Sports

Butthurt Colts Fan’s Asterisk Project GoFundMe Wants To Raise $10 Million For Patriots Butthurt

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I’ve seen a lot of dumb stuff about Deflategate, and I’ve also seen a lot of dumb GoFundMe’s. But apparently the two have combined to form what is by far the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen anywhere:

Screen Shot 2015-10-21 at 2.15.17 PMScreen Shot 2015-10-21 at 2.19.03 PM

Holy shit, the butthurt has gone this far. I always knew they were dumb, but I didn’t actually think it would actually cost them money. Not only did they fall for all the bullshit. Not only do their loser teams get routinely destroyed by the Patriots year after year. Not only did they come out with ka-ka all over their face when a federal judge said Deflategate was 100% bullshit. None of that was enough humiliation for them. Now they’re actually losing money because of it.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what the butthurt has come to.

Look, this is obviously a huge scam that some Stanley came up with. And I’m not gonna lie, it’s brilliant. We’ve been making fun of butthurt for so long, but we never thought to capitalize off of it. Whoever is running this did. Because obviously this is just a ploy to make a quick buck. They’re asking for $5 million. Ya got that?? Five million freaking dollars!!! Sure, they could’ve kept it reasonable and tried to raise a grand or something, but they decided to go big or go home.

The guy’s name is Jim Purucker. Here’s the story:

HAHHAHAHHAHA. Ladies and gentlemen, this is now the poster child for butthurt:

Screen Shot 2015-10-21 at 2.35.12 PM

If you ignore science, logic, facts, federal law, and universal truths, and your team ALWAYS gets routinely demolished by the Patriots, you too could end up looking like this. The funny part is that this guy is already successful. He’s the executive director of Wine and Spirits Distributors of Indiana. His Facebook page is like a dear diary of Colts butthurt:

Screen Shot 2015-10-21 at 2.41.48 PM Screen Shot 2015-10-21 at 2.42.15 PM

LOL. The fact that his friends actually think this nonsensical rant could get published anywhere except on Bob Kravitz nightstand proves once again that everyone who lives in Indiana is a moron.

Here’s my question – how dumb do you have to be to give to this? I mean, where in that rant did they even say what the money would go towards? Let’s suppose they do raise $10 million – then what? Just write Roger Goodell a check and have him pencil in a bunch of asterisks in the “record book.” Sounds reasonable. Do these numbnuts realize that this is 2015 and there are no more “record books.” Yea, they’ve been replaced by something called “Wikipedia.” You can go an put an asterisk on there yourself if you’d like, and it won’t cost you $10 million.

Anyone with a brain realizes that by giving money to this they are literally pissing it away on nothing. And apparently this Jim Purucker has got the ball rolling with a contribution of $1,500:

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I’m sure Jim Purucker thinks of this as an investment. All the money is going to him anyway, so he donates $1,500 to make this thing look legit and then he watches as butthurt after butthurt lines up to throw their cash at him. Easiest money he’ll ever make.

I wanna reach the point in life where I can piss away $1,500 on something like this and not think twice about it. Sure they could’ve given that money to a legitimate charity that could’ve done some real good for society, but it wouldn’t do anything to alleviate his butthurt. And at the end of the day that’s all this has ever been about – Patriot-induced butthurt. I’ll tell you what a good cause would be – raising money to find a cure for this. Because it appears as if the butthurt is never going to go away. I just couldn’t imagine having to live life like this. Take it for what is it – more proof that God loves us more because we are Patriots fans. Never, ever forget that. You are special. They are not.

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10 Comment(s)
  • TheGuyWhoShoutedYouOut
    October 27, 2015 at 7:34 am

    Can we start A gofundme page to fund therapy for all the Butthurt Colts and Ravens fans that Bill and Tom have ripped the hearts and souls out of for almost two decades?

  • Skeptical
    October 22, 2015 at 10:18 am

    The Ravens?! LOL

    In fact, the Ravens head coach even said he absolutely confirmed beyond a doubt his team experienced and saw no illegal level of PSIs during their game with the Patriots and that as a result it most certainly had no bearing on the outcome of the playoff game against New England.

    http://espn.go.com/nfl/playoffs/2014/story/_/id/12263313/john-harbaugh-baltimore-ravens-says-did-not-tip-indianapolis-colts-new-england-patriots-underinflated-balls

    Jackasses should do research before spouting off uninformed BS.

  • Larry Mondello
    October 22, 2015 at 7:21 am

    The Colts used to be one of the class organizations of the NFL. Jonny U, Lenny Moore, Raymond Berry. Characters like Artie Donovan and Mike “Mad Dog” Curtis who once viciously tackled a fan who tried to run off with the ball. Don Shula, a decent player but a genius coach who could be a bit of a prick. Sound familiar? Now they are the biggest jokes in the league, the Old Balls of the NFL.

  • Dolterator
    October 21, 2015 at 5:56 pm

    Well Mr. Butthurts,
    It appears that the only one affected buy this whole situation besides Dolt Losers is Peyton Manning, he can’t it the broad side of a barn since this went down, what do you think is the reason for that. Hey. Maybe the Colts did not want the Patriots to spoil there secret now that Manning is gone they don’t have to worry about getting caught any longer.

    • WormtownorBust
      October 22, 2015 at 8:16 am

      Luck isn’t looking so good this year either, and played like shit in the AFC championship game last year. Hmmm…

  • Local legend
    October 21, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    I truly believe that that fat fuck Jim should use the money on his triple chin. I actually think that I may start a go fund me to have corrective surgery for that fat fuck chin

  • WormtownorBust
    October 21, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    Colts fans conveniently forget about their team pumping in artificial noise and the ‘Suck for Luck’ season…

  • HoosierHater
    October 21, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    Sorry… please don’t say everyone in Indiana is a moron. I had to move to Indianapolis from MA a little less than a year ago for a work transfer, sorriest day of my life. Yet…I get what you mean. These hoosiers are by far the most butthurt of all football fans. The spouse and I (huge Patriot fans BTW) took our five year old daughter who wanted to wear her Patriots cheerleading outfit to the daytime tailgating downtown thinking it would be pretty fun and it was nice outside so why not… Sadly she was called a “Cheatleader” to her face by a grown man and his disgusting fat slob hoosier buddies then their dipshit wives booed at us. I mean it takes a special type of loser to pick on a friggin five year old girl.

  • Young Townie
    October 21, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    Great idea. I am going to circulate a GoFundMe among the Hippies and the Circlejerk to raise $25 million to shut down Turtleboy. I am going to see if I can get Sarai Rivera to throw some of those $1,000 donors my way.

  • October 21, 2015 at 2:24 pm

    These Dolts fans are literally the biggest joke in sports. The absolutely cry babiest of cry baby fans. For fucks sake, have some dignity and lose like men.

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