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Here’s a Christmas story that tugs at my turtle’s heart. Many of you have used online dating or the old school method of getting wasted at the Blarney and taking what you can get in a failed attempt to find love. A 48 year old Worcester boob named Lyman Stanton just reinvented the dating game though by posting fliers all around town on light poles, because apparently this man is a Goddamn genius. This was the mating call he put out there on light poles in Worcester’s finest neighborhoods, including Vernon Hill, Main South, and Webster Square:

“DWM 48, seeks love once again. I’m financially secure and emotionally stable. I seek a woman who is drug-free with Christian values. Please contact me through text or by leaving a detailed message.”

And it worked. Big time. Dude has apparently been on 12 dates in the last seven or eight months. I’m not exactly sure what a date involves, but he’s already a million times more successful than I was back in my Leitrim’s days, and for 1/10,000th of the cost and aggravation. Do you realize how much time the average guy wastes at bars when he’s single? The best of the best gets some play time one out of every five or six nights out. And those guys are really good at their craft. The average dude I’d say is successful on the hunt about once every 20 times, and that’s being pretty generous. More often than not you strike out three or four times before settling for the old reliable last option drunken text message. There isn’t a guy in Worcester who hasn’t resorted to that at last call.

But this man right here

Courtesy of T&G Staff/CHRISTINE HOCHKEPPEL

is years ahead of all of us. Turns out all we had to do this whole time was just tape a piece of paper to a light pole in Main South and the rest took care of itself. According to this story, that man can get a gaggle of single mothers to call him up whenever he tosses one of those puppies on a light pole. And let’s be honest – single mothers is really the demographic that everyone should be shooting for. They don’t play games, they know all the tricks of the trade, and they don’t have time for bullshit. The man is my new idol.

Oh yea, and the guy is also a true gentlemen and you can’t help but root for him. He readily admits that he’s had some bad luck with the ladies since high school, but he’s got a good job, working with the developmentally disabled. Did I mention that he’s doing this largely because his ex-wife is called his ex-wife because she got knocked up by some other dooshnozzle? How can you NOT root for this guy?

Think of what this guy has just done for men. Everyone knows that women control the dating the market. Here’s an example. Mrs. Turtleboy’s friend has a Tinder account. We went on there with her the other night and Mrs. Turtleboy swiped right if she saw some dude she approved of. Literally 100% of the time, the dude had already swiped right for her friend and they got a match. Because that’s what guys do. They just offer themselves up for sex to pretty everything that looks good. Meanwhile women get their pick of the litter. Don’t take my word for it, Chris Rock put it better than anyone:

As a guy you have to get used to rejection. A 10% return on investment is pretty solid. But that means you’re getting rejected 90% of the time. Meanwhile Lyman Stanton here gets rejected NEVER and has strange single women calling him up that are already interested in the Lyman train coming to town. Brilliant.

So I think we can all agree that we’re rooting for this guy right? Wait, what’s that? You mean dingbats out there are actually MAD at this guy? Let’s see what these geniuses have to say:

“So this smiling fool is the face of the people who graffiti poles all over the city. Disgusting…..”

Yea, by FAR Worcester’s biggest problem is people who put signs on poles. Sure we just had a Goddamn homicide on West Boylston Street, and people overdosing on heroine all over the place. But none of those problems come close to the epidemic of nice guys like this trying to get laid by putting their personal ads on light poles.

While Lyman B. Stanton is (possibly?) to be commended for devising an innovative method for enticing members of the fairer sex to pay him (any?) attention, he SHOULD be aware that his technique is CREEPY at best and ILLEGAL at worst.

OK, anyone who uses the word “creepy” is by definition an asshole. That’s a word that annoying women with a stick up their ass like to use when referencing guys they’re not interested in.

I feel bad for the guy. I feel bad for the poles. The burning question is :”THIS IS FRONT PAGE NEWS?”

Yea this guy was so disinterested in this story that he not only took the time to read it, but also commented on it. Give me another story about pit bulls, that’s what I REALLY wanna read about.

Also, the reference to Christian values might turn off a lot of women with really terrific values who would worry that you might be extremely right-wing politically or not open-minded about other religions and cultures. 

Shut up hippie.

Like I said, the man has earned my respect and then some. If you’re a single mother in her 40’s and you’re looking for a nice bald guy with a mustache and a heart of gold, then head on down to your local traffic light and give this guy a buzz. You won’t regret it. Turtleboy guarantee.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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