Turtleboy Made Aaron Hernandez Kill Himself Because We Wrote Mean Things About Him
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Breaking: Aaron Hernandez’ neck bones. In case you haven’t heard the news, Aaron Hernandez is now listed as questionable for the season opener with a neck injury. He’s also announced that he will NOT be going to the White House today.
Just kidding, he’s dead. Hung himself last night like a coward. Looks like his appeal is off to a rough start. Jose Baez said he wanted to take that case on too. Looks like Hernandez left him hangin.
Anyway, good riddance. Guy was pure evil. And if you’re keeping track at home, this is our second suicide forced in the last week. Because according to local communist/blogger Red Danny Margolis, whenever we criticize someone in a blog and they end up killing themselves, it’s totally our fault. And we have to assume at this point Hernandez rides the turtle. Who doesn’t? Maybe he’s a huge Talib Kweli fan and he’s following our tweet beef and decided he couldn’t watch his boy get roasted like that. At least the people we make commit suicide are mostly murderers. I promise if nice people start doing this because of our blogs we’ll hang em up, much like Hernandez did.
Honestly, this is the least selfish thing he’s ever done. I’m happy that his trashbag girlfriend will finally be able to move on. Hopefully she’ll find a decent dude who can actually be a father figure to her daughter instead of hauling her back and forth to Shirley every weekend. Frequent visits to a prison to see your Dad is no way for a kid to grow up.
BTW, I’m still not 100% sure this is a suicide. Aaron Hernandez is a bitch. Alexander Bradley would kill him in a heartbeat, and that dude is one bad mamma jamma. Wouldn’t put it up above him to pull a Stringer Bell and have someone on the inside take him out and make it look like a suicide. Nah mean Deangelo?’
P.S. Even though he’s dead, he’d still be the best tight end on the Jets. Just sayin.
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