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Anna Is A Selfish, Idiotic Moron With A Suicide Wish Who Tries To Get Everyone Killed Despite Elsa’s Attempt To Save Humanity

 

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Last night on the Live show I had to do a rant about Frozen, because it needed to be said. My crotch fruits are really into this movie and wanna see Frozen 2. My problem is that they think that Anna is the hero/protagonist in that movie, and I just can’t let this myth go on. Anna is the worst character in Disney history, and Elsa is the real hero who gets no credit. Here’s why:

  • Elsa was born with a horrible disability that basically makes her unlovable. She will die a virgin unless she’s willing to infect some dude and turn him into a frozen statue. If she wanted to be selfish she’d do that like a chick who doesn’t tell you she has herpes. But instead she selflessly isolated herself from her family in her room because she loved them.
  • Anna is a fucking moron. She won’t leave Elsa alone because she “wants to build a snowman,” when in reality if she played with Elsa she’d become the snowman. She knows this because Elsa literally froze her ass by accident once, but she seems to forget that because she’s a fucking idiot.
  • Because it’s a Disney movie Elsa and Anna’s parents are required to die in a horrible accident, thus forcing them to grow up faster than normal kids. Elsa’s older, smarter, wiser, and capable of functioning so she gets to be queen while Anna will rightfully never hold the throne, but she’s fine with that because she’s a simple minded idiot who just wants find a guy who will pretend to love her.
  • On the day Elsa officially became queen she was nervous as fuck that she’d accidentally freeze someone to death, because once again, Elsa is a great person who thinks about other people. She went to great lengths to make sure she kept her heart rate under control, knowing that stress is what triggers her into being a wrecking ball.
  • Anna, on the other hand, had no fucks to give to anyone but herself. Some diabolical asshole named Hanz is at the ceremony for Elsa and was trying to bang his way into a place he’s never been to and become king, by finding the dumbest chick possible to toss the D to. He was planning on Elsa herself, but then he heard Anna talk for five seconds and he realized she was a free lunch.
  • Anna and Hanz bonded over singing a song, he flirted with her a little, and that was literally all he needed to do to get her to not only let him in her pants, but to commit to spend the REST OF HER LIFE WITH HIM!!
  • Anna selfishly makes Elsa’s big day all about her by going up to Elsa and telling her that she’s marrying this complete stranger and epic douchebag. Because Elsa isn’t a fucking idiot like her kid sister, she wisely tells her what a terrible idea this is and refuses to give her blessing. Anna doesn’t relent on her mission to ruin the biggest day of Elsa’s life, knowing that she has a disability that can kill everyone if she’s provoked.
  • Elsa tries to leave but Anna follows her, triggering Elsa’s powers to freeze shit, and instead of staying and claiming her rightful throne as queen, she runs away to the mountain to live in isolation so that she can’t hurt anyone. Because Elsa is selfless.
  • Anna goes to find Elsa on her own because she lacks self awareness to the point where she doesn’t realize that she’s a complete fucking idiot who can’t tie her own shoe, never mind hike through the mountains during winter armageddon.
  • She immediately realizes what a huge mistake this was but then sees another guy named Kristoff. Kristoff is a hard working, entrepreneurial, genuine, nice, blue collar guy, so naturally Anna has no interest in him because she’s into captain cuckhold. But that sure as shit wasn’t gonna stop her from making him think he had any chance of getting with her so that she could get a free ride in his brand new sled, which he just paid off, and doesn’t have the loan for.
  • Kristoff stands up to her when some juiced out Danish dude tries ripping them off, and gets thrown outside into the snow like trash for it. It’s late and Kristoff wants to go to bed; he even found a place with heat that was free. Of course Anna wants to leave right then and there because she’s a princess and also an idiot with a death sentence who wants to drag others along with her.
  • On the way to the mountain Anna and Kristoff nearly get eaten by wolves and almost fall off a cliff. Kristoff’s state of the art sled, literally his entire livelihood, blows up. Anna make no offer to reimburse him and instead demands they continue on this suicide journey.
  • When they get to the castle Elsa tells Anna that she just wants to be left alone, but Anna wants her to come home because the world revolves around her. Anna foolishly leaves the door unlocked which makes it easy for Olaf and Kristoff to walk in, knowing that the only thing that makes Elsa dangerous is stress because it brings out her superpowers, and then Elsa who accidentally unleashes her powers onto Anna, who totally deserved it.
  • The rest of the movie is spent with Kristoff selflessly trying to save the life of a girl who looks down on him, treats him like a slave, and destroyed his only possession and means to make a living. He drops her off to be fingerblasted by Hanz without so much as a thank you from Anna.
  • Anna thinks that she can fix everything by making out with Hanz, but since Hanz sees she’s dying he realizes he has no use for her and can blame her death on Elsa. This is a tragedy, not because Anna is dying, but because Elsa will die too.
  • Anna has to have it explained to her by a mutant snowman that Kristoff is in love with her, which was blatantly obvious to everyone but her because she’s a fucking moron.
  • Anna gets credit with being the hero at the end because she jumps in front of Elsa when Hanz is about to kill her, knowing that an act of true love will fix everything. Thus she knew there was no way she could die and she’d be treated like the savior even though she spent the entire movie fucking everything up for everyone.

We talk about that and many other ratchets from the week, as well as our weekly phone call with Amanda Sawyer and her brother Justin from the bathroom of an unnamed motel.

 

 

 

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29 Comment(s)
  • Fat Girl Titties
    November 16, 2019 at 9:40 am

    At first I was going to skip this article. Thank goodness I didn’t. Unc is brilliant. I hate Anna. I never paid attention to the fact that she is 100% a SJW. If she were real she’d live in Wayland or Sudbury and would never actually make anybody’s life better. Fuck the Annas of the world.

