Last night on the Live show I had to do a rant about Frozen, because it needed to be said. My crotch fruits are really into this movie and wanna see Frozen 2. My problem is that they think that Anna is the hero/protagonist in that movie, and I just can’t let this myth go on. Anna is the worst character in Disney history, and Elsa is the real hero who gets no credit. Here’s why:
- Elsa was born with a horrible disability that basically makes her unlovable. She will die a virgin unless she’s willing to infect some dude and turn him into a frozen statue. If she wanted to be selfish she’d do that like a chick who doesn’t tell you she has herpes. But instead she selflessly isolated herself from her family in her room because she loved them.
- Anna is a fucking moron. She won’t leave Elsa alone because she “wants to build a snowman,” when in reality if she played with Elsa she’d become the snowman. She knows this because Elsa literally froze her ass by accident once, but she seems to forget that because she’s a fucking idiot.
- Because it’s a Disney movie Elsa and Anna’s parents are required to die in a horrible accident, thus forcing them to grow up faster than normal kids. Elsa’s older, smarter, wiser, and capable of functioning so she gets to be queen while Anna will rightfully never hold the throne, but she’s fine with that because she’s a simple minded idiot who just wants find a guy who will pretend to love her.
- On the day Elsa officially became queen she was nervous as fuck that she’d accidentally freeze someone to death, because once again, Elsa is a great person who thinks about other people. She went to great lengths to make sure she kept her heart rate under control, knowing that stress is what triggers her into being a wrecking ball.
- Anna, on the other hand, had no fucks to give to anyone but herself. Some diabolical asshole named Hanz is at the ceremony for Elsa and was trying to bang his way into a place he’s never been to and become king, by finding the dumbest chick possible to toss the D to. He was planning on Elsa herself, but then he heard Anna talk for five seconds and he realized she was a free lunch.
- Anna and Hanz bonded over singing a song, he flirted with her a little, and that was literally all he needed to do to get her to not only let him in her pants, but to commit to spend the REST OF HER LIFE WITH HIM!!
- Anna selfishly makes Elsa’s big day all about her by going up to Elsa and telling her that she’s marrying this complete stranger and epic douchebag. Because Elsa isn’t a fucking idiot like her kid sister, she wisely tells her what a terrible idea this is and refuses to give her blessing. Anna doesn’t relent on her mission to ruin the biggest day of Elsa’s life, knowing that she has a disability that can kill everyone if she’s provoked.
- Elsa tries to leave but Anna follows her, triggering Elsa’s powers to freeze shit, and instead of staying and claiming her rightful throne as queen, she runs away to the mountain to live in isolation so that she can’t hurt anyone. Because Elsa is selfless.
- Anna goes to find Elsa on her own because she lacks self awareness to the point where she doesn’t realize that she’s a complete fucking idiot who can’t tie her own shoe, never mind hike through the mountains during winter armageddon.
- She immediately realizes what a huge mistake this was but then sees another guy named Kristoff. Kristoff is a hard working, entrepreneurial, genuine, nice, blue collar guy, so naturally Anna has no interest in him because she’s into captain cuckhold. But that sure as shit wasn’t gonna stop her from making him think he had any chance of getting with her so that she could get a free ride in his brand new sled, which he just paid off, and doesn’t have the loan for.
- Kristoff stands up to her when some juiced out Danish dude tries ripping them off, and gets thrown outside into the snow like trash for it. It’s late and Kristoff wants to go to bed; he even found a place with heat that was free. Of course Anna wants to leave right then and there because she’s a princess and also an idiot with a death sentence who wants to drag others along with her.
- On the way to the mountain Anna and Kristoff nearly get eaten by wolves and almost fall off a cliff. Kristoff’s state of the art sled, literally his entire livelihood, blows up. Anna make no offer to reimburse him and instead demands they continue on this suicide journey.
- When they get to the castle Elsa tells Anna that she just wants to be left alone, but Anna wants her to come home because the world revolves around her. Anna foolishly leaves the door unlocked which makes it easy for Olaf and Kristoff to walk in, knowing that the only thing that makes Elsa dangerous is stress because it brings out her superpowers, and then Elsa who accidentally unleashes her powers onto Anna, who totally deserved it.
- The rest of the movie is spent with Kristoff selflessly trying to save the life of a girl who looks down on him, treats him like a slave, and destroyed his only possession and means to make a living. He drops her off to be fingerblasted by Hanz without so much as a thank you from Anna.
- Anna thinks that she can fix everything by making out with Hanz, but since Hanz sees she’s dying he realizes he has no use for her and can blame her death on Elsa. This is a tragedy, not because Anna is dying, but because Elsa will die too.
- Anna has to have it explained to her by a mutant snowman that Kristoff is in love with her, which was blatantly obvious to everyone but her because she’s a fucking moron.
- Anna gets credit with being the hero at the end because she jumps in front of Elsa when Hanz is about to kill her, knowing that an act of true love will fix everything. Thus she knew there was no way she could die and she’d be treated like the savior even though she spent the entire movie fucking everything up for everyone.
We talk about that and many other ratchets from the week, as well as our weekly phone call with Amanda Sawyer and her brother Justin from the bathroom of an unnamed motel.
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