WTF

Bills Babe On Craigslist Looking For Guy She Gave HJ To While Boyfriend Was In Bathroom Is The Most Buffalo Story Ever

A Bills fan on Craigslist is looking for another Bills fan that she gave a handy to while her boyfriend was getting snacks. Will she find him?

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Apparently at the Bills-Colts game this week there was a Buffalo romance explosion in the nose bleed seats, and the girl responsible for it is looking for round 2:

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Holy shit. So THIS is what happens when the Bills finally have a good team? Everyone starts getting HJ’s in the 300’s section. This is what happens when Rex Ryan comes to town after losing four straight Super Bowls, followed by a Music City Miracle, and a 15 year playoff draught. Imagine if they actually make the playoffs? You’re not gonna be able to leave Ralph Wilson stadium without a veneral disease.

So there you have it folks. Proof that if you sit next to a 19 year old girl at a Bills game you should ALWAYS touch her leg. Because there’s a 95% chance this will happen while her boyfriend is pissing in a Buffalo trough. Look, this is probably the least surprising story I’ve ever heard. Sure, there are some blatant inconsistencies in her story, like the fact that she says, “I didn’t see your face because I was looking down the whole time.” And a few sentences later she says, “Besides you had that face paint on your face that was kinda cute.”

But I’m going to make a conscious choice to ignore this logic and believe this happened. Because I have a dream. I have a dream that strange women randomly give three minute handjobs in public. I have a dream that a Buffalo babe will incorporate the words “cream” and “explode” into one sentence on a Craigslist ad. And when we do finally achieve this dream I will stand at the mountain top and yell, “Free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty we are free-balling at last.”

It really is a different world in Orchard Park. There’s no rules or civility. It’s just a non-stop thrill ride of drunken debauchery. Because this is what you do when you drink 15 Labatt’s and your team hasn’t made the playoffs since 1999. Remember last year this happened:

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and the year before that this happened:

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So yes, I 110% believe this is a real thing. And do you understand how many inboxes this girl is gonna get? Only a matter of time until a wooden horse filled with fat Buffalo bastards shows up at her house. I mean, the only two pieces of information that you’ll need to “confirm” that you were on the receiving end of this legendary Buffalo HJ are, 1) the color of face pain you wore, and 2) whether or not you were wearing underwear.

The answer to number is one is simple enough – blue and red. Because those are the Bills colors. Number two is the tricky one. I’m gonna go with no on that one. I mean, it is Buffalo. I assume most dudes in there aren’t wearing underpants. And why else would she ask that question? In a civilized society it is assumed that the stranger you gave a handy to is wearing drawers. So the only reason to even ask that question is if she KNOWS that he was free-ballin it.

I’ll tell you one thing, if you’re a Patriots’ fan in Buffalo for the game this weekend, you definitely should be cashing in on this. Buffalo babes love Patriots fans. It’s a scientific fact. They can smell the aroma of winning all of you the second you walk into the stadium. Unfortunately this Turtleboy will not be there since all of my friends are on the Buffalo’s Most Wanted list. Anyone wanna be my friend?

The biggest loser here of course is the boyfriend. Not only did he get cheated on while he was taking a piss, but tomorrow and every day after that he has to wake up and go to work at the mill in Buffalo.

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11 Comment(s)
  • strata
    September 15, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    110% real? …. C’mon … clearly a fake post.

  • Yes
    September 15, 2015 at 10:14 am

    Got to love when someone from Worcester MA has the audacity to insult another city. Hypocrisy and irony at its finest! I’d rather be from Buffalo, Cleveland, Cinici, Pittsburgh- hell, I’d even rather be from Baltimore or Detroit- than be from Worcester.

    Just how delusional are you Worcestereians? LOLZZZ

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      September 15, 2015 at 12:48 pm

      I see you finally crawled out from under your rock.

      • Yes
        September 17, 2015 at 9:33 am

        I just missed you too much, Wabbit.

  • Nanny
    September 15, 2015 at 8:12 am

    Remember Penthouse Forum? This story belongs in there.

    • Dave
      September 16, 2015 at 2:40 pm

      Omg i was thinking the same thing lol so true

  • BobnMic
    September 15, 2015 at 12:53 am

    Hell I’ll go to the game with you TurtleBoy. We would fucking crack up at all the stupidness with the idiot chicks but of course not partake. I am happily married and I know you are as well. But it would be crazy fun… Fucking Buffalo my goodness…

    Hey if I had to live there I’d be insane as well.

  • oleole
    September 15, 2015 at 12:33 am

    Why is everyone assuming it was a female that wrote that?

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    September 15, 2015 at 12:11 am

    I think I need to skip work and get to Buffalo. Maybe I can get a knobber in the parking lot.

  • squirtleboy
    September 14, 2015 at 10:24 pm

    whores are the best.

  • judyb
    September 14, 2015 at 10:16 pm

    Fast forward to the future…”So Grandma and Grandpa, how did you two first meet?”

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