Hoodrat Heroes

Behold: Guttermuppet 2.0 Terrorizes Neighbors And Elderly Parents While Recording On Facebook Live, Takes Paypal Donations For Vegan Food, And Wants Rando Internet Sperm To Make A Viking Welfare Baby

Guttermuppet 2.0 Terrorizes Neighbors And Elderly Parents While Recording On Facebook Live, Takes Paypal Donations For Vegan Food, And Wants Rando Internet Sperm To Make A Viking Welfare Baby

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You guys remember 2017 Ratchet Madness runner up The Fall River Guttermuppet, right? How could you not? She totally got dicked out of her title, by the way.

Well, she’s about to get dicked again, and not even in exchange for a 20 rock, because let me introduce you to the Guttermuppet 2.0, the literal freaking Guttermonarch, Alyssa Kleinman.

She is freaking majestic. Ratchet royalty. I have never seen such a perfect storm of mental instability, complete apathy, perpetual victimization, and hot garbage in all my life. I was on her Facebook profile for upwards of like, 5 hours, you guys, where she pretty much livestreams her entire bizarre, sad life for a bunch of horny foreigners and old guys to see. I lost sleep over this, and it may break up my marriage at some point, because I am OBSESSED. She is the unicorn of all ratchetry, and beyond fascinating. If you have a few days of your life to spare, definitely check her out. Your life will never be the same. Queen Ghettomop the First!!

Let me walk you through my glorious journey down the rabbit hole.

So at first glance, this broad looks like your average nutty SJW. She’s vegan, and like most vegans, totally batshit crazy and irrational about the superiority of her dietary choices:

Fuck outta here with that nonsense. If God didn’t want us to eat animals, they wouldn’t be so damn tasty. We were given complex brains and opposable thumbs, so that we could be on the top of the food chain, and it’s delicious up here, bitch. Nobody gets in between me and a good porterhouse.

And of course, she’s all about that #metoo bullshit, because no Social Justice Warrior starter pack is complete without the obligatory past trauma of sexual assault and domestic violence:

Pretty standard bleeding heart SJW stuff so far.

But the further you go, the more the ratchet starts to seep in. She’s not safe around men, but in true Guttermuppet fashion, she’ll take your money straight to her paypal account.


$10 for some photos of a naked Methmuppet seems sort of like price gouging to me. You can just take a stroll through Hartford and get a blowie from a similar specimen for $15, and you won’t get hit with a kitchen gadget for eating bacon afterwards.


Alyssa’s Facebook consists largely of hours worth of live videos taken while she lounges around her house, occasionally breaking in to angry outbursts about her parents, her neighbors, and in one, her hairdresser. They are all gloriously insane. Obviously there’s some mental health shit going on upstairs – but there seems to be another factor here:

Drugs. Didn’t see that one coming! Add another item to the ghettoglorious resume that is her life’s work. This fruitloop has completely fried her circuits,  and holy Meth Circus, Batman, she is a three ring event!

So, this chick is in her mid-30s and still lives at home, because, phantom disabilities, obviously. She’s been back under Mom and and Dad’s roof for what she estimates to be 3 1/2 years, so she’s clearly just “getting back on her feet”, which for her demographic takes a minimum of an entire lifetime. She terrorizes her parents, so naturally, they are “abusive” towards her:

I don’t get it, these grown ass adults whining about the parents they mooch off of. If you are over the age of 18, your parents no longer legally own you. You are free to go of your own will. Go get a job, get your own place. Move into a group home, go find the nearest tent city. But don’t whine and cry about how your thirty something year old ass is the victim of abuse at the hands of your elderly parents, if they really hated you, you wouldn’t be living there. You should especially not whine and cry if you’re acting like Alyssa does towards them. There’s no concrete evidence she can produce to substantiate her claims against them, but she sure does a bang up job incriminating herself.

Check out this video where she instigates her mother and father, accuses her father of hitting her over the head with a coffee pot, then – ooops! Admits it was her that hit her father with the coffee pot, and broke his arm. 

