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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.

People are all fired up that professional dooshnozzle/conservative blogger Ann Coulter wrote a column the other day that took a huge, steamy, Glenn Beck-ian dump all over soccer. These people can’t stop talking about it because as you will see, it’s insane. But I got news for you people – she wins. We’re all talking about it. This is how she sells books. Millions of Americans will buy her next book because they will associate hating soccer with being a Patriotic Obama-fearing America.

But guess what? Ann Coulter doesn’t believe any of the shit that comes out of Ann Coulter’s mouth. Because she cares about one thing and one thing only – CASH MONEY!! She could be the biggest closet liberal. She could’ve even (gasp) voted for Obama!!! We would never know. We only see what she outwardly projects to the masses. She knows there are millions and millions of Americans who will believe anything they hear on Fox News. So she gives them what they wanna hear.

But guess who she’s best friends with? Bill Maher!!!

But, but, but….he’s a liberal!!! Yea, no shit sherlock. He’s the “liberal” version of Ann Coulter. He makes his millions by appealing to morons who think they’re making a difference by changing their Facebook profile picture to the pink equality sign. There’s a good chance he doesn’t believe a word he’s saying either.

These two have figured out that America has very little middle ground on anything. Like, take me for instance. I’m conservative when it comes to issues like voter ID laws, and liberal on gun control laws. Because I view each particular issue independently. But in America you’re basically told what to think ON EVERY SINGLE ISSUE by either MSNBC or Fox News. So when I explain to my liberal friends that it’s common fucking sense to show ID to vote they call me an African-American hating Rush Limbaugh. And when I tell my conservative friends that the concept that every American has a right to purchase any gun they want with zero restrictions is INSANE, they call me an atheist Rachel Madow.

So yes Bill Maher will say insane things sometimes, and so will Coulter. This is how they sell books and get on TV. And Coulter has figured something out that will catch on pretty quickly – sports can be used to define the boundaries between liberals and conservatives.

Soccer is most popular in Seattle, one of the most liberal cities in America. Football is the conservative sport of choice, and not coincidentally is most popular in red states like Texas.

The comparison between the two sports has the whole liberal-conservative dynamic too. If you don’t like football then you must not support the troops and unlimited war. Murica. If you don’t like soccer then you must be a xenophobic and unsophisticated redneck. Bigot. Liberals love to point out how Americans are close-minded and don’t embrace other cultures. Conservatives love to point out that if you embrace other cultures you’re a terrorist. Soccer is thus the perfect topic that can be used to divide Americans politically. You can hate what she says, but the fact of the matter is that Ann Coulter is kind of a genius.

Here are some of the things she said in her obvious clickbaiting diatribe:

I’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade — or about the length of the average soccer game — so as not to offend anyone. But enough is enough. Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay. 

Yesterday’s soccer game against Germany was less than two hours. Do you understand how long Yankees-Red Sox games are? Gotta love how she starts this article off though. Soccer is a sign of our country’s “moral decay.” Because I was just watching soccer one day, and then the next day I was disseminating child pornography to Indonesian slave traders.

In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised. There’s a reason perpetually alarmed women are called “soccer moms,” not “football moms.” 

Look, I love to shit on soccer moms and the “everyone gets a trophy” generation just like any blue blooded American. But yea, this makes no sense at all. There are lots of heroes in soccer – particularly those who score goals like Lionel Messi. If you sign your kid up to play football and the coach sticks him at right guard because he’s a fat bastard, your kid isn’t going to be a hero either. This has nothing to do with soccer.

Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. That’s when we’re supposed to go wild. I’m already asleep. 

Yea Ann, that’s what happens. The ball accidentally goes in.

Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level. 

Ummm, what fucking planet is Ann Coulter living on? There’s just no way she can possibly mean this. There’s no co-ed sports in kindergarten? Does she think that there are all girls leagues at age five? Newsflash Ann – a five year old boy is the exact same fucking size as a five year old girl. They both have a shorter attention span than my dog, and all either wants to do is stand in the outfield, pick dandelions, and tell their friends a long winded story about their grandmother. Seriously, I googled kindergarten baseball them and this came up

Then I google kindergarten basketball team and this came up

So yea, these kids must be a much of anti-American commies because they’re playing on co-ed teams.

The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport.

Hey Ann, if you watched the U.S.-Portugal game then you’d have seen this guy named Geoff Cameron. He humiliated himself, the state of Massachusetts, and his country in that game. Literally handed them a goal. Oh yea, and if the threat of major injury is what makes a sport a sport then you’re not gonna like this chart on the concussion rates per 100,000 athletes Ann:

So is Ann saying that baseball isn’t a sport because those nancy boys don’t get concussions? If so, doesn’t that make HER the communist? Baseball is America’s past time Ann. Even ask Ken Burns. If you don’t believe that then you can go ahead and get the hell out of America. Either that or go smash your head in a wall in order to concuss yourself to prove you’re a REAL America.

