Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Round 1: Fupasloth Region – Vote For Which Ratchets Should Advance To Next Round
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The ratchet play-in games are over. Really only one of them was close. Here’s the winners who will go on to face the 1 seeds in each of their ratchet regions:
WANDA with the buzzer beater!!! See ya later Carmen Figueroa, Durfee parents, Brockton teacher beater mom, and suburban kids looking for drugs in Lawrence. You were ratchet, but not quite ratchet enough. Congrats to WANDA, Laughlin Kennel, the Chicopee superskag and of course Kevin Lynch, who received more votes in the ratchet election than he did when he ran for Mayor of Fitchburg.
So now that that’s out of the way and we’re down to 64 ratchets, it’s time to get started on Turtleboy Ratchet Madness. We’re gonna start with the Fupasloth Region, and turtle riders will vote who is the more ratchet in each of the following 8 matchups.
So, once again we will link blogs we’ve written about each ratchet in their name, and give you a real short rundown of some of their finest accomplishments. Then you can make an informed choice about who you think should advance in the ratchet madness tournament.
School bus full of elementary kids stops in Vernon Hill to drop them off. Kindergarteners supposed to get off first. Ratchet Mom tries to board bus to try to take off second grader, prompting driver to shut door for safety. Ratchets tape themselves declaring Jihad on bus, before raiding it Blair Witch style. Ghetto bunnies voice their approval afterwards.
Convicted, admitted murderer full of imaginary civil lawsuits against anyone who has ever liked or commented on a Turtleboy post. Failed mayoral candidate in Fitchburg. Once left hilarious voicemail with Councilor Gaffney showing extent of delusion.
Rotund SJW screams at UMass panel because they’re discussing something she disagrees with. Becomes Internet meme due to excessive arm fat flailing and lack of stamina from yelling “keep your hate speech off of this campus” for five consecutive seconds. Later revealed to be extremely horny on Tinder.
— Alan McGovern (@AlanMcG1978) April 27, 2016
Plus sized model becomes Internet famous after cheering on the deaths of five Dallas Police officers.
Blackstone mother carries on on Facebook like a normal, responsible parent. Turns out she has three dead babies and dead pets in her trash filled house who she killed.
The most confusing methhead family tree of all time.
Guy sees chick taking a shit in his driveway on Hamilton Street in Worcester. Records it. Asks what she’s doing. She says, “taking a shit.” He confronts her in most Worcester way possible.
Spencer woman who apparently feeds her unhealthy child strictly McDonald’s, starts GoFundMe for him but he’s not in the hospital anymore. Starts bogus raffles to win non-existent prizes. Has abled bodied ratchet boyfriend who apparently does nothing either.
Most legendary skankbeast in the South Shore. Has pretty much tried to scam everyone at some point. Beats kids up in church.
Fupasloth arrested after driving drunk with baby in backseat in Douglas, hits several mailboxes, and defends her good name all over Turtleboy’s Facebook page.
A picture is worth 1,000 words.
Truly disgusting human being. Starts GoFundMe for loser boyfriend to get his car fixed. Really raising money for drugs. Investigated by DCF after her baby died under her watch. Arrested after her other children (including a 2 year old) were found walking the streets, covered in feces.
Two daughters and one ratchet mom. Obese younger daughter suspended from school for assaulting a teacher. Forced to write bullshit apology note, in which she blamed the teacher. Also pretty racist.
— Gabbie Orne (@stonedcookiess) October 5, 2013
Sells her kids toys all over Facebook yard sale groups for drug money. Sells food stamps half price for drug money. Sells WIC food on Facebook for drug money. Has another child. Starts GoFundMe for wedding dress.
Alleged sperm donor of Bella Bond, who claims to have conceived her in a tent during Occupy Wall Street with shagbag crackhead mother. Pretends to be a loving father and media eats it up. Gets arrested a bunch of times for shoplifting and plays the “I’m Bella Bond’s father” card.
Elected official in Cranston says that firefighters are ISIS for having flags on their trucks. Raised two sons who believe first responders are all terrorists. Buy American flags on the 4th of July just to step on them and post on social media.
Results will be announced tomorrow. Up next are the first round matchups in the Cheesehog region.
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