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  • Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Round 1: Fupasloth Region – Vote For Which Ratchets Should Advance To Next Round

    Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Round 1: Fupasloth Region – Vote For Which Ratchets Should Advance To Next Round

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    The ratchet play-in games are over. Really only one of them was close. Here’s the winners who will go on to face the 1 seeds in each of their ratchet regions:

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    WANDA with the buzzer beater!!! See ya later Carmen Figueroa, Durfee parents, Brockton teacher beater mom, and suburban kids looking for drugs in Lawrence. You were ratchet, but not quite ratchet enough. Congrats to WANDA, Laughlin Kennel, the Chicopee superskag and of course Kevin Lynch, who received more votes in the ratchet election than he did when he ran for Mayor of Fitchburg.

    So now that that’s out of the way and we’re down to 64 ratchets, it’s time to get started on Turtleboy Ratchet Madness. We’re gonna start with the Fupasloth Region, and turtle riders will vote who is the more ratchet in each of the following 8 matchups.

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    So, once again we will link blogs we’ve written about each ratchet in their name, and give you a real short rundown of some of their finest accomplishments. Then you can make an informed choice about who you think should advance in the ratchet madness tournament.


    Busgate Parents

    School bus full of elementary kids stops in Vernon Hill to drop them off. Kindergarteners supposed to get off first. Ratchet Mom tries to board bus to try to take off second grader, prompting driver to shut door for safety. Ratchets tape themselves declaring Jihad on bus, before raiding it Blair Witch style. Ghetto bunnies voice their approval afterwards.


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    Kevin Lynch

    Convicted, admitted murderer full of imaginary civil lawsuits against anyone who has ever liked or commented on a Turtleboy post. Failed mayoral candidate in Fitchburg. Once left hilarious voicemail with Councilor Gaffney showing extent of delusion.


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    Rotund SJW screams at UMass panel because they’re discussing something she disagrees with. Becomes Internet meme due to excessive arm fat flailing and lack of stamina from yelling “keep your hate speech off of this campus” for five consecutive seconds. Later revealed to be extremely horny on Tinder.

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    Plus Sized Mode Becky Monson

    Plus sized model becomes Internet famous after cheering on the deaths of five Dallas Police officers.

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    Erika Murray

    Blackstone mother carries on on Facebook like a normal, responsible parent. Turns out she has three dead babies and dead pets in her trash filled house who she killed.

    Erika Murray


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    Cape Cod Jugalos

    The most confusing methhead family tree of all time.




    Driveway Dumper

    Guy sees chick taking a shit in his driveway on Hamilton Street in Worcester. Records it. Asks what she’s doing. She says, “taking a shit.” He confronts her in most Worcester way possible.

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    Sammie Holland

    Spencer woman who apparently feeds her unhealthy child strictly McDonald’s, starts GoFundMe for him but he’s not in the hospital anymore. Starts bogus raffles to win non-existent prizes. Has abled bodied ratchet boyfriend who apparently does nothing either.








    Kelly Scamerico

    Most legendary skankbeast in the South Shore. Has pretty much tried to scam everyone at some point. Beats kids up in church.


    Jill Porter

    Fupasloth arrested after driving drunk with baby in backseat in Douglas, hits several mailboxes, and defends her good name all over Turtleboy’s Facebook page.







    Brockton Fair Pregnant Smoker

    A picture is worth 1,000 words.





    Amanda Lacroix

    Truly disgusting human being. Starts GoFundMe for loser boyfriend to get his car fixed. Really raising money for drugs. Investigated by DCF after her baby died under her watch. Arrested after her other children (including a 2 year old) were found walking the streets, covered in feces.



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    Orne Family

    Two daughters and one ratchet mom. Obese younger daughter suspended from school for assaulting a teacher. Forced to write bullshit apology note, in which she blamed the teacher. Also pretty racist.






    Natick Dumpsterslug

    Sells her kids toys all over Facebook yard sale groups for drug money. Sells food stamps half price for drug money. Sells WIC food on Facebook for drug money. Has another child. Starts GoFundMe for wedding dress.

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    Joe Amoroso

    Alleged sperm donor of Bella Bond, who claims to have conceived her in a tent during Occupy Wall Street with shagbag crackhead mother. Pretends to be a loving father and media eats it up. Gets arrested a bunch of times for shoplifting and plays the “I’m Bella Bond’s father” card.

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    Gralinski Family

    Elected official in Cranston says that firefighters are ISIS for having flags on their trucks. Raised two sons who believe first responders are all terrorists. Buy American flags on the 4th of July just to step on them and post on social media.



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    Results will be announced tomorrow. Up next are the first round matchups in the Cheesehog region.


    We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.

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    Join the Discussion

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    1. Duke Westwood

      Some of these were HAAAARD…

    2. wabbitt

      Is it bad that I remembered almost all of them?

      Blackstone house of horrors mom should have at least gotten a direct bye to the Crazy 8.

    3. Flat Brim Turtleboy

      Tough round. Brackets will get busted by ratchets quicker than you can sell food stamps on Face Book!
      F March Madness, Turtleboy Sports is the new King of Ratchet Brackets!

    4. Ryan

      The shit girl is my favorite of all time. I watch that shit once a month (pun intended).

    5. Worcester County Trap Queen

      And to think snobby Boston people I know have the nerve to make
      fun of the South.

      1. Ashley For 3....Boom!

        Cheesehogs up next. Cheese-hog! Cheese-hog! Cheese-hog!

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