Smiles And Sunshine

Dear Bridget Phetasy: This Numbnuts Keeps Telling People That You Are Me, And I’m Very Sorry.

Dear Bridget Phetasy:

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I hope this blog finds you well. Actually, I really hope that it finds you at all, because you’re a famous media personality and I am a completely irrelevant 30-something year old blogger from Massachusetts, with poor metabolism and no requests for interviews sitting in my inbox. Even with these rather marked and self-evident differences, there has been a rumor circulating around the Brockton Hub that you, in fact, are me. I don’t know how, or why this happened.

 

Despite the fact that we both have vaginas, and enjoy writing words for people to read, I am definitively not you, Bridget Phetasy. I know this, and you know this. I’m not sure why the crazy broad pictured above doesn’t know this. But she’s really selling it.

Anyway, due to this unfortunