Crack is whack, kids.
Want to advertise with Turtleboy? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.
Holla atcha girl: NorthShoreTurtleBabe@gmail.com
Last week, an employee of well-known no tell, motel in Danvers had her vehicle broken into by a ‘guest’ and had her purse, which contained quite a few valuable items, stolen:
So this chudstuffer who presumably just got done slamming his salami into a hooker hatch decides to go troll the employee parking lot for open cars, in broad daylight, knowing that there are proooobably cameras around. Smart guy. Desperation is a motivation, though, and he likely needed a few bucks to pay for his hog-ridin’ ho-down.
This all transpired on Wednesday, and by Friday, the fuzz had caught up with him because… well he was stupid enough to rob a car in the parking lot of the motel he was playing hide the bologna baton in. Darwinism at work, folks! We still don’t know who he is, though – if you do, drop NSTB a line.
It helped the boys in blue that the Hookersaurus Rex the chud was banging used her real gubmint name to rent the room.
Meet Jen Swanson:
Exotic dancer at VIP Entertainment and President of Moms and Dads Against The Department of Children and Families. What a fuckin’ resume! I’m sure there’s zero causation between them, too.
As you can see, Jen looks like she was rode hard and put away wet (which is also probably not far from the truth)
She’s a self-admitted backpage hooker, crack smoker, vein popper, and will do whatever your deviant little heart desires for a bag of dope or hard, or maybe both, or $50 cash. Better go shake out the floormats in your car for any errant rocks, you might just get yourself a gummer!
And of course, she doesn’t have custody of any of her crotchfruit – or the ones she buys to “mother” in the form of furry babies. A stupid crackwhore rat cunt by the name of Paula catnapped her kitty, which is probably the best thing that could’ve ever happened to it. “DCF Round 3” as she puts it. Thank God someone is looking out for the welfare of the voiceless, regardless of their species.
And now she’s addicted to heroin, crack, sex, and money! It’s all that rat cunt Paula’s fault, because Jen doesn’t have a cat to support and spend her cash on Meow Mix for, she has to find another way to blow it. And what better way than pumping shit into your veins and getting dicked down continuously?
Just when you think the ratchet meter can’t possibly go higher, it does
She’s trying to fuck poor MaLinda’s baby daddy while Jen herself is married. Jen just can’t help herself, cuz, sex addict, and asks Meaty MaLinda for help, who respectfully declines. Let’s take a quick peek at MaLinda:
Holy Sharpie’d udders. I know Jen’s not much of a looker, but if I were her, I don’t think I’d be chasing down the yogurt slinger that reared its ugly head in this wildebeest.
Oh, and those autographs on Meaty MaLinda’s hefty, hanging Gerber servers?
Oh, and it appears MaLinda doesn’t have custody her her crotchfruit, either. Surprise!
Anyway, back to Hookersaurus Jen here:
Eleanor seems like a sweet, little old lady just trying to help and doesn’t really know how. She mentions Paul… Paul is Jen’s husband.
Apparently, Jen and Paul have had their ups and downs, as every relationship has. Jen is upset because she went snooping through his phone and found out his ass has been going to poundtown with transgender women whom he pays a handsome sum of $350 to $500 for the lady dickin’ down adventure. No wonder she turned to Backpage – she needed to get her a dose of retribution and replace all the money her philandering husband was throwing at the ladymeat.
This hookersaurus also needs bail money, and has no problem begging the powers that be on Facebook to help
I wasn’t aware that if you don’t make bail, you get evicted, and lose the most prized possession known to a ratchet: her section 8 voucher.
She also uses the Facebook machine as a minute clinic, querying the public as to what swelling in her feet could *possibly* be (hint: infected hidden track marks)
Winner, winner, chicken dinner! Vic gets it. That car must be doubling as her hovel. We have the typical ratchet fare scattered about – Wendy’s, plain Lays chips, water bottles, and what looks to be another hot purse. I think it’s safe to assume that her foot probably got infected from hauling around town barefoot in the hoochie hoopty.
When she’s not participating in any of the standard hoodratchetry defined above, you can find her trying to fight DCF on the Facebook machine for kidnapping children:
Newsflash: Kids are dying when they remain with unfit parents like YOU, Jen. Aside from the vein popping, the crack smoking, and the nightly trains you enjoy having run on your tunaflap, you can’t even get off your ass and bring yourself to the ER for what is clearly an infection; how can anyone reasonably expect for you to take care of a child? Applause all around for DCF in this instance. I’m glad her kids are actually safe and being taken care of.
I know you’re all in need a shower after this, but before we end this, there is some silver lining. The victim was able to recover most of her items, specifically the gift/bank cards, and her license and Hookersaurus’ boink buddy was pinched by the fuzz. It’s unclear whether or not Jen will face charges as an accessory, but at least the good guy came out on top on this one.
Glad these shitstains didn’t hold back on the Chuck E. Cheese gift card – we have enough riffraff to deal with at the Mouse House, we don’t need anymore, like these ones, and these ones, aaaaand these ones.
We urge you to support the Turtleboy Sponsors by doing business with them. Without them none of this is possible. Click on any of them to check out their sites or Facebook pages.