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Anthony Salerno was voted Worcester’s top defense attorney by those who choose to ride the turtle with us. He’ll make sure you get due process when the mob is coming after you. But every once in a while we find a new challenge for Tony, and this guy today is a real winner. Here’s what happened:

Tech Times: A man suspected of stealing the cell phone of a woman struck and killed by a train in Boston has turned himself in to police, authorities say. The phone has been recovered, Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority Transit Police said, and the man — Josue Gonzalez of Brockton — will likely be arraigned on a charge of larceny, they said.

At the scene of the fatal accident in downtown Boston Thursday, the woman’s phone “became dislodged upon impact,” landing on the platform of the Downtown Crossing station, transit police said. The man, whose picture was released by the transit police on Twitter, picked up the phone and casually walked away, video released by the MTBA showed.

In the video, the suspect could be seen walking toward the phone, contained in a distinctive orange case, covering it with his foot, then bending down to pick it up.The woman, whose identity has not been released, was seen by witnesses standing on the station platform of the MTBA’s Red Line with a companion and leaning over the cautionary yellow line.The victim waited until the train was “really, really” close and then jumped into its path, said witness Jackline Moeda, who was also waiting on the platform for the incoming southbound train.

Photo courtesy of WBZ-TV

Alright let’s start with what this kid has going against him. First of all he witnessed a traumatic incident in which a woman killed herself by throwing herself in front of a train. So far he’s done nothing wrong.

Then the cell phone somehow lands right next to him. At this point he’s got three options.

• He could go over and see if she’s OK, but obviously she would not be OK since she was hit by a train. So, he’s kind of wasting everyone’s time by doing that.
• He could pick up the cell phone, wait for police to arrive and hand it over to them.
• He could be opportunistic and instinctively realize that the woman was already dead, so why waste a perfectly good cell phone?

Now I’d probably go with the second option. It’s hard to say how you would react to watching something traumatic like that happen, but most people would probably be in shock, and the last thing anyone would be thinking about is, “Hey, free cell phone – SCORE!!!” 

But that’s just me. Is it criminal what he did? He’s being charged with larceny. Larceny is a crime involving the unlawful taking of the personal property of another person. Let’s start by pointing out that this guy clearly has no soul. It takes a special kind of slug rake to watch someone die and immediately think of a way in which you can benefit from it. 

But larceny? That’s a stretch. If I’m Tony Salerno I’m going to argue that it’s not really larceny because the kid didn’t really TAKE the personal property of another person. It fell into his lap. Sure he’s a complete scum bucket, but this is America, and we don’t lock up people for being scum buckets. If we did that then who would run the government?

What makes this kid a special kind of dooshnozzle is the fact that he pretended he gave a shit that this woman just died in front of him. Like, I would almost have more respect for him if he just picked up the phone and ran away. Instead he did this:

Come on bro. Stop pretending like you have a soul. You’re already in the process of stealing the phone by covering it with your foot. It’s bad enough that you’re wearing a scarf and stealing things from dead people. But don’t insult our intelligence by pretending like you’re in shock. You don’t give a shit that this woman just died. You’re not upset. You’re just thinking about that cell phone underneath your foot.

Or, Tony COULD just go to everyone’s favorite conservative blowhard publication, The Blaze, and check out what their readers are saying on Facebook. Some of these geniuses offers some….alternative solutions…

AH-HAH!!! It was REALLY Terrorist #2, clearly framing the defendant. Damn you Jafar!!!

I see where this guy’s going. How can he be blamed for a crime that was clearly the fault of the prophet Mohammed? He’s the REAL criminal here. You can’t convict someone who has been brainwashed by a radical ideology.

Too soon. Wayyyyyyyy too soon.

Good point. Why is everyone focusing on the jagoff who took this woman’s cell phone, when they SHOULD be pointing the finger at the MBTA for not having a fence next to the tracks. Because people who want to kill themselves by throwing themselves in front of a train would NEVER have the guts to jump over a small fence. And I’m sure the elderly and disabled will be thrilled about the newest obstacle in their already difficult lives.

Yea good point. It’s not the defendant’s fault that he did this. He didn’t know any better, because after all, he’s a democrat. How can he be blamed for this? Everyone knows that Republicans NEVER commit crimes, and that include Republican members of congress.

Only democrats.

I never thought of that one. I totally forgot that the State Legislature passed the “Finder’s Keepers” law back in 1911.

Then there’s the bread and butter……

Rule #1 – whenever in doubt, blame Obama. Bonus points if you mention “muslim”, “illegals”, or “socialism.”

That comment is worth like, a billion Fox News points.

And then finally you could go with this gem, my personal favorite….

AH-HAH!!! We’ve found the real culprit now – Charles Darwin. Clearly the public schools are in an ongoing conspiracy with Obama and the Darwinists to teach their students that stealing cell phones from dead people is always the right thing to do. I’m 99% sure that this exact same scenario was posed on the MCAS once, and students had to answer what the appropriate course of action was. Anyone who didn’t say, “Steal the phone because there is no God and my grandfather was a chimpanzee” failed the test.

Personally, I think having your name plastered everywhere and being forever known as the heartless dooshnozzle who takes cell phones from dead people is punishment enough. I’m sorry, but going to jail isn’t necessary here, and it won’t be nearly as effective as public scorn. Plus, he lives in Brockton. Quite frankly, I’d rather be in jail.

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