Hoodrat Heroes

Cookies And Scheme Claims Everett Ice Cream Truck Guy Cranked Out Rocky Loads To Her Jubilee Rolls In Viral Facebook Post



This post from a gravitationally challenged grundlequeen in Everett, accusing a local ice cream truck driver of public masturbation, has nearly 1,000 shares,

Because as you know, if it’s posted on Facebook it must be true. After all, what guy wouldn’t go crank the hog to Moby Thick in broad daylight?

If limp dick had a face. That’s the picture the doctor shows you when you took a Cialis and you’ve had an erection lasting four or more hours.

Then again, maybe the driver was whipping up some rocky loads to her “wife” Jay Savage.

It’s phat.

Guess who Jay’s favorite sportball team is.

Flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat. I rest my case your honor.

Despite the biological realities of how difficult and unlikely it would be for a man to dishonorably discharge himself in an ice cream truck to this:

Many still blindly believed her, and nearly 1,000 people and counting have shared her post, shaming a guy who probably doesn’t make much money and brings joy to children everywhere.

One thing that never ceases to amaze me from blogging at Turtleboy is how you can put ANYTHING on the Internet, and there are no shortage of people who will take your post as fact. They don’t care that people who know him say that he’s a decent, hardworking guy just trying to make ends meet.

Some did notice that her story didn’t add up though. Not only was it unlikely the guy would use this mint chocolate ship as spank bank material, but why wouldn’t she call the cops instead of posting on Facebook? Something didn’t add up. She had a message for the haters.

Of course it’s pride month so she had to pretend that people were picking on her because she’s a lezzy. Victim culture is all the rage these days.

Newsflash – no one cares that your girlfriend’s rock beats your scissors. They don’t like you because you’re a deep fried couch potato making up lies about a guy because he wouldn’t toss you a free whoopie pie.

Personally, I blame Sports Illustrated, Buzzfeed, and every other media entity that’s been trying to convince us that morbid obesity is beautiful. This is what happens:

Being a cholesterosorous is not the same thing as being a different ethnicity. You’re choosing to constantly to be an Internet meme by exclusively posting links about pie.

And maybe don’t get a job working at Wendy’s if you’re the kind of chick who wants to inject Baconater into her veins.

I’m guessing that cookies and scheme here tried to get a free sundae, got denied, and decided to try to ruin a guy’s life instead.


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62 Comment(s)
  • Lipstick Hippie
    June 15, 2019 at 12:31 pm

    Kill or be killed…sounds like the two of them attempting a 69.

  • Aaron Cheeny
    June 12, 2019 at 2:03 pm

    Please stop using Sportball — everything else is great. Sportball tho, gtfo.

    • Well, No Shit
      June 12, 2019 at 2:27 pm

      Aw, come on. “Sportball” is a great way to illustrate how little these two bitches know about the team/sport of which they are proudly displaying the gear.

      There is NO WAY that either of these wombats could name a single player on the Bulls, or describe a full court press, or recognize a 2-3 defense. All they know about the Bulls and/or basketball, is that it’s funky fresh to rock the gear of Ratchetry’s Favorite Team.

  • Total Mayhem
    June 12, 2019 at 7:40 am

    If I weighed around 400 lbs. I wouldn’t be taking selfies all day long.

  • True justice
    June 12, 2019 at 6:45 am

    She was a dog walker? Who’s walking who?

  • Everettistrash
    June 11, 2019 at 9:33 pm

    She’s gone and deleted her profile.

  • Tim
    June 11, 2019 at 9:03 pm

  • Tim
    June 11, 2019 at 9:00 pm

    She must have gotten upset when he told her he was out of King Cones and she would have to settle for a sugar free ice cream sandwich

  • ncfoothillbilly
    June 11, 2019 at 8:33 pm

    Every day bring me closer to becoming a serial killer, whereas these two fatties become bigger cereal killers every day. Fuck…humanity needs to be purged.

  • Louie Anderson
    June 11, 2019 at 6:41 pm

    I couldn’t even get aroused by this article, until I got to the s’mores pie photo

  • Sicktomystomache
    June 11, 2019 at 6:06 pm

    Omg I am not skinny but definitely not fat. I can smell the yeast from my phone!

  • Captain Trips
    June 11, 2019 at 5:48 pm

    If I ever found myself sexually aroused by a half bovine half human such as this creature I would promptly put a slug through my skull.

    Of course, the ice cream guy may have been Ed Markey moonlighting

  • Total Mahem
    June 11, 2019 at 4:16 pm

    If the Russians every develop and launch a cellulite seeking missile she could be in big trouble.