    And stop voting (D)

  • freshmen
    November 4, 2019 at 3:01 pm

    Do some research and check out a Samuel French play. If that doesn’t prove we’ve been fooled then I don’t know.

  • RedLight
    November 4, 2019 at 1:30 pm

    l enjoyed reading this article. lt’s something a little different to break up the day…take your mind off of things. The sequel is coming out in a few weeks. This was a good reminder for everyone what a crapfest the original was.

  • Myipisnotmine
    November 4, 2019 at 11:49 am

    Thank god my kids are grown! Sponge bob has better life lessons then Frozen. 5 years ago when my niece stayed with me for a week the first time I feel asleep . Second time I said to my sister “ My niece is not allowed to watch it. “! She thinks I let politics get to my head and here is Tb talking about exactly what I was saying!
    Fuck Frozen and fuck all the scumbags in the world! Dam I wish Manny Mo was still around ! He could have worked for you all! He had scum bag stories everyday every hour lol!

  • pulsecook
    November 4, 2019 at 11:07 am

  • Very clever!
    November 4, 2019 at 9:50 am

    Oh I see you are trying to be clever. Cute.

    Sadly, your target mouth-breathing audience wouldn’t recognize clever if it hit them in the balls.

  • Say what?
    November 4, 2019 at 9:47 am

    No one parked in a handicapped spot today?

  • popularity
    November 4, 2019 at 9:03 am

    This story has got a lot of views and comments so why is so many saying it’s no good? The FB group has over 250 comments on this story. Disney is popular?

  • Olaf
    November 4, 2019 at 8:16 am

    I take Anna to poundtown on a daily basis, she’s tight

    • Olaf
      November 4, 2019 at 8:28 am

      • Olaf
        November 4, 2019 at 8:29 am

  • Dr. Ed
    November 4, 2019 at 3:26 am

    Disney is evil.

  • TortugaNiño
    November 3, 2019 at 7:43 pm

    This was great and while i can see how at face value a disney movie review wouldnt particulary grab the attention of your viewers, you should of mentioned how the whole film is essentially a microism for current liberal politics and their fantasy of it all working out in the end. Anna is the ultimate SJW, she sees ONE person suffering and is immediately willing to sacrifice the good of everyone else to help her. Does she seek council in her logic ? Nope. Does she seek validation of her methods? Nope. Does she assistance and cooperation? Nope. All she needs is her arrogance, ignorance, persistence, and self righteousness to set out and force anyone shes comes across into going along. Of course its a movie so it all ends well, but in real life, acts of true love dont get you shit and Annas topple kingsoms. The important thing is that if you dont want to raise shitty democrat kids who will one day turn around and sue you from your basement at 25 for not paying towards their degree in art history then you have to pay attention to this shit.

    • Grammie
      November 4, 2019 at 2:08 pm

      Well said! May I respectfully remind Turtle riders that to keep up appearances, we use “would have, could have, should have… “ (not would of, etc.).

  • Unkle Turtleboy
    November 3, 2019 at 7:33 pm

    Ummm, if you don’t like it pleas feel free to Get Fucked.

  • A Disney movie review? Really?
    November 3, 2019 at 6:56 pm

    Tip: Know your audience.

    • Lebron's
      November 3, 2019 at 7:23 pm

      Know our audience? We do. Our bottom dwellers will read and make a comment even if it’s a stupid story. Our audience doesn’t have shit to do. It’s called obsession loser.
      Now our REAL audience, the one that matters, is living life and would not give it any thought and scroll past it looking for something that interests them. You’re interested in eating Lebron James cum. Fag.

  • Turtle Rider Forever
    November 3, 2019 at 6:51 pm

    Unc, I’m crazy about your blog, and I’m getting ready for Bristol’s live stream, but, surely the world has not run out of ratchets!

    Not one of your better pieces, I’m just sayin’!

    Maybe if I hung around Lids, found somebody buying a flat brimmed Bulls Hat, and followed them around I could provide a lead!

  • Ant
    November 3, 2019 at 6:49 pm

    Man. Slow news day?

  • cornerthumbsuckcuck
    November 3, 2019 at 6:38 pm

    Is this available on vhs?

  • fuck u bike homo
    November 3, 2019 at 5:55 pm

    epic failure

  • Are u senile?
    November 3, 2019 at 4:48 pm

    Sorry but old news. Maybe read a current news site. Anyhoo enjoy the article while I fuck your mommy.

  • Western Turtle
    November 3, 2019 at 4:06 pm

    You read every article we’ve written, except this one? What didn’t you like?

    • Walt Disney’s Frozen Head
      November 3, 2019 at 5:09 pm

      Umm you know their animated right?
      Explain Elizabeth Warren.

  • From Douche Canoes to Disney??
    November 3, 2019 at 2:57 pm

    Fucking Frozen, are you kidding me?? I’ve read EVERY SINGLE blog that you guys have put out. Even the really long ones, just kind of muscle through it.

    THIS ONE?? Nope. Can’t do it.

    • Linda
      November 3, 2019 at 5:32 pm

      You should. It’s a good synopsis and very reflective of many relationships today.

  • jamie
    November 3, 2019 at 2:17 pm

    I never seen that movie and refuse to let me kid watch it.
    this is just validation it sucks.
    thanks 😉

  • Give a Fag a Throat Punch
    November 3, 2019 at 2:13 pm

    This movie came out SIX years ago. Got any Monica Lewinsky jokes while we’re at it?

  • Really?
    November 3, 2019 at 2:13 pm

    You really need to learn when to just let it go.

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