Holy shit. Her mother just looks so confused and completely defeated. She knows there is no stopping this LSD express train barreling to crazy town, so she just sits back and halfheartedly takes the ride. Mental illness is tragic, sure, but this chick is living off of her parents whilst physically assaulting them, antagonizing and assaulting them, and it sure sounds like she’s terrorizing her whole neighborhood, too. No excuse for that shit. And judging from her posts, not all of her psychotic behavior is outside of her control. Maybe the drugs she’s bragging about didn’t explicitly cause her to lose her marbles, but….if she did has some preexisting mental health conditions, adding psychoactive substances to the mix is just pouring gasoline onto the dumpster fire.

She doesn’t seem too ashamed about catching a felony beating up her own dad, either. This sort of talk doesn’t bolster her “self defense” claim very much….

Total lack of remorse all the way around.

Here’s another one where she gets into with Mom over more “abuse” claims, and still manages to be the only one in the room acting abusive.

The whole argument is insane, but the best part is when Veg Vagina takes a piece of paper

Crumples it into a ball

Spits on it

And chucks it at her Mom. What a gem. Definitely the victim here, you’ve convinced me!

And the whole time Mom is just puttering around the kitchen, staring wistfully into the cabinets, with body language that just screams, “I should have swallowed”.




I couldn’t take my eyes off her page. I spent hours just sitting through video after video. Every time I thought to myself, “That’ll do, time to start writing the blog”, something else would pop up and blow my freaking mind, and further down the rabbit hole I would spiral. Like this cracktastic twerk video: (you should skip right to the 7:20 mark)

She bends over the bed, and starts shaking it like she’s earning a crusty dollar bill:

Falls over, as her routine goes from the Fall River fupashake to the Taunton Fiend Tango

Desperately grabs at the sex swing that is inexplicably hanging above the bed she seemingly only shares with two bewildered looking dogs

Commits to a big finish with a flourished Fitchburg Full Frontal jazz hands combo:

Then lays out spread eagle for….who knows what…. I just hope its not that little dog, or I’m calling MSPCA!


Then there’s the video where she decides to beat the shit out of some neighborhood shrubbery:

Then kisses it and makes up afterwards.

And then there’s whatever this is:

And here she is swinging from her sex swing while the poor dog sits below, his head turned as if it’s not the first time he’s had to avert his eyes from this nonsense.


That is the face of a creature that has abandoned all hope.


If “entirely physically disabled” is really what she’s trying to sell, her videos aren’t helping anyone buy it.

The next prize in this CrackedoutJacks box is the gift of insane paranoia! Alyssa is convinced that she is a “targeted individual” – which is looneytoon speak for “paranoid delusions caused by permanent brain damage from a few too many hallucinogen trips and/or meth benders”:

She also penned this brain-rattling letter/post/internet legal document, where she clearly is pretending to be poor Ma and Pops, and somehow thinks it’ll help her get some disability checks rolling in:

Dear God. I don’t think that’s how that works.

And she doesn’t seem to be a popular addition to any neighborhood cookouts. Probably because she persistently badmouths, harasses, and films her neighbors:

She seems nice.

This video of her getting “triggered” by tinder made my life! 

Well, on the bright side, at least she doesn’t seem to have any children….

Oh. Yeah. Good plan. She definitely is qualified to raise a child conceived with a random internet pervo, and wants one for all the right reasons.

Alyssa, if you’re out there reading this, I am now your biggest fan. I ignored my husband, my laundry, even my regular sleep schedule, just to gawk at the flaming hot dumpster fire that is your life. I don’t think we could ever hang out, because I kinda feel like you might stab me in a paranoid delusional rage, but girl – you are an anomaly. I feel really bad for your parents, your neighbors, even your landscaping, really – and you definitely should be locked up somewhere for the betterment of society. But you are truly in a class of Ratchetry all of your own, and were it up to me, you would be locked away in a beautiful museum exhibit for all the world to marvel at, and not the prison or institution you are undoubtedly headed for. Let your crazy flag fly high, you beautiful psychotic SJW methdumpster. Try not to hurt anyone.

All hail the Guttermonarch.  May she reign long, and continue to live stream the whole thing.

