Worcester Bling Bling: A Magical One Stop Shopping Land Of Enchantment, Grandeur, And Magnificence For Hoodrat’s On A Budget

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Worcester Bling Bling: A Magical One Stop Shopping Land Of Enchantment, Grandeur, And Magnificence For Hoodrat’s On A Budget

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If you watched last night’s Turtleboy Live show we had technical difficulties and couldn’t upload the video to the blog. But the rap video of the week we broke down was actually a commercial for a local retailer called Worcester Bling Bling. And we couldn’t believe our ears when we heard the deals they had going on:

Only $9.99 for a new pair of jeans? Two pairs of sneakers for only $30? Prepaid minutes for Boost and Virgin Mobile? Contact Lenses? Jewelry? Luggage? Smoking accessories for when I wanna chill? VIP customers? This place sounds like the greatest place on earth, which could only mean one thing – time for a Turtleboy bone ride down to Worcester Bling Bling!!

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As you drive to Worcester Bling Bling you will often pass through Webster Square, an intersection where panhandlers have to sign up months in advance in order to grab a good piece of corner.

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A little more down the road Worcester Bling Bling can be found on Stafford Street, across the street from the world famous pile of Worcester shit snow that exists as a mating ground for local pigeons until well into May and June every year.

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Parking is at a premium, so make sure you are doing business with Bling Bling before exiting your vehicle.

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The first thing that greets you after you park your car is some sort of Trump wall consisting of life-size recreations of Cambridge Street booties:

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Presumably because they are trying to attract male customers who like to delve into what are commonly known as “big booty ho’s.”

The name “Worcester Bling Bling” is a little misleading. Because Worcester Bling Bling is basically Spags or Building 19, except with more prepaid minutes and cheap cell phones.

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Not even kidding either. They sell unlimited texting, calls, and data on any phone for $50 a month. Swear to God. And here I am paying Verizon like an idiot.

They do have some bling bling, but it’s mostly stuff you’d expect to buy off a gypsy on Canal Street.

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The name Worcester Bling Bling sounds kind of hoodrat. But it’s really just a combination of Marshalls, Savers, the Dollar Store, and Maurice the Pantsman, except with less organization.

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Let’s explore.

First of all, make sure you get there early to beat the mad rush.

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You have no idea the type of demand that exists for $1 makeup products.

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If you like smoking weed, then this is obviously a place you’re gonna wanna visit. What Worcester hoodrat isn’t in the market for a Hookah

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a gas mask

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(which can also come in handy in case your trench is ever attacked by the Kaiser)

a Patriots grinder

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A Bruins bong

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Animal shaped smoking devices

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Digital scales disguised as cell phones, so the po-po don’t know that you be pushing mad weight

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They’ve got some great deals on bowls

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The fact that there is a place in Worcester that sells buy one get one bowls for dirt cheap and I didn’t know about it is my greatest failure as a Worcesterite.

And for the “Holiday special” (presumably Valentine’s Day) you can buy your lover a bong and they’ll throw in a free gift card!!

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Also, these $20 Pringles and $20 Arizona Iced Teas might seem expensive,

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but that’s because they’re just decoys. There’s not actually any chips in them. Turns out they are just places where you can hide your stash in case your crib gets raided:

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Because I know when I open up a business the first thing I think is, “how can I attract the 18-34 crowd that needs to hide the supply from the fuzz?”

Is your probation officer up your ass about drug testing you? No worries, Worcester Bling Bling has plenty of options available to help you flush out your system.

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After you’ve gotten all accessories you need to smoke yourself stupid, you can move onto the next logical thing that you’d assume to find directly adjacent to the bongs – $20 luggage:

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Or if that’s a little too pricey for you they do have more affordable options for your next flight to Myrtle Beach on Spirit Air.

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After you’re done preparing for you next spring break getaway, it’s time to move on to decorating your bathroom. Because, when your wife tells you it’s time to redo the bathroom, this is usually followed by, “get my keys, we’re going to Worcester Bling Bling!!”