  • Dont knock
    June 11, 2019 at 3:45 pm

    Freaks like this used to stay in the closet and out of sight. Then Barney and Friends and Mommy taught them that “they were special.” That lead to a “celebration of diversity” and an acceleration of freakdom in society. Since nobody goes to the circus anymore freaks are all around us doing their own thing making normal people uncomfortable. I go to Salem once a year to see the freakshow, laugh at them and then go back to my gated nirvana, satisfied that the flotsam of these dregs cant rise on the tide to reach me. Hey Bitch. YOU ARE A FAT, UGLY, FREAK. Sit down and shut the fuck up. You are not a victim, you are not special, you should neither celebrate nor be celebrated. In fact I would throw rocks at you if I saw you at an Ice Cream truck and should be applauded as a lifesaver for not letting you suck up a dozen Dillybars. In the natural world you are an abnormality and will be subsumed quickly in an evolutionary sense.

    • Tod Browning
      June 12, 2019 at 11:15 am

      Gooboo Gabba one of us!
      Gooboo gabba one of us!
      We accept it!
      We accept it!
      One of us!

  • hank
    June 11, 2019 at 3:00 pm

    The poor guy saw these two land whales circling the truck and instantly knew he was in for the fight of his life. What Blubber McGoo thought was naughty, in reality was actually a frantic call to every ice cream truck in the area for backup.

    • Hugh-Bo Mont
      June 11, 2019 at 4:24 pm

      LOL Good one!

      • Tim
        June 11, 2019 at 9:02 pm

        He probably told them that he couldnt sell them the whole truck because it would upset the neighborhood kids if he ran out of ice cream so they took to social media to cause problems

  • TrimSpa Baby
    June 11, 2019 at 2:05 pm

    I don’t buy it. Why not call the cops? The stank from her isn’t the only thing fishy here

    • Y
      June 11, 2019 at 2:10 pm

      • Markey Was An Ice Cream Man
        June 11, 2019 at 6:55 pm

        Atta boy Y
        You always have the gold

    June 11, 2019 at 2:01 pm

    Look again at the picture of her in the mirror. Is that a turtle on the counter??????

  • Poops Magee
    June 11, 2019 at 1:22 pm

    I love a good disembowelment, plunging the knife in and dragging it across until intestines, organs, and other entrails come spilling out. But imagine that with this slut? Would probably take weeks to empty her out.

    • Y
      June 11, 2019 at 1:26 pm


      • Father Time
        June 11, 2019 at 8:26 pm

        Timed out wack pop culture refrences in comments include but are not limited to:

        Clips from comedies originally available on vhs

        Phrases that were a thing 10plus years ago (wazzup, u go girl)

        Topics used as jumping of points in robin williams stand up specials

        Caddyshack(all of it)

        Dialogue from moldy movies ( I could have been a contender)

        MAGA. Get the dust off your funny.

    • Evil Suit
      June 11, 2019 at 1:31 pm

      Do you have any original artwork that you’d like to sell?

  • Y
    June 11, 2019 at 1:06 pm

    Falsely claiming an innocent man is jerking off in front of you just so you can get a lifetime of choco-tacos is fucked-up.
    People like you are the reason why Keanu Reeves does the hand-hover while taking photos w/fans.

    • Keanu is enlightened
      June 11, 2019 at 5:04 pm

      Jesus christ pose equals innocent. Party on dude!

      • Gina
        June 11, 2019 at 5:59 pm

        Omg I would let Keanu touch me everywhere for as long as he wantd and I’d take it to the grave! I aint no rat. Hes sexy af

  • Y
    June 11, 2019 at 12:46 pm

    This heifer definitely hates our POTUS.

    • Y
      June 11, 2019 at 12:49 pm

      Sorry, this was supposed to be posted under Liawatha’s comment.

      • Liawatha
        June 11, 2019 at 3:16 pm

        You sir, are a scoundrel.

        • Y
          June 11, 2019 at 3:23 pm

      • Michael Kustra
        June 11, 2019 at 3:21 pm

        The shit you see when you don’t have a handgernade.

  • Fattyandproud
    June 11, 2019 at 12:37 pm

    Since when has being “Morbidly obese” as you would use become a crime? If you as a “so called blogger” can write false stories about people and how they live their lives and cry “freedom of speech” then why can’t these people be allowed to be “ Morbidly Obese” if they chose too? After all isn’t this why we live in America land of the FREE! I will bet anything that you and your followers do not have perfect bodies either!! It’s a SHAME that you blog about all these peoples imperfections when I’m sure you have quite a few yourself!!! People like you make me ashamed to live in a world that has so much beauty yet you tend to bring out so much hate!!! GET A LIFE TURTLEBOY AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE’S!!! YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!!

    • Y
      June 11, 2019 at 12:41 pm

      You need to pick-up a healthy eating disorder.

    • Well, No Shit
      June 11, 2019 at 12:46 pm

      Morbidly obese people ARE allowed to be so, but society is also allowed to point at them and laugh.

      Enjoy your diabetes, foot amputations, and heart attacks, Broadzilla.

      • Fattyandproud
        June 11, 2019 at 12:54 pm

        SHAME,SHAME,SHAME ON YOU!!! Let’s see a REAL picture of you!!!

        • Well, No Shit
          June 11, 2019 at 12:56 pm

          Ok. Here’s one…

          ……..(‘(…´…´…. ¯~/’…’)
          ……….”…\………. _.·´

          • Fattyandproud
            June 11, 2019 at 1:01 pm

            Oh are we UPSET?

