Bone Ride

Tour de Turtle Bone Ride: Chelmsford, Lowell, Dracut, Methuen, Lawrence, Haverhill, North Andover, Andover, Tewksbury

Vote for Turtleboy Sports for best local blog 2015 by clicking here

Like the Turtleboy Safe Space Facebook page and the Free Turtleboy Facebook page to follow our posts when our other pages are arbitrarily suspended. If we ever get shut down for good, these will become the new Turtleboy Sports main Facebook page.

Click on the image to view all products in the Turtleboy Store.

Click on the image to view all products in the Turtleboy Store. Shirt are also available at the Union Tavern and The Buzz Barber Shop.

Want to have your business advert viewed over 2 million times per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

 

 

The best Tour de Turtle bone rides are the ones where the places we visit are polar opposites. The nicest of the nice vs the dumpiest of the dumps. Now we haven’t had a bone ride in a while, so we put it to the turtle riding nation as to where we should travel next. Their choice was overwhelming – the 495 North belt. So we hit up the following nine towns in order and ranked them from nicest to crappiest: Chelmsford, Lowell, Dracut, Methuen, Lawrence, Haverhill, North Andover, Andover, Tewksbury.

12938204_1727544424158208_4792427961773676027_n 12660479_1678273605789249_1389298454_n-2-3 VPmap

1. Andover

12932714_242410086106107_6263086945445098338_n

Andover is a wonderful place to live, you just probably can’t afford to live there. If you could then you probably wouldn’t be interested in reading a blue collar blog like Turtleboy Sports. Here’s one thing that separates a nice town from a really nice town – sidewalks. All the main roads in Andover seem to have sidewalks:

12919796_242409089439540_4816506709572659119_n

You can go for walks without getting run over by some dooshnozzle from Lawrence testing out his new hdyraulics.

There’s not  a bad thing you can say about Andover. It’s a beautiful town filled with beautiful people who make beautiful homes and beautiful children.

12919631_242409629439486_2701160272487095380_n

944916_242409569439492_5781313765590923117_n

20486_242409532772829_9172471092451937766_n

11032321_242409552772827_4739520840583482916_n

12938207_242410066106109_5193450190473013584_n

10421227_242410089439440_4508836221823350900_n

unnamed (1)

 

2. Dracut

11219510_242425666104549_7504285617685780906_n

Honestly, 2-5 on this list could go either way. I guess since we have to pick one, we’d take Dracut first. Dracut is a little more rural than some of the other towns, which means less traffic, more peace and quiet, and hippie Bernie farmers who don’t want the pipeline coming through their town:

12920508_242425686104547_6818910890703025444_n

12439458_242425596104556_8811694468957766711_n

12936595_242425539437895_8603891707497974231_n

12439419_242425522771230_6207933106719990310_n

12472276_242425582771224_4962721537013105502_n

1936363_242425406104575_8856949965201159935_n

12524339_242425382771244_3244638955276690730_n

 

3. Chelmsford

Chelmsford is extremely easy to get to  since it’s got a couple exits off of 495. The houses and neighborhoods don’t necessarily blow you away like they do in an Andover, but it’s residential, it’s pleasant looking, and you’d have no problem living there as long as you’re willing to pay an inflated, Eastern Mass price for a three bedroom, one and a half bath home.

12928225_242428959437553_6859203013182944815_n

12472309_242428902770892_7483686878380449023_n

12592267_242428966104219_6520731062316647708_n

12928385_242428942770888_600305657709409095_n

12717601_242429026104213_770454470189353241_n

1501711_242428776104238_2369478965637503937_n

 

4. North Andover

12932662_242410779439371_413050604773012947_n

Even though this is where Sam Allen is from, North Andover is a nice little town. It’s your classic suburbia. Not showing off like Andover or Lynnfield, but not really leaving you wanting for much more either.

