Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at [email protected] for more information.
Turtleriders know we love outing dirtbags who sell their food stamps. We enjoy it so much that we now celebrate Food Stamp Friday by serving up shame sammiches to people who trade taxpayer funded EBT benefits for cold hard cash (you know, in lieu of pawning their mom’s TV or whatever.) However,
thisparticular instance of Food Stamp Friday took a turn for the worse when a guy ended up getting stabbed by his paranoid, crackhead buddies after they found out he bought some broads EBT card.
Nope, not fake news. This is just normal Friday night behavior for Haverhill trash.
So this guy (I’m gonna call him “Joe”), his wife and their 4 kids went to a Bradford apartment at Forest Acres Drive to visit Demetrius Tragiou and Lisa Levoie. Why on earth you would bring your precious gaggle of crotch minions around these two people is beyond me:
Apparently “Joe” decided to take a quick trip over the bridge to Haverhill to buy an EBT card off some chick named “Jasmine” while his bae and kiddos hung back with these two creepoids. After he scores his stamps he calls Demetrius and tells him about it which, according to Joe, made Demetrius wig the fuck out. I’m not sure why he got so bent out of shape about it. It’s not like he’s gainfully employed or pays taxes to help fund assistance programs. I think his outward rage most likely stemmed from the fact that his facial hair resembles black mold growing off a potato but I could be wrong.
When “Joe” gets back he’s met outside by Demetrius and his loyal sidekicks Donald Plourde:
And David Plourde:
What a fantastic collection of failed DNA these two bro-chodes have going on..
Anyway, the four of them drove to David’s rat-den apartment on Webster Street where the brothers smoked some crack and started beating the snot out of “Joe” for allegedly “setting them up” (whatever that means.) Then Demetrius stabbed “Joe” a whole bunch of times before Donald drove him to Holy Family hospital. What a nice guy.
In the meantime, “Joe’s” wife and 4 kids were still at Lisa and Demetrius’s apartment.
It’s like that scene from Forrest Gump where he tells Jenny “You’ll always be my girl” but with face tattoos and attempted murder and whatnot. This story doesn’t make any sense but until I find out otherwise I’m gonna say it all happened because, crack rocks.
Ok let’s break these chumps down.
Donald has 3 kids, has been arrested for stealing 14 man-hole covers back in 2010 (also not fake news), drives around blitzed out of his tree at 10 a.m. and has been raided by the police for using and selling heroin and receiving stolen property. Oh, and his kids were there during the raid. Dad status 100%.
Dave isn’t nearly as well versed in the art of being a shitbag as his brother. He also has young children and is “self employed” AKA he survives by being a grungy, bottom feeding burnout who’s upper lip probably smells like old cabbage and American Spirits. He’s been arrested for possession of heroin & defacing property (oooooh what a badass.)
Lisa’s face is what I imagine Andre The Giant’s big toe looked like before he kicked the bucket. Honestly I think her biggest crime (besides that messy kidnapping and conspiracy business) is being a walking colostomy bag who willingly bumps uglies with Demetrius. Those two throwing down in the sack must be like two drooling, diabetic bulldogs fighting over a rump roast. Spoiler alert! She has young kids too.
Then there’s Demetrius. This guy makes the Plourde brothers look like Burt & Ernie.
See that face? That’s the face of a dude who will stab you for shits and giggles. Demetrius is a proud member of the Latin Kings and if Google search results for arrests are trophies you might as well slap some Olympic gold medals on him.
Seriously though. Look at this guy:
All 4 of these trash beasts are currently being held without bail until a dangerousness hearing next Wednesday which is HILARIOUS. Do we really need a court date to consider whether or not these people are dangerous?
Hold on, let me think… Attempted murder? Dangerous. Kidnapping? Dangerous. Assault and battery? Yup, still dangerous.
Does this look like a dude who should be allowed bail?
I’m hoping he doesn’t get out because I’m pretty sure if he read this article he wouldn’t be too happy about it. The last thing I need is an adult man dressed like a Playtex tampon kicking my door in.
Hopefully he finds the person responsible for making this Myspace page first:
There you have it. All of the butthurt people who give us crap about outing food stamp fraud should really be thanking us. We’re doing you a service by warning you that purchasing food stamps is 1) Illegal. 2) Grounds for public humiliation and 3) May actually get you killed by crackheads and scary dudes with face tats.