chillin’. There are more people chillin’ at any given in time in Brockton than any other town in America. It’s like Jamaica except there’s no beach and nobody is smiling

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Find me a place in America where your daily plans consist of sitting down on a broken down washing machine in a fenced in lot, staring at cars as they pass you by. That’s the American dream right there. City of Champions indeed!!

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We lost track of how many towns we’ve been to now. We’ll have to start compiling a master list and ranking them all. I feel like it’s gotta be close to 100 now. As usual, let us know if we missed anything on this list and if we got it right. And as always, let us know where you think we should take our next bone ride to.

 

 

 

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25 Comment(s)
  • scootergirl69
    May 15, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    ah Brockton…the “Shoe City”….the shoe factory jobs are long gone…but there’s still a brown loafer on every corner

  • Mark D
    May 15, 2017 at 1:23 pm

    We played a non-conference HS baseball game vs. Brockton in the late 90’s and we had to wait about a half an hour for the game to start because some bum was passed out behind home plate. He had to be taken away on a stretcher.

    • scootergirl69
      May 15, 2017 at 4:16 pm

      just one??

  • Maxito
    May 18, 2016 at 11:07 am

    these are the best things ive ever seen.. please please keep them coming. I love seeing these shitholes.
    Maybe do one of nice/jewish towns and shit on them, thatd be so good. (Brookline, Newton, Chestnuthill (BRADY BABY), Wellesley, Sudbury) basically route 9 coming out of boston.

    • Biff Tannen
      March 13, 2017 at 4:10 pm

      Strong bump here. Why nothing about Stoughton? Some neighborhoods are full of yuppies. Others are trash. It’s a splendid mixture.

  • Ken
    May 13, 2016 at 12:09 pm

    You should see if Wanda would go on a bone cruise with you through the neighborhoods of Worcester

  • Ryan
    May 13, 2016 at 12:28 am

    Some of the interior Plymouth county towns can give you a good variety (West Bridgewater, East Bridgewater, Bridgewater, Hanson, Hanover, Norwell, Pembroke, Halifax, Plympton, Middleboro, Lakeville)

  • titi ho
    May 12, 2016 at 10:43 pm

    Brockton is a town that was reverse engineered from Southgate st in Worcester.

  • Lindsy
    May 12, 2016 at 9:21 pm

    I live in Brockton and yes there are certain well known areas that are pretty shitty, but there are very nice areas as well. Every city has their good,bad,and ugly.

  • Reddog
    May 12, 2016 at 7:47 pm

    Thanks for the update professor m. Thinking of her and wishing her well. Most of are missing her sense of humor. Feel better Fiesty.

    • BobnMic
      May 13, 2016 at 12:48 am

      Absolutely ProfessorM. Keep us posted please. Praying for our Feisty. Some of these SJW fucknuts could use some of her sarcasm push back sense of humor in order to grow a pair to save them from themselves..

  • Wormtown Refugee
    May 12, 2016 at 3:52 pm

    Went to a funeral once in Brockton, where the cemetery was in such a defeated, menacing, neglected part of the city the Undertakers were actually packing heat during the burial. I’ve never been back since. One of the top 5 shitholes in this state.

  • Jack
    May 12, 2016 at 1:07 pm

    Yo TB,
    South Shore is all suburban sprawl, Northwest of Boston has some interesting middle class towns: Melrose, Stoneham, Wakefield, Woburn (kinda shitty), Reading, plus drive thru some shitholes like Malden, Everett, Revere.

    • Jack
      May 12, 2016 at 1:07 pm

      Winchester and Lexington are really nice but uber snooty, too.

  • Lambodiesel
    May 12, 2016 at 7:57 am

    There’s a wee bit more to “The City of Champions ” thing. Marvin Hagler was from Brockton too. And back when I was in HS they had a top flight football program (Rudy Harris, Clemson, TB Bucs and Greg McMurray, Michigan, Patriots) that was ranked #1 in the nation in 1988, until they were upset by Leominster. Those hopes and dreams were mourned decades ago.

    • Diane
      May 15, 2017 at 1:48 pm

      don’t forget Rocky Marciano. Marvin Hagler was just a wife beater.

  • ProfessorM
    May 12, 2016 at 7:29 am

    UPDATE…… ( for Bob and anyone else who was wondering)
    ***Please keep the bullshit off from this one for the assholes out there***
    FIESTY….. They have managed to get the infection off from the scar tissue through a tube inserted in her nose, as the stent they originally tried to use was unsuccessful. They are moving forward with the surgery this morning. Send good thoughts or karma or prayers, whatever is your preferred theology her way. She won’t be able to give us another update till Saturday.

    • JoeMomma
      May 12, 2016 at 12:28 pm

      Get well soon Feisty LL!

  • nai
    May 12, 2016 at 7:28 am

    Ugh, Brockton looks like Worcester’s cousin for sure

    • Buttafuco
      May 12, 2016 at 7:35 am

      Brockton is Worcester 5 years from now.

      • kingsraisins
        May 12, 2016 at 9:32 am

        Haha they should’ve filmed that ‘Worcester: 2020’ video in Brockton just to save time and money on CGI effects.

  • Ratchit
    May 12, 2016 at 6:41 am

    Moobs…

  • BobnMic
    May 12, 2016 at 3:03 am

    Turtle – You’ve been all over the state doing these awesome pictorial essays as I call them. What is the deal with so people putting there junk, furniture, cars, appliances and probably dead pets on their front lawns for all to see? Is this some sort of way off saying, “Hey neighbors, incase you didn’t know or forgot – I’m an asshole!”

    If it’s a mental health issue then I take all of the above back. Just odd.

  • wabbitt
    May 12, 2016 at 2:25 am

    Time to hit up the towns on the southern part of 495 – Dedham, Westwood, etc.

    Westwood literally has nothing in it but some really nice houses, and an office park that has the regional offices for McDonald’s.

    • Buttafuco
      May 12, 2016 at 7:33 am

      John from Weymouth seems nice.

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