12670908_242411136106002_5520478481174125654_n

940893_242411446105971_4141136903304972191_n

12924552_242411542772628_448781392148950230_n

12809684_242413089439140_8990731991058923378_n

12495096_242413062772476_1672259287674903601_n

1620969_242411499439299_906828945458393903_n

12143225_242411579439291_3930582354328861044_n

944991_242413032772479_7942122948786408388_n

unnamed-19

 

5. Tewksbury

Like I said, 2-5 could really go in any order. I guess the reason we have Tewksbury five is because we’ve written about it so many times. If your town keeps making it onto Turtleboy Sports because Asian massage parlors are getting busted or cock fighting rings are getting broken up, then that’s not a good sign. Tewksbury is a nice, pleasant residential town, but it’s also got a stretch that’s more “industrial”

10421227_242407149439734_4470341022183116764_n

We all owe Tewskbury a debt of gratitude as well, since they brought us the world’s greatest super market:

12919929_242408082772974_6678026011766749626_n

In your face Arty S!!!

But yea, Tewksbury is just another pleasant looking suburb that teachers in Lowell tell their kids they can move to if they study hard and do their homework.

12418073_242408749439574_7597329576320392512_n

12924450_242408719439577_3865982237997164498_n

12321369_242408696106246_1260985027071714074_n

12933035_242408642772918_1509825740742423754_n

12933068_242408452772937_3041321159730160082_n

12923259_242408466106269_7554300343742323555_n

12512431_242408526106263_2321558861989857204_n

 

 

6. Methuen

Methuen is kind of a tweener city. It’s somewhere in between a nice place to live and a huge dump. I’d compare it to a Leominster. There’s about 45,000 people there, and some of them are grimier than others. Just like Leominster there’s a lot of really nice areas:

1517679_242425049437944_5071540649308607505_n (1)

12936488_242425076104608_2151360788598296761_n (2)

1958521_242423572771425_4347152238600880415_n (1)

10300005_242423602771422_2073182874136589701_n (1)

But the closer you get to downtown, it goes from “ehh, that’s not so bad”

12924466_242423479438101_8839512279922611778_n (1)

12670676_242423589438090_5897530495893378965_n (1)

12524228_242424049438044_4209332099037445402_n (1)

12809734_242423679438081_1714579516146680308_n (1)

12439404_242425059437943_5100874963254416496_n (1)

12932719_242424142771368_6510309762208962756_n (1)

12321359_242425129437936_1862010688353135361_n (1)

12928251_242425172771265_3790567907650945130_n (1)

To “we must be getting closer to Lawrence”

12705339_242425186104597_200016991615128868_n (1)

12524144_242423712771411_8705367518844911807_n (1)

12933049_242424029438046_1123705781077291541_n (1)

 

7. Haverhill

With a population of over 60,000, Haverhill is about the size of Framingham. It’s just a million times dumpier. I mean, it’s a step up from Lowell I suppose. There are some OK parts of town that you see driving through it:

12932689_242413716105744_1494169085747820445_n

8350_242413786105737_2979359901899461661_n

12919676_242413852772397_5964379008120650701_n

12933117_242414219439027_7417396981822668622_n

Then it gets a little seedier

944978_242414102772372_2257033560674649312_n

12930998_242414212772361_5910432396403766172_n

12321327_242418409438608_2853535771091584814_n

12592632_242418586105257_7907713536042930218_n

Then as you get close to Winter Street it turns into Holyoke

12936713_242417966105319_1008186848468710568_n

12439028_242417942771988_3318096522259484757_n

1916246_242417012772081_6745781107901935026_n

12932558_242416969438752_51275414461257633_n

12924611_242415939438855_4945240704268884994_n

12938330_242416716105444_1505085867402068527_n

12919717_242415542772228_4699038028472335575_n

12938217_242415376105578_237386008728463256_n

As soon as you see the Western Union, I don’t care what city you’re in, that means one thing – you’re getting warmer if you’re looking to score some drugs.