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And while you’re there, you might as well pick up a new toilet seat, because chances are if you’re shopping at Worcester Bling Bling your toilet seat is far beyond the point where it can be cleaned with soap and water.

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At $9.99, how can you go wrong?

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Now that your bathroom needs are finished, it’s time to spruce up your living room with some new shades. And Worcester Bling Bling has every brand of curtains you can imagine. Like, Sacramento, Savannah, Dallas, and other mid-major American cities.

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And the curtain section is very pleasant looking and easy to navigate through. No random boxes full of excess Worcester Bling Bling inventory blocking your path.

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Ever.

The shades will complement your living room along with this lovely tulip lamp.

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While you’re renovating your living room you can also pick up some stuff you really need. Like a $4 frying pan.

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Or a $2 car compass, in case you ever need to know which way is due north.

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If you’re stuck in 1994, then Worcester Bling Bling is your go-to place for landline telephone cords.

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The $5 sunglasses will last you a lifetime.

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I’m not sure if this jacket is for sale, or if the guy at Webster Square urinated on it and left it there:

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But either way, if you bring it the front counter, they’ll give you a fair price on it.

Onto the clothing section, where every day is buy one get one day.

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Let’s start with the head gear. No Worcester gutterslug’s outfit would be complete without a $5 flat brimmed hat, complete with a picture of a skull wearing a flat brimmed hat with a $ bill sign on it.

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They have many authentic fur hats, including monkeys

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rabbits

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wolves

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frogs

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and Ninjas

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For the ladies out there this is where you need to go to be the flyest chick in Great Brook Valley this summer. Start by getting a nice pair of leopard skin….whatevers

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For your formal neighborhood barbecues this summer make sure you have a Uniti brand flower dress – now on sale for $9.99

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For bowling night with the ladies you’re gonna wanna make sure you have your Penn State mumu

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Which will go nicely with your XXL Penn State scrubs

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Both of which are made of paper mache. Nothing puts you in the mood for romance more than Penn State. Well, nothing except for ladies thermal underwear

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Hot.

Almost as hot as your snakeskin tights, which you can sag to expose the crease of your buttocks for easier access the next time you’re in the mood or just need to scratch your grundle.

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And finally Worcester Bling Bling should always be your first choice when you ask yourself, “where can I go to get some bras and panties?”

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For the gentlemen nothing says it’s summer in Main South like an excess supply of oversized white t-shirts.

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Or black on special occasions, like celebrating your common-law marriage.

And your closet can never have enough jorts

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Paco brand anything

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Paco brand collared shirts that express your daily emotions, such as “get paid,” “knowledge is power so get some,” “mad funny,” and “u feel”

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Because who doesn’t own a shirt like that? That’s like saying who doesn’t stock their stash house with Galaso shirts

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Poop colored hoodies that come with Newport Light cologne built into them

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Or any other name brand shirt you can find in the 2 for $10 rack.

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Also, the commercial above is kind of inaccurate. Due to the Trump factor the price of jeans has skyrocketed from $9.99 to $14.99

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Got a big job interview coming at Subway and wanna make a good first impression? Well, you’re gonna need to hike up slacks young man, and that’s gonna require a belt. And the belts at Worcester Bling Bling are the best way to make sure they NEVER forget you.

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Nestled between the women’s mumus and the toilet seats is, you guessed, the shoe section.

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All shoes are permanently on sale for $15. And they have an endless supply of name brand shoes so you can be the flyest mofo on the block this spring. Like Jacata…..loafers

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EC boots

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Dream Sport……bowling shoes?

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“Mew Balance”

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Fashion G walking shoes

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Yuanbo high tops

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Nike Air Jordans Jerebkos

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Nike Air Max

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Air is an interesting brand. It seems to directly bite off of not one, but two real brands that sell their products in places that don’t end in the words “bling bling”

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Gotta big tryout coming at Sweaty Betty’s? Worcester Bling Bling’s got you covered.

