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So Mrs. Turtleboy tried being hip the other day and said that we should watch some “Netflix and chill.” Unfortunately I would soon find out she actually meant exactly what she was saying. She wanted to finally sit down and binge watch Making a Murderer and then pass out. It was then that I had to explain to her what I assumed everyone with a brain realized – Netflix and Chill is what kids say when they wanna fuck.
Our biggest demographic is the 25-34 crowd. It makes up over 40% of the audience some months. This is followed by the 35-44 crowd, many of which have teenage children. So consider this your Turtleboy public service announcement – When your dooshnozzle 16 year old son tells you he’s gonna watch “Netflix and Chill” with his girlfriend, and then all his friends start cracking up when you say, “That’s great honey, have fun,” he means he’s gonna be deflowering her. Congratulations, you are officially the non-hip parent you never thought that you would become.
I don’t know why people are having such a hard time with this, but lots of people are. The first time I heard “Netflix and chill” I knew right away it meant fucking. What else could it possibly mean? The goal of a lot of guys when they go out is to bring a girl home from the bar. Netflix and chill accomplishes that in record time AND it saves them cash. It’s the reason he’s not inviting her out for dinner and drinks. Because he just wants to cut through the bullshit. He wants her to come over in sweatpants, get comfortable, start a movie for five minutes, and then bang.
It’s important to understand that the goal of Netflix and chill isn’t to watch Netflix or chill. It’s to use those two things as a precursor for banging. How many times have you had someone over and started watching a movie, only to watch five minutes of it because you’re bumping uglies? Kids have just taken this very common scenario and given it a clever nickname that their naive parents can’t figure out.
It’s like back in the day if you asked a girl, “Wanna meet me at the Palladium?” This would obviously mean, “Let’s get wasted in the parking lot and go to third base on the dance floor.” The whole purpose of the Palladium was to create the medium for hooking up.
So yea, Turtleboy just wanted you to keep from doing something like this:
Apparently Mrs. Turtleboy’s Facebook roster is filled with women who just figured out what this phrase means today. I’m honestly shocked people couldn’t figure this one out on their own. Congratulations, you are all officially old. Luckily Uncle Turtleboy will be here to help you out with your urban vernacular going forward. Keep riding the turtle if you wanna understand what your kids are talking about in front of you.
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9 Comment(s)
My way of getting out of dinner and a movie was to pick a girl up and tell her I forgot my wallet and then have to stop back at my mom’s house where my wallet was conveniently locked in my desk drawer. Needless to say, this only worked once.
Submarine races at the Worcester Airport. Circa 1965.
Submarine races at the Worcester Airport. Circa 1965.
Back in the day when I was young and single, we would go “parking”. If I were 30 years younger I’d still be over 30. That officially makes me non-hip and I’m proud of it!
TB WITH THE WALK OFF WIN!!!!!! (TB drops mic)
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When i was a kid (in the 90s) we called it, “lets go for a ride”.
“Where are we goin?”
“You know…”
“Ohh ok”
We didnt need Netflix to chill. Or fuck.
Hell, the first time I heard that and saw the “20 minutes into Netflix and chill and he give you this look” meme – it couldn’t have been more obvious.
Shit, we joke at work all the time about doing Netflix and chill by yourself.
We tried to watch Forrest Gump,
She said she was bored, lets hump.
I said bitch I gotta take a dump,
Lit some incense then we fuck.
ok