12928171_242414439439005_3967735459551275911_n

079f2863-7fc7-4ed5-8736-67a1cbea0281

 

8. Lowell

10399816_242426359437813_354110435004799525_n

Lowell is kind of like Worcester without any good parts. If you think panhandling is bad in the Woo, take a trip to the Mill City sometime. The sign people there wear pajamas and accost you at every single gas station in town.

1620762_242428032770979_8627154024398946642_n

Lowell is exactly how Mark Wahlberg made it seem in The Fighter. It’s a bunch of dudes sitting on their stoops all day in tee-shirts acting like hardos.

12920345_242428102770972_5888505699708693330_n

Oh yea, and if you speak Cambodian and you wanna join a gang, then head on down to Lowell because they’re hiring. Just don’t move to Lowell if you like streets that are wide enough to drive down

12919664_242427516104364_5048905140357306362_n

Buildings that aren’t covered in satellite dishes, trash, and bed sheet curtains

12932641_242427132771069_3894836725414857208_n

12376866_242427439437705_6961561148103527632_n

12931123_242426546104461_9156818049895942418_n

Barber shops and nail salons

12931251_242426706104445_5106927636509995513_n

Just like in a lot of cities there is an ongoing battle between the older people who immigrated from countries like Portugal, and the new immigrants, who they don’t want mixing with their grandkids. In every major city you can tell you are at the home of an old Portuguese or Italian woman based on whether or not they have grape vines growing in their driveway:

12512744_242426522771130_2008571050520964530_n

This is the scenic view in Lowell

12670642_242426396104476_2491917602917279950_n

This is what 95% of the streets look like:

9606_242428142770968_6545419983288023026_n

12920413_242427399437709_8667473881780499646_n

12936512_242426629437786_7442680523085444223_n

12439294_242427706104345_221640711196798029_n

No matter where you go you’re almost guaranteed to come across a grizzled white guy in a hoodie standing near an abandoned factory

10649813_242427776104338_2943816935901957937_n

In Lowell, this is what they call a “playground”

12494762_242427082771074_6397349474576397415_n

12919867_242426959437753_2325661029864460734_n

Lowell even has satellite dishes that appear to have grown their own satellite dishes

12472743_242426789437770_9134577365227963659_n

There are a never ending supply of discarded mattresses and box springs – first come, first serve

12924433_242426896104426_6469238689981223236_n

Abandoned swivel chairs

12920413_242428146104301_8114852461234086023_n

Boarded up vacants

12920330_242427626104353_7269193139228509884_n

Abandoned businesses and billboards that no one wants to advertise on

12936568_242427979437651_7747354367532108473_n
And of course dudes walking down the street smoking blunts openly

12931264_242426566104459_8264613834990666649_n
Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 1.20.12 PM

 

9. Lawrence

12321680_242421706104945_1847987451192672967_n

There is no other city in Massachusetts that can approach the amount of grime, filth, and overall craptacularity of Lawrence. Seriously, I don’t know what number 2 would be (Holyoke, Chelsea, Brockton, Ware, Springfield, Lynn?) but none of them can hold a candle to Lawrence. It is hell on earth. The former mill town meets every possible requirement of a dump. There are a never ending supply of bootleg grocery stores, barber shops, and liquor stores, none of which are in English, but all of which proudly urge you to shop there with your food stamps:

72353_242421692771613_4155434132610057176_n

12376297_242419259438523_4290905942796469374_n

12717949_242419356105180_9186862993070530402_n

12936687_242421522771630_2434224645903514955_n

Triple deckers covered in graffiti and satellite dishes, which adorn them like medals on a decorated war veteran:

12923123_242419819438467_6031424418200467488_n

1958521_242421629438286_8797114111149982227_n

Handball courts:

12717980_242420406105075_6838323524647539580_n

People blaring their favorite ethnic tunes from their souped up Altimas, all of which sound exactly the same:

Who needs a Super Market when you have a Super Mas instead?

