Guttermuppet 2.0 Terrorizes Neighbors And Elderly Parents While Recording On Facebook Live, Takes Paypal Donations For Vegan Food, And Wants Rando Internet Sperm To Make A Viking Welfare Baby
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You guys remember 2017 Ratchet Madness runner up The Fall River Guttermuppet, right? How could you not? She totally got dicked out of her title, by the way.
Well, she’s about to get dicked again, and not even in exchange for a 20 rock, because let me introduce you to the Guttermuppet 2.0, the literal freaking Guttermonarch, Alyssa Kleinman.
She is freaking majestic. Ratchet royalty. I have never seen such a perfect storm of mental instability, complete apathy, perpetual victimization, and hot garbage in all my life. I was on her Facebook profile for upwards of like, 5 hours, you guys, where she pretty much livestreams her entire bizarre, sad life for a bunch of horny foreigners and old guys to see. I lost sleep over this, and it may break up my marriage at some point, because I am OBSESSED. She is the unicorn of all ratchetry, and beyond fascinating. If you have a few days of your life to spare, definitely check her out. Your life will never be the same. Queen Ghettomop the First!!
Let me walk you through my glorious journey down the rabbit hole.
So at first glance, this broad looks like your average nutty SJW. She’s vegan, and like most vegans, totally batshit crazy and irrational about the superiority of her dietary choices:
Fuck outta here with that nonsense. If God didn’t want us to eat animals, they wouldn’t be so damn tasty. We were given complex brains and opposable thumbs, so that we could be on the top of the food chain, and it’s delicious up here, bitch. Nobody gets in between me and a good porterhouse.
And of course, she’s all about that #metoo bullshit, because no Social Justice Warrior starter pack is complete without the obligatory past trauma of sexual assault and domestic violence:
Pretty standard bleeding heart SJW stuff so far.
But the further you go, the more the ratchet starts to seep in. She’s not safe around men, but in true Guttermuppet fashion, she’ll take your money straight to her paypal account.
$10 for some photos of a naked Methmuppet seems sort of like price gouging to me. You can just take a stroll through Hartford and get a blowie from a similar specimen for $15, and you won’t get hit with a kitchen gadget for eating bacon afterwards.
Alyssa’s Facebook consists largely of hours worth of live videos taken while she lounges around her house, occasionally breaking in to angry outbursts about her parents, her neighbors, and in one, her hairdresser. They are all gloriously insane. Obviously there’s some mental health shit going on upstairs – but there seems to be another factor here:
Drugs. Didn’t see that one coming! Add another item to the ghettoglorious resume that is her life’s work. This fruitloop has completely fried her circuits, and holy Meth Circus, Batman, she is a three ring event!
So, this chick is in her mid-30s and still lives at home, because, phantom disabilities, obviously. She’s been back under Mom and and Dad’s roof for what she estimates to be 3 1/2 years, so she’s clearly just “getting back on her feet”, which for her demographic takes a minimum of an entire lifetime. She terrorizes her parents, so naturally, they are “abusive” towards her:
I don’t get it, these grown ass adults whining about the parents they mooch off of. If you are over the age of 18, your parents no longer legally own you. You are free to go of your own will. Go get a job, get your own place. Move into a group home, go find the nearest tent city. But don’t whine and cry about how your thirty something year old ass is the victim of abuse at the hands of your elderly parents, if they really hated you, you wouldn’t be living there. You should especially not whine and cry if you’re acting like Alyssa does towards them. There’s no concrete evidence she can produce to substantiate her claims against them, but she sure does a bang up job incriminating herself.
Check out this video where she instigates her mother and father, accuses her father of hitting her over the head with a coffee pot, then – ooops! Admits it was her that hit her father with the coffee pot, and broke his arm.
Holy shit. Her mother just looks so confused and completely defeated. She knows there is no stopping this LSD express train barreling to crazy town, so she just sits back and halfheartedly takes the ride. Mental illness is tragic, sure, but this chick is living off of her parents whilst physically assaulting them, antagonizing and assaulting them, and it sure sounds like she’s terrorizing her whole neighborhood, too. No excuse for that shit. And judging from her posts, not all of her psychotic behavior is outside of her control. Maybe the drugs she’s bragging about didn’t explicitly cause her to lose her marbles, but….if she did has some preexisting mental health conditions, adding psychoactive substances to the mix is just pouring gasoline onto the dumpster fire.
She doesn’t seem too ashamed about catching a felony beating up her own dad, either. This sort of talk doesn’t bolster her “self defense” claim very much….
Total lack of remorse all the way around.
The whole argument is insane, but the best part is when Veg Vagina takes a piece of paper
Crumples it into a ball
Spits on it
And chucks it at her Mom. What a gem. Definitely the victim here, you’ve convinced me!
And the whole time Mom is just puttering around the kitchen, staring wistfully into the cabinets, with body language that just screams, “I should have swallowed”.
I couldn’t take my eyes off her page. I spent hours just sitting through video after video. Every time I thought to myself, “That’ll do, time to start writing the blog”, something else would pop up and blow my freaking mind, and further down the rabbit hole I would spiral. Like this cracktastic twerk video: (you should skip right to the 7:20 mark)
She bends over the bed, and starts shaking it like she’s earning a crusty dollar bill:
Falls over, as her routine goes from the Fall River fupashake to the Taunton Fiend Tango
Desperately grabs at the sex swing that is inexplicably hanging above the bed she seemingly only shares with two bewildered looking dogs
Commits to a big finish with a flourished Fitchburg Full Frontal jazz hands combo:
Then lays out spread eagle for….who knows what…. I just hope its not that little dog, or I’m calling MSPCA!
Then there’s the video where she decides to beat the shit out of some neighborhood shrubbery:
Then kisses it and makes up afterwards.
And here she is swinging from her sex swing while the poor dog sits below, his head turned as if it’s not the first time he’s had to avert his eyes from this nonsense.
That is the face of a creature that has abandoned all hope.
If “entirely physically disabled” is really what she’s trying to sell, her videos aren’t helping anyone buy it.
The next prize in this CrackedoutJacks box is the gift of insane paranoia! Alyssa is convinced that she is a “targeted individual” – which is looneytoon speak for “paranoid delusions caused by permanent brain damage from a few too many hallucinogen trips and/or meth benders”:
She also penned this brain-rattling letter/post/internet legal document, where she clearly is pretending to be poor Ma and Pops, and somehow thinks it’ll help her get some disability checks rolling in:
Dear God. I don’t think that’s how that works.
And she doesn’t seem to be a popular addition to any neighborhood cookouts. Probably because she persistently badmouths, harasses, and films her neighbors:
She seems nice.
Well, on the bright side, at least she doesn’t seem to have any children….
Oh. Yeah. Good plan. She definitely is qualified to raise a child conceived with a random internet pervo, and wants one for all the right reasons.
Alyssa, if you’re out there reading this, I am now your biggest fan. I ignored my husband, my laundry, even my regular sleep schedule, just to gawk at the flaming hot dumpster fire that is your life. I don’t think we could ever hang out, because I kinda feel like you might stab me in a paranoid delusional rage, but girl – you are an anomaly. I feel really bad for your parents, your neighbors, even your landscaping, really – and you definitely should be locked up somewhere for the betterment of society. But you are truly in a class of Ratchetry all of your own, and were it up to me, you would be locked away in a beautiful museum exhibit for all the world to marvel at, and not the prison or institution you are undoubtedly headed for. Let your crazy flag fly high, you beautiful psychotic SJW methdumpster. Try not to hurt anyone.
All hail the Guttermonarch. May she reign long, and continue to live stream the whole thing.