WTF

Buffalo Bills Will Pay Fans To Shovel Six Feet Of Snow At Ralph Wilson Stadium Because Buffalo

Buffalo snow door

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So apparently the Buffalo Bills are offering to pay fans to shovel the 220,000 pounds of snow that are currently inside Ralph Wilson Stadium. 

CBS: The Buffalo region of eastern New York got hit with one of the worst early snowstorms in recent memory for residents. Up to 6 feet of snow blanketed some parts, and more snow is expected to come piling in Wednesday evening. But the Buffalo Bills have a game to play Sunday in Ralph Wilson Stadium, so they’re pulling out all the stops. The team’s twitter account announced it is offering $10 per hour and game tickets for fans willing to grab a shovel and clear out the stadium.

If area residents are worried they can’t grab their shovel and hop in the truck quick enough to score seats to watch the 5-5 Bills host the 2-8 New York Jets, the team said not to worry.”We can’t have too many people helping,” said Andy Major, vice president of operations. “We won’t be turning anyone away.”

As you know Turtleboy Sports has a bit of a history with the great city of Buffalo. Basically a couple guys who write for us took a trip up there for the New England Patriots game last month. I was not one of them, and I can’t take credit for that article, but like a lot of you I was watching the fireworks from the sidelines. Apparently some geniuses up there didn’t like the blog that was written about the great city on Lake Erie and a witch hunt began. They blamed like three or four people for being Turtleboy before going nuts on one dude in particular. Then the mob started calling people’s work, sending death threats, and having hookers call up other people’s fiancé’s.

Anyway, it caused the site to get shut down for a couple days. I was against it, but the powers that be overruled me. I mean, we can have  a friendly rivalry and all, but calling up someone’s fiancé and telling them that you felated them? That’s pretty low brow shit right there. So what do you get for your sins Buffalo? This:

Buffalo door snow

and this

Buffalo door snow

and this

Buffalo door snow

and this

Buffalo-snow-door

and this

buffalo-snow-01

and this

SnowFridge-350

Alright, that’s actually pretty cool, but you get my point.

So my question is, why do the Bills need to hire people to shovel out their stadium? This is what it looks like now:

Buffalo bills pay fans to shovel snow

This is why Buffalo can’t have nice things. Like winning football teams. Buffalo is like our Stalingrad. It’s the one city the Nazis would never be able to take if they invaded us. So then why do the Bills need to hire local Buffalo boobs to shovel snow for $10 an hour? And how desperate do you have to be to shovel all the God damn snow for $10 an hour? You can’t get a 17 year old to work at McDonald’s for $10 an hour in Massachusetts, but apparently in Buffalo there are just grown men hanging around that don’t mind shoveling this God forsaken white shit.

But, if you’re in charge of running the Bills isn’t snow something that you’re supposed to be used to? Like, maybe you should prepare for it or something. Don’t you pay people to shovel the stadium, or do you always just round up volunteers whenever a storm comes? Figures the people running the stadium maintenance are as unprepared as their pass defense every time Hurricane Brady comes to town.

As a sign of good faith though, I’d like to offer the support of Turtleboy Mafia to the people of Buffalo. On that note I am officially offering our services to shovel your crappy stadium for the prime time matchup for last place in the AFC East with the 2-8 New York Jets on Sunday. My turtle has really strong flippers, so we could have that place cleared out by tomorrow night. If you’d like I can even have my turtle leave a nice steamy dump in Rex Ryan’s locker.

The offer stands. Your call Buffalo.

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6 Comment(s)
  • timbo
    November 20, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    This is why Buffalo can’t have nice things. Like winning football teams. Buffalo is like our Stalingrad. It’s the one city the Nazis would never be able to take if they invaded us. So then why do the Bills need to hire local Buffalo boobs to shovel snow for $10 an hour? And how desperate do you have to be to shovel all the God damn snow for $10 an hour? You can’t get a 17 year old to work at McDonald’s for $10 an hour in Massachusetts, but apparently in Buffalo there are just grown men hanging around that don’t mind shoveling this God forsaken white shit.