29 Comment(s)
  • Reagan's Ghost
    November 5, 2018 at 7:37 am

    The LEFT is pushing hard for people like her, and for Lefties to vote tomorrow. Please, if you condemn the LEFT’s actions on TB, back up your words and VOTE.

  • Susannah Says
    October 12, 2018 at 11:04 am

    I’m so confused… why is she complaining about evil men but posting provocative videos and pics?? And she needs to get a damn job, osteoarthritis doesn’t just come and go, and as we can all see, she doesn’t appear to be having any mobility issues. As for her posts about being a vegan and animal cruelty, I see that as free speech and would have thought this website of all places would support that, even if people disagree with her message. I personally would not post such material, although I admit I am a vegetarian. I also would like to point out that vegetarians and vegans get a bad rep for being preachy because those who ARE preachy are obviously the loudest. In fact, they are the only ones you’ll know are vegetarian or vegan the majority of the time. These vegetarians and vegans may also be the reason people take a very combative approach to vegetarians and vegans who have done nothing preachy, which is annoying. It’s ironic, but I find that when I am in a situation where I have to disclose my vegetarianism, people find it necessary to then aggressively inform me that my personal dietary choices are wrong – as if we are having an argument, when all I’ve said is that I am vegetarian. So it definitely goes both ways with the preachiness.

  • Bertha Von Nation
    October 6, 2018 at 1:49 pm

    This woman is 100 pecent insane, like severely mentally ill. I have a son with schizophrenia, and I feel her parent’s pain. Like, “Jesus Christ, here we go again.” It is exhausting! You hear this crazy bullshit for so long, you just ignore it, and become numb to it. Thank Goodness “Do very little Patrick” closed down so many beds in mental health facilities, to pay for his fancy curtains, otherwise parents of adult mentally ill people, might actually have some relief for a minute. Oh, and by the way, MA is one of only SIX states that don’t let parents have legal custody of their mentally ill children! I could make my son take his meds, but he’s has “rights” to wander the streets, muttering unintelligently, because he’s an adult! Really?

    • Alyssa Kleinman
      November 4, 2018 at 11:53 pm

      what about my parents, who chronically go directly against medical advice? at least i follow my doctor’s orders with a holistic approach to my health due to my broken neck and reconstructed feet (i wonder how many times you or a loved one has had to re-learn how to walk?) and finally addressing my mental health issues after being misdiagnosed by a family member who is a psychologist (never get diagnosed by a family member! professional help is available at 211.org) so yes, it is a tough life, and i invite you to come and spend a day with my parents and with or without me and you tell me how i am not the passive target in this whole situation, i would love to have it explicitly pointed out what i am doing to cause any conflict here!!

  • Pradeep Sharma
    October 5, 2018 at 7:22 pm

    Hello, pls show bobs and vegene.

  • Ozzy
    October 5, 2018 at 3:30 pm

    Crazy, but that’s how it goes
    Millions of people living as foes
    Maybe. it’s not too late
    To learn how to love, and forget how to hate

    Mental wounds not healing
    Life’s a bitter shame
    I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train
    I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train

  • We Need Better Mental Health Resources
    October 5, 2018 at 12:05 pm

    She’s an adult woman who looks like she’s stuck permanently as a 12 year old, physically and psychologically. It’s actually kind of sad.

  • Holy Crazy Eyes, Batman
    October 5, 2018 at 12:00 pm

    Nice. Another physically “disabled” person who is not fit to work but can withstand the crippling pain of their injuries long enough to shake her ass on a webcam, collecting those sweet, sweet tenners from desperate hornballs.

    Go get a fucking desk job, you lazy skunt.

    She’s definitely mentally ill, though. She needs to get some help.

    You’re 30-something and sponging off your parents. Life is tough; find a way to survive like the rest of us.