          • Well, No Shit
            June 11, 2019 at 1:26 pm

            Upset? LMAO!

            No. You asked for a picture, so I provided one. Why on Earth would I be upset by words on a blog?

            It seems like YOU may be the one who is upset by the opinions of people. How many times did you write “SHAME” in response to me? That seems like anger, hon.

            Have a Snickers. Oh, wait…

          • Fattyandproud
            June 11, 2019 at 2:55 pm

            Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! YOUR A WINNER! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

        • ncfoothillbilly
          June 11, 2019 at 8:44 pm

          Not everything revolves around you


    • Mr. Taxpayer
      June 11, 2019 at 12:53 pm

      Put down the sandwich and google “cost of obesity per person.” To the extent that the adverse financial impact of your existence affects me I’m entitled to an opinion on this. If that weren’t the case you could mainline a plasma bag full of crisco and I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

    • Let me up, I've had enough
      June 11, 2019 at 1:14 pm


      You CAN be morbidly obese. No one REALLY cares… However, your inability to curb your caloric intake does affect the population (aka us taxpayers) as a whole. We, the public, whether directly or indirectly pay for your health insurance. And because you are unhealthy overall, your care will cost us taxpayers a hell of a lot more than someone who is not morbidly obese.

      So, eat a carrot. Or a Twinkie. I really don’t give a fuck. Just stop bitching about what we think of you and how we judge you.

      • Fattyandproud
        June 11, 2019 at 3:01 pm


      June 11, 2019 at 5:43 pm

      The responses are cruel to be kind. No one likes to witness suicide.

      June 11, 2019 at 8:36 pm

      Hey Fatty! When diabetes comes and takes your left foot can the Taint come to the going away party? Also can i bring a date? Leigha you free?

  • Get back to work!
    June 11, 2019 at 12:36 pm

    It always amazes me got no one ever calls the cops while this is taking place. And no one ever gets good pictures of it. It all adds up to it didn’t happen. And taking a look at her we all know it didn’t happen. She’s looking for a free lifetime supply of ice cream.

  • Liawatha
    June 11, 2019 at 12:36 pm

    Happy Pride Month to the beautiful couple Selena and Jay and thank-you for standing up to the perverted white patriarchy.

  • Well, No Shit
    June 11, 2019 at 12:30 pm

    I will never understand the concept behind embracing being morbidly obese. Obesity due to medical issues are another matter. I’m referring to obesity due to gluttony.

    How can anyone be proud of having no self control; of becoming a burden to their families and society; of being a source of embarrassment to their loved ones? In our current state of “never be ashamed of anything for any reason,” morbidly obese people seem to feel that their bodies should be viewed as beautiful and accepted. Bullshit. It’s fucking nasty, and proves that they are no better than drug addicts, killing themselves with their own terrible life choices.

  • Edward R. Sorrow
    June 11, 2019 at 12:16 pm

    Not just the internet that everyone believes. They believe the New York Times that claims Pelosi slurring her speech and basically talking like she has a stroke is the result of doctoring a video. Such doctoring being a technological marvel of all time if true.

  • JoeMomma
    June 11, 2019 at 12:12 pm

    Seeing her makes me ask one question, has Whale Wars been cancelled?

    June 11, 2019 at 12:06 pm

    The last time I saw something that big it had a harpoon in it.

    • Cap'n Ahab
      June 11, 2019 at 1:56 pm

      Arrr, thats quite a behemoth

  • Ed Markey
    June 11, 2019 at 12:03 pm

    Seems legit to me!

  • Mom’s Basement
    June 11, 2019 at 12:01 pm

    While I don’t believe for a second that the guy was jacking to her it’s very likely that she was rubbing it while thinking about the contents of the truck.

    • Dick Scratcher
      June 11, 2019 at 12:14 pm

      A fudge mountain flicking the jelly bean? 🙂

  • Y
    June 11, 2019 at 11:57 am

    Question, do they have to throw flour over each other’s hatchet wounds to find the wet spot before they bump bagels?

  • Dick Scratcher
    June 11, 2019 at 11:49 am

    Limerick of the day.

    A fat hippo cow called Selena
    Was blessed with a massive vag-eena
    Her girlfriend’s no dish
    And she stinks like old fish
    But she’d rather have that than a wiener.

    Dick Scratcher, aged 51 and a half

  • Haverhill Landlord
    June 11, 2019 at 11:48 am

    You’d think that Chunky Monkey would be the LAST person on Earth to piss off the ice cream truck driver lest he refuse to do business with her in the future.

    CAVEAT: people like her are probably responsible for 80% of his revenue so it’s entirely possible that he (or any other food service worker, for that matter) starts sporting a decent chub when they spot her waddling their way.

  • Bill Clinton
    June 11, 2019 at 11:38 am

    NO ONE… not even the ice cream man would stoop that low. Aside from vegetables and other heart healthy foods, the only thing this porker is spitting out is lies

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