    Meet, The Full Monty, or specifically the first song in the musical…Describing some people you know fairly precisely

    Jerry
    What I want? That’s easy asshole –
    I want a job
    I want to feel like a person instead of a slob
    I wanna wake up knowing where I’m gonna go
    Not going nowhere
    Wandering the streets of Buffalo
    ‘Cause it’s a slow town
    When you don’t know where to go

    I’ll be wetting down the razor
    Then I’ll figure
    “What’s the point?”
    So I go into the living room
    Roll another joint. Then lunch. Then a beer
    Then sitting like an ape on the sofa
    With a hankie
    And the same old porno tape

    And that’s a big day when you’re scrap

    Dave
    What I want? I’ll tell you jerky –
    I want a life
    I want to feel like the husband
    Instead of the wife
    I want to get some sleep when I go to bed
    Instead of lying there digging through
    The garbage in my head

    Jerry & Dave
    And it’s a long night when you’re scrap
    It’s a long, long nightwhen you’re scrap

    Malcolm
    I know what I want.
    A place of my own. It could be a room, even. Just so it’s mine.

    Ethan
    I don’t know what i want. Something. Somebody.

    I guess I’m lonely

    Malcolm
    I’m lonely
    I don’t know what to do
    I should get out –

    Ethan
    A bar –

    Ethan & Malcolm
    A party or two

    Malcolm
    I sure could use a friend

    Ethan
    Somebody –

    Ethan & Malcolm
    But there’s that horrifying moment when
    They ask you what you do

    Malcolm
    Hi. I’m Malcolm, a complete loser who still lives at home with his mother.

    Dave
    Hi. I’m Dave Bukatinsky.
    I just defrosted my refrigerator and vacuumed my living room.
    And how was your day?

    Jerry
    Hi, I’m Jerry Lukowski. I’m 32, out of work, divorced, in debt up to my balls.
    I need some serious dental work and
    if I don’t make some money soon they won’t let me see my kid.
    I’m fed up, frustrated, angry and oh yeah –

    Men

    So what I want – that’s easy
    I want to understand
    How I got to be a loser
    And I used to be a man
    And I don’t know where I’m going
    I don’t know why I’m here
    All I know is that the future
    Will include another beer

    And that’s important –

    I just want some veal
    Or a steak on the table
    ‘S that too much to ask?
    I just want something real
    Something right, something stable
    ‘S that too much to ask?

    I just want to feel like
    I know what my label is
    Just tell me what my label is

    Just give me
    Anything but… I’m happy to be
    Anything but…
    I don’t wanna be…
    Scrap

    source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/

  • timbo
    November 20, 2014 at 4:14 pm

    That’s either a lot of snow or the best. damn. party.refreshments.ever.

    Colombia by Niagara Falls rocks this time of year

  • Brian Foll
    November 19, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    I love the Turtleboy articles on Bills fans. We are a very fun, drunk, and obnoxious bunch but god damn do we love our team. Could you imagine how out of control this town would be if we had a Super Bowl team? Christ the National Guard would have to be called in. But unfortunately my team has less fantasy value than Oprah Winfrey in a black satin teddy and worst of all it’s even more depressing when I look out the window but it’s home! Say what you will but any fan willing to shovel for tickets is a real fan in my book. Even worse is I have trouble defending my own fans. Seriously the the Nazis would be easier to defend at Nuremberg. We’re not Philly but we’re certainly not well mannered. Since I’m stuck in 5 feet of snow I’ll just sit back, drink a Labatts and get ready to be entertained with some hillarious comments. Happy holidays gents, I’ll see you guys at Foxbourgh week 17!

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      November 20, 2014 at 1:36 am

      See, thus guy I like.

      Less fantasy value than Oprah Winfrey in a black satin teddy… Now THAT’S funny shit.

    • timbo
      November 20, 2014 at 4:15 pm

      You did have one. Four in fact. But, as usual, Buffalo found a way to be 47 specific kinds of loserville in the end. Paging Mr. Norwood. Mr. Scott….

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