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Want your kids to be fresh to def at school this year? Get em a pair of bootleg Uggs

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Or “Brocs” (bootleg crocs)

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Just understand that it’s up to you to find the matching pair.

And if all else fails and none of these things are to your liking, at least you’ll be able to leave with a rice cooker.

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Because sometimes you’re shopping for shoes and you say to yourself, “I could really use a rice cooker right about now.”

In conclusion, the Worcester Bling Bling rap video infomercial was 95% accurate. Prepaid minutes? Check. Two for $30 shoes? Check. Jewelry? Check. Luggage? Check. Smoking accessories? Double check. The only thing that was missing were the contact lenses. But that might be because the Worcester Bling Bling optometrist doesn’t work on Wednesdays.

Anyway, I know where I’m going shopping for Mrs. Turtleboy next Christmas. Head on down to Worcester Bling Bling and tell them the turtle sent you.

 

 

We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.

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Discussion

  1. Cat Vomit Tango


    It’s like shopping at Walmart but without the stigma.

  2. wtatnuckgangsta


    Holy shit. My face hurts. If they are like Maurice the Pants Man…WHERE THEM DOCKERS AT. Nobody beats the Pants Man.

    Probs to the homeless guy with the corduroy. vvvvpvvvvpvvvpvvpzzzp

    1. wtatnuckgangsta


      And the fact that I can still relate to all of this after being gone for 6 years means that nobody will ever escape Worcester. It’s in me and you and there’s no fucking cure. Bling Bling, you just missing some rip off Tommy and FUBU…get on that shit. Aim for the free cologne samples from Auburn Mall but charge $2 for each. BOOM biz.

  3. FiestyLawyerLady


    That place is a normal persons nightmare! Shop there for Mrs. Turtleboy next Christmas and you will find yourself on the couch, rightfully so!! Don’t do it!

    There are stores like this on Tremont Avenue in the Bronx. Store after store after store. When I go visit family, or friends, I love walking down Tremont and window shopping. The shit you find…. lol

    1. wtatnuckgangsta


      If I got a gift from here, I would respect the humor. I’m lacking me a true Woo Man. Current guy does not understand why I’ve been laughing like a nutjob at this. He won’t even read it.

      1. FiestyLawyerLady


        Oh yeah if it was a joke of course… lol.

        Imagine getting see through cheetah Leggings for your Anniversary though?? Lol…

  4. Me133


    We should hang out. I need someone to make me laugh.

  5. White Flight


    Ghettofuxation on a epic level. It’s if like a swapmeet fucked a flea market in a trailer park you’d get this ghetto superstore. The surprising thing to me is that this shithead has brick and mortar to sell his bunk bootleg booty gear. This shit should be sold out of a 20 yr old minivan in a welfare office parking lot. Looks like a third-world supermercado, minus the free roaming chickens.

    1. White Flight


      That said, thanks for taking one for the team turtleboy. Decent folk wouldn’t even slow their roll past a trap shack like that. Be sure to bathe tonite.

  6. Price war


    Great tour and the Southbridge st. Family Dollar has a serious competitor to deal with.

  7. Dick Dover


    All that, and a ADA compliant wheelchair ramp. For those on the “disability check”

    1. FiestyLawyerLady


      What in the flying fuck is your avatar?? Lmao!! It’s creepy.

      1. Dick Dover


        It just showed up with that last post. Turtlemasters must of appointed me a rat? Perhaps it’s apropos matching my alter-egos nasty disposition. Thanks, I guess?

        1. Hugh Beaumont


          Different email? I stumbled on this avatar.

      2. BobnMics Gerbil


        It’s me after a loooong night with Bob!

        1. BobnMic's Gerbil


          Bob used regular bleach instead of peroxide when he was trying to landscape back there and it completely bleached me white. And do you think that bastard felt bad about what he did to me and give me any Hartz treats to make it better?