I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO’s “Girls,” light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton. The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is “catching on” is exceeded only by the ones pretending women’s basketball is fascinating. 

I’m with you on this one Ann. Women’s basketball is the single least entertaining sport ever. Basketball was meant to be a fast game of athleticism. Dunking, ally-oops, and crazy shit. Women can’t do that. With women’s it’s a game of bounce passes and high percentage shots.

I was told to watch “Girls” once too, and it was by far the stupidest show I’ve ever seen in my entire life. This show is definitely pushed by the feminazis because the main character is a fat loser that wants to sleep around and never grow up, which of course makes her “independent.” And Beyonce is hot but insufferable. But Hillary? I kind of like Hillary and I can’t help but wonder if America would be in better hands today if she beat Obama back in ought eight. Sure the Ann Coulter’s of the world will start yelling “Benghazi” at this point, but Hillary is kind of a bad ass woman. And I dig that.

You can’t use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here’s a great idea: Let’s create a game where you’re not allowed to use them! 

Yea, not being allowed to use every possible function of the human body is a real bummer. Like in basketball why should you have to dribble? Your body is equipped to carry the ball without doing that. In football you can tackle a receiver before the ball gets to them, but because we live in liberal socialist America we have pansy ass rules like “pass interference.” Take that shit back to Russia, Hillary!!

It’s foreign. In fact, that’s the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not “catching on” at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it. 

The second African-Americans start embracing soccer is the second America wins it’s first World Cup. Sure Jozy Altadore and Mario Bolatelli are two of the best players on their teams, but that doesn’t mean black people are catching on. So apparently to Ann a sport isn’t a sport unless black people embrace it. Once again, she just took a steamy Beck-ian dump all over America’s past time:

Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it’s European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren’t committing mass murder by guillotine. Despite being subjected to Chinese-style brainwashing in the public schools to use centimeters and Celsius, ask any American for the temperature, and he’ll say something like “70 degrees.” Ask how far Boston is from New York City, he’ll say it’s about 200 miles. Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more “rational” than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man’s thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That’s easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters? 

What the fuck just happened? One minute she’s talking about how anti-American soccer is, the next she’s going off on tangent about how only commies and the French Revolution use the metric system. Oh yea, and if you ask a bunch of Americans how far New York is from Boston, I’d estimate that about 10% actually come within 50 miles of the right number. Now how do I convert 10% to American?

Look, I hate the metric system too. But that’s because I have no fucking clue what 147.2 centimeters is because I was taught this moronic measurement system since the day I was born. If I wanna add 6’10” and 5″6″, then how the fuck am I supposed to go about doing that? Do I carry the one? Do I borrow? No clue. If I grew up in a socialist paradise though I’m pretty sure I could visualize what 147.2 centimeters looks like.

Soccer is not “catching on.” Headlines this week proclaimed “Record U.S. ratings for World Cup,” and we had to hear — again — about the “growing popularity of soccer in the United States.” The USA-Portugal game was the blockbuster match, garnering 18.2 million viewers on ESPN. This beat the second-most watched soccer game ever: The 1999 Women’s World Cup final (USA vs. China) on ABC. (In soccer, the women’s games are as thrilling as the men’s.) Run-of-the-mill, regular-season Sunday Night Football games average more than 20 million viewers; NFL playoff games get 30 to 40 million viewers; and this year’s Super Bowl had 111.5 million viewers. 

Yea this makes a shit ton of sense. I think people are confused about what exactly that Portugal-US game was. It was the equivalent of a regular season game. You win those and you go to the playoffs. So yea, that was a regular season game that you’re comparing to the NFL playoffs and the Women’s WC Final. If the USMNT makes the World Cup Final the ratings will eviscerate the 1999 Women’s Final Game.

She saved the best statement for last though:

If more “Americans” are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.

So apparently you can sell books by literally making shit up. “No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer.” Ya got that America? None. Zero. Scientific fact. And it’s all the fault of Teddy Kennedy’s immigration law from 1965. Because he was the worst president ever!!

Look, there are a lot of reasons to dislike soccer – diving, Euro-weenies, MLS sucks, stoppage time, and the fact that ESPN covers it. But none of those were brought up by Coulter. Instead she did what she does best – appeal to the lowest common denominator of tea party yahoos who think that liking soccer proves that Obama is a Muslim socialist with no birth certificate.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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Turtleboy has gone mainstream. Check out our blogs for WEEI.COM’s Dennis & Callahan’s Producer’s Blog.