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  • Why Are These Pawtucket Xanax Trap Queens Messaging Us To Buy Zans Off Turtleboy?

    Why Are These Pawtucket Xanax Trap Queens Messaging Us To Buy Zans Off Turtleboy?

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    Not sure how these rumors started, but we’d just like a moment to clarify that Turtleboy is NOT a Xanax salesman. I’m not sure why, but out of nowhere the other day these Rhode Island  ragtags started messaging us for the hookup. Started with Krystal Schofield:

    First of all, if you’re gonna date a guy with a chin strap, he better be able to get you zans. Secondly, we have no clue who Jessica is. At first we figured she was trolling us. I mean, it’s the Turtleboy Sports Facebook page. She’s not even messaging a person. She’s messaging a business page for a blog and asking to buy drugs. But this chick really wanted her zannies, so we figured we’d play along and see what happened…..

    But alas we were too late…

    It’s cool though, because she saved France from ISIS.

    Then today her Pawtucket pill pal Jessica Kane showed up inquiring about our services…

    With a face like this:

    You just know she’s the kind of chick who eats zannies with her Cheerios.

    That’s what your girl Krystal gets for buying zannies off someone else. I told her I could’ve gotten her three for 15. But she was in such a rush that she chose immediate satisfaction over quality, and she ended up buying fake zannies. So the lesson here is, only buy Xanax off of Turtleboy.

    Just kidding. We don’t really sell drugs. But our inbox sure is a magical place.



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    1. The Vorlon

      The girlfiend looks like a form of space alien, ready to give you the full body probe…

      1. wabbitt

        Well, I guess a Vorlon would know about aliens.

        She DOES kind of look like a Minbari…

    2. 3 for $15?

      I thought I have seen all! WOW

    3. Sue

      Lmao these two chics have to be the dumbest bitches by far!!!

    4. They call me Ponch

      Seriously folks.

      Is there NO shame anymore?

      These are the not-so bright ones too. Most shifties go undetected.

    5. Hughbo Mont

      “I’m with stupid —–> ” t-shirts would be more appropriate.

    6. phong

      I wouldn’t trust them. Tell them you need a topless selfie to prove they ain’t no five-0.

      1. They call me Ponch


        1. chrissy


      2. 3 for $15?

        That could go all wrong as I’m trying to figure out if Jessica use to be a dude! You could get a hairy chested picture

    7. Christine


      1. chrissy

        say wot?

    8. Mirror Mirror

      That was random and funny.

      BTW – No longer can the word “facts” ever be spelled correctly. It’s “FAX” or GTFO!

      You do need to credit that person (I forget which blog) that used it first, though. Preserve your integrity.

    9. […] the first time ever today two junkboxes messaged the Turtleboy business page to ask if we had Xanax for sale. One of them was Jessica Kane, who according to her Facebook page lives in Pawtucket, but she insists […]

    10. CJT

      Once again my theory is confirmed. The bigger the forehead the more ratchet they are. It’s crazy. 99/100 ghetto-ratchet chicks I see have big foreheads. Now to figure out the correlation????

    11. Bill Clinton

      I’d do either of these broads anally without lube.

    12. Heisenberg

      i gots vicadin, percs, and ritalin. Imma hit them chicks up.

    13. wabbitt

      So… Crystal said she knows Jessica. And then Jessica said she knows Crystal. Something tells me they’d already taken a few zannies before trying to score drugs off a blog.

    14. Will

      that kid in the bulls hat is my older brother jared and he died in Krystal’s basement October 27 2014 his 3 year anniversary is coming up please take the picture of him down. Krystal is a horrible Person and I blame her for his death and so so many other people’s but Jared doesn’t deserve that shit u said about him

      1. chrissy

        hit them up via email, twitter, or fb, dear, and so sorry for your loss

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