          Nooooooooooooo

          My owner is a bleached asshole.

  8. The Great Dolemite


    HOLY SHIT that was funny! I needed that this morning, thanks.

  9. BobnMic


    I would bet my last donut that Turd Burglestein spends a lot of the money he makes dealing cocaine here. Hell, this place might even be a front to help him evade taxes and appear to be a legitimate businessman. I am going to be keeping a very close eye on this place in the future. A steakout is definitely warranted. Mmmmmm steak.

    You can run but you can’t hide Tredge. I’m slowly but surely closing in on your empire.

    BobnMic
    DEA Agent

  10. juror seven esq.


    Was this some kind of public service piece? You gave the proprietor more free advertisement and exposure then he could buy from Worcester’s big three print rags, In City Times, Worcester Mag or the sorry T & G. I wonder does the owner get shaken down by Paul from Pulse?

  11. Turd Burglestein


    This snow is great! Any ladies out here want to hook up at a bar this afternoon for some cocktails?

    1. Tarbash


      Hilarious… Because it’s so weak. Nice try, Bobbie.

  12. BigPimpin


    What? They don’t take EBT $.50 /$1.00?
    They need to stock up on Similac , Grape Pop & Flamin-hot cheetos to cash in on that govt. gravy train

    1. BigPimpin


      -maybe get some ” loose cigarettes ” for sale too.

  13. ZephyrCat


    Damn, I live in Ct. Has to be snowing today. I gotta get my ass up there & see if they still have the flatbrim with a skull rockin’ a flatbrim with a gold $! Mine man, I’ll be the shit in the nutmeg state. All the bitches be sayin’, “Oh, you so fly!”. Maybe I can put it on layaway!

    1. Fml


      I’d go buttfuckingnaked in this weather before I’d wear clown clothes from that place.

  14. FML


    I guess the public gets what the public wants in Worcester. This dude has nailed the target demographic there. No wonder your elected locals officials treat the populace like they are morons, they have little evidence to the contrary. I’m sure the proprietor is a local success story …and they say entrepreneurship doesn’t thrive in blue states.

  15. Lincolntf


    Reminds me of The Mart, that shitty store at the bottom of Chandler St. When I was a kid, my mother would occasionally drag us there for something stupid, like cheap school supplies, and I hated it. The only somewhat redeeming factor was that I’d usually pout my way into getting a Tracer Gun or a box of Fiddle Faddle to shut me up. Still not worth it.

    1. wabbitt


      Oh my God – that’s it! It’s a ghetto fabulous version of The Mart!

  16. Maggie the Cat


    TB, did you happen to notice if they had any nice 72″ window curtains? All I can get today are curtains that are 63″ or 84″. Thanks.

    1. FatFingr Lou


      Maggie,

      I was disappointed seeing the Savannah, Dallas and Sacramento Collections represented. What about some more popular homegrown styles like Lynn, Chelsea and our own unique stamp on the world?

      To answer your question, Yes, they do carry 72″ curtains from the Worcester Collection, located in the Bed and Bath Dept…see 72″ x 80″ bed sheets.

      No charge.

      1. Maggie the Cat


        Thanks, Lou…but I really meant it when I asked about the curtains!

  17. Dgaf


    Reminds me of a ghetto “johns house of deals” now wholly cannoli

  18. Devils Mouthpiece


    The work boots look like they have been sitting there for years. Probably the one thing the locals don’t steal.

  19. wabbitt


    I know where I’m picking up my next pair of Mew Balance and some Dallas curtains. And a rice cooker.

  20. ComfortablyNumb


    Wow, I’ve walked by this place plenty of times on my way to WS Plaza (and yes, I bring my kids to the magical strip mall dentist with the playground inside), but I never checked it out. Always assumed it was nothing but hideous clothing, based on the legs out front. They should change the name to something less ghettofabulous to attract more clientele; my Chinese mother-in-law would love this place.

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