    • Alyssa Kleinman
      October 7, 2018 at 3:30 am

      Hi, every time I get a “desk” job I get fired because of my disabilities and end up in years of federal investigations with the EEOC (my neck was broken in an accident, and now I have end stage osteoarthritis, so I can’t always hold my head up, so yeah that can definitely interfere with being able to work a “desk” job, and that is just the tip of the iceburgs of traumas and life threatening incidents… It is very easy for someone to say “get a desk job” but what happens when my neck is locked up and I can’t operate a vehicle? Or even change my shirt? People are so quick to judge without full facts…

      I really need someone to talk to about all this, please inbox me ASAP at Alyssa Kleinman on FB

  • Stunt Penis
    October 5, 2018 at 8:43 am

    I don’t know what is worse. Scrolling through this article, or scrolling through the never-ending list of ads to get to the comments section.

  • Mahatma Gandhi: Hi
    October 5, 2018 at 5:56 am

    That poor dog looks like its saying, “eat me.” Seeing that everyone she knows is from India, maybe it’ll get its wish and an end to the agony of living with a woman raised in a cubby.

  • Dr Ford
    October 5, 2018 at 5:14 am

    This girl was at the party and is my witness.

  • doug jones
    October 5, 2018 at 12:31 am

    Look her up at underboobery on twitter and youtube

  • doug jones
    October 5, 2018 at 12:21 am

    Look her up at underboobery on twitter and youtube. She was selling her boot leg porn thru there for awhile

    • Alyssa Kleinman
      November 4, 2018 at 11:49 pm

      do me a favor and delete this comment, it’s showing up in search results for my real name

  • Gutter Muppet Honey
    October 4, 2018 at 11:15 pm

    GutterMONARCH!! New favorite.

  • (No) chicken or (no) egg?
    October 4, 2018 at 10:59 pm

    Did her vegan diet make her crazy or did she become vegan because she’s crazy? See, this is what happens to you when you don’t eat a balanced diet! 

  • William Jefferson Clinton
    October 4, 2018 at 10:00 pm

    I’d fuck her sane

    • Alyssa Kleinman
      October 19, 2018 at 2:30 pm

      that’s called rape and i’m really sick and tired of men raping me

  • Molly
    October 4, 2018 at 8:42 pm

    This lady is bat shit crazy. I feel so bad for everyone around her, but mostly her parents. They shouldn’t have to put up with this. She is slowly killing them. These videos should be enough proof to section this chick and get her out of their home. Smh.

  • Itsy bitsy
    October 4, 2018 at 6:01 pm

    Like my daughter says to me when she sees a spider : “Just kill itttttt !!!!!”

  • phong
    October 4, 2018 at 5:46 pm

    Instead of chronic pain, they should say she had a few screws knocked loose.

    I’d do her, and make pretend each time I saw her it was the first time we met.

  • Judge dread
    October 4, 2018 at 4:58 pm

    “I want a Viking baby” how about I give you a Viking funeral? We just take your corpse, put it on a boat, set it on fire, and set it sail in the Baltic Sea.

  • Ted Baxter
    October 4, 2018 at 4:21 pm

    She looks and is built like a 12 year old boy. Sad.

  • Maggie the Cat
    October 4, 2018 at 4:14 pm

    Advice to the parents: stop paying your mortgage, property tax, and electric bills. Start moving your stuff out of the house immediately. When there’s no power and the house gets foreclosed on, and the town or city takes the house for property taxes, your monster of a daughter will be forced to leave. Don’t give her your new address. If she claims to be pregnant, don’t believe her. If she finds out where you’ve gone, get a restraining order or move so far away that she can’t afford to follow you. Sometimes tough love really has to be TOUGH LOVE!

    As for this woman, she is seriously mentally ill. It would be difficult to have her committed because she’s an adult, but she’s definitely sick.

    • Alyssa Kleinman
      October 5, 2018 at 5:33 am

      message me on facebook – Alyssa Kleinman

    • Lipstick Hippie
      October 5, 2018 at 6:10 pm

      Mom and dad are probably afraid that if they stand up to her, she’ll shank ’em with a vegetable peeler.

  • Purple Python
    October 4, 2018 at 4:05 pm

    Wow! You spent a whole day watching this girl on your computer and then wrote this ridiculously long blog that everyone is going to scroll down to the comments ……and she’s the one with issues?

    • I'm back
      October 4, 2018 at 5:29 pm

      Like you??????

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