12933069_242421609438288_5038886247878114107_n

Lawrence has plenty of runaway shopping carts, which are a must have in the 2016 American urban ghetto:

12919813_242420366105079_3768626953202336561_n

Rapey looking alleys

12932764_242420062771776_4173653939385999695_n

Shipwrecked boats:

12932575_242420132771769_4651562312967281430_n

Empty lots filled with trash and broken dreams of one day moving to Methuen

12112515_242421426104973_684565943401131336_n

Abandoned factories

12924410_242420106105105_1219119951685971886_n

Boarded up vacants

12920271_242421482771634_2258316681383656089_n

 

Fences that are mainly used to keep the trash out of your yard

10154970_242420202771762_2484671963357262713_n

And of course Lawrence has the world’s highest concentration of able bodied men standing around doing nothing at 11:30 AM on a Wednesday:

12670661_242418979438551_1261695538095383110_n

12931198_242421579438291_2431474781405271647_n

12919803_242419282771854_3282918229955132061_n

12931211_242421666104949_6347729547383449923_n

12919717_242420302771752_6443079267235534976_n

12936535_242419686105147_3099462564931585103_n

12924612_242419939438455_3650119604767603037_n

12494774_242419659438483_5671272000410447066_n

12472633_242418792771903_1166050044126630280_n

12932622_242419832771799_2836295580459801776_n

12919834_242420186105097_5600611563530564135_n

12717985_242420029438446_2406326755806004771_n

1918301_242420012771781_9070872711929549648_n

10347611_242421546104961_7807315613023096185_n
Because apparently they’ve all invested their money wisely so they can afford to sit back all day, smoke blunts, and watch their portfolios grow. Chillin is so hot right now in the great city of Lawrence.

Agree? Disagree? Feel free to share your comments and let us know where we should take our next bone ride to. There are 351 towns and cities in Massachusetts. By our count we’ve been to 78 of them on these trips. I don’t care how long it takes, we will go to all 351 and we will rank them on one master list from nicest to crappiest town in the commonwealth.

 

We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.

Screen Shot 2016-01-18 at 4.54.34 PM

unnamed (1)

079f2863-7fc7-4ed5-8736-67a1cbea0281

Screen Shot 2015-12-01 at 10.29.56 AM

unnamed-7

unnamed-19

Screen Shot 2015-12-28 at 1.20.12 PM

Liberty Tax Preparation, Greenwood StreetWormtown Brewery, Union Tavern, Scavone Plumbing, Bennie’s Cafe, Craftech Restoration, JJM Insurance, Smokestack Urban Barbecue, Attorney Michael Erlich, Smitty’s Tavern, Julio’s Liquors, Solarreviews.net, The Gun Parlor Range, Attorney Anthony Salerno

Want to have your business advert viewed over 2 million times per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

Click on the image to get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution hoodie or browse other merchandise from the Turtleboy store.

Click on the image to get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution hoodie or browse other merchandise from the Turtleboy store.

 

 

 

 

21 Comment(s)
  • marilu
    September 24, 2018 at 3:59 pm

    It’s funny right as i was looking at the pics of Haverhill i was thinking “it looks like Holyoke” , then i saw the next caption

  • Expatriot
    May 11, 2017 at 12:28 pm

    Poor Lowell. My hometown ain’t what it used to be. :_(

    Glad I got out in the mid 90s.

  • MCCGrad
    May 10, 2017 at 10:36 pm

    Come on man, Market Basket didn’t start in Tewksbury, it started in Lowell, as well as CVS, and phone numbers.

  • Martha Brockway
    April 4, 2016 at 7:39 am

    The Belvidere section of Lowell is quite nice – like Worcester’s west side. Other than that, you nailed it!

  • Tumpboy sports
    April 3, 2016 at 5:45 pm

    Methuen is way worse than Lowell… UML is saving Lowell, can’t say the same to METHuen

    • Hank
      May 11, 2017 at 4:56 pm

      UMASS Lowell makes about 2 squares miles on Lowell be not shitty. Idk how you can say Methuen is way worse, it’s not even close.

  • Turtle Educator
    April 1, 2016 at 11:00 pm

    Better Bone Cruise the Cape before the tourists come in

  • LivesInLowell
    April 1, 2016 at 1:48 pm

    In Lowell, there’s a Porsche SUV with upgraded rimz parked outside one of the housing projects.

  • Bernie's Bumhole
    April 1, 2016 at 1:20 pm

    nice Mercedes in the 2nd Lawrence pic, parked in front of the EBT / WIC accepting store.
    all these years of trying to work hard to purchase a Mercedes, I just realized I was doing it wrong.

  • LivesInLowell
    April 1, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    Darn, TB missed the tent city in lowell right after the lord overpass heading in bound on thorndike/dutton st. on the left along the canal and perpendicular to the train tracks, before dunkin donuts. Usually, there’s about 2-3 people begging for change on the lord overpass, too.

    Lowell and Lawrence are in a close competition for dumpiest city. Tough decision.

  • Nicole
    April 1, 2016 at 5:37 am

    Lawrence – our Bernie Sanders look into the future….

  • Eric
    March 31, 2016 at 10:51 pm

    No no no TB you got it all wrong. All those able bodies must work the night shift. That is the only explanation.

  • Nevermind
    March 31, 2016 at 10:48 pm

    Glad to see that the extreme income inequality in Mass is worth at least one snarky blog post.

  • anononon
    March 31, 2016 at 10:31 pm

    Is that Boom Boom Connor standing in front of Flow Wine and Beer (Lawrence)?

  • BobnMic
    March 31, 2016 at 6:34 pm

    Another great pictorial essay. What’s great about this segment is that, although Massachusetts is a fairly small state compared to most with the exception of Rhode Island, I will never see most of these towns in my lifetime and I was born and raised here. These tours must fun to do. Just my opinion.

  • Worc is looking better & better
    March 31, 2016 at 6:20 pm

    Well, now I know which areas to stay far away from come time to start house hunting! Your turtle bone rides have really helped wean out towns to look at!! At this rate, I might as well just stick to Worcester… hahahaha

  • Lowell Turtle
    March 31, 2016 at 5:45 pm

    Wish I knew you were coming up this way. Could have showed you around. You’re giving too much credit to Chelmsford, Billerica, Dracut . Missed a couple of trailer parks, some Iroc’s and big hairs in Billerica, and some genuine shitholery in Dracut. Good job finding some of the worst in Lowell but there are a few nice neighborhoods.

  • Anon
    March 31, 2016 at 4:42 pm

    Shipwrecked boats is the best line ever.

  • March 31, 2016 at 3:30 pm

    Lawrence,sorry

  • Reddog
    March 31, 2016 at 3:30 pm

    I have a very successful friend who was raised there. A couple of years ago he was very excited because he had made his last mortgage payment on his house. At the time,I was caught off guard,and I didn’t know if I was happy or sad for him.

  • Rich
    Rich
    March 31, 2016 at 3:23 pm

    I grew up in Methuen, and it’s worse than you saw. It wasn’t back in the 70’s, though. Also, growing up in that area, I could never figure out exactly where the invisible fence was on Rt 28 that separates Andover and Lawrence, but it’s definitely there.

Comment on this Post

*

RELATED POSTS
The Big E: Cesspool Of Morons With Infomercials, Fried Dough, And Goat Shit
Mr. And Mrs. Turtleboy Investigate Best Apple Picking In Massachusetts At Tougas Farm Northboro
Leominster Dad Makes Hilarious Vine Compilation Video From Three Months of Saturday Mornings With Kids, Morons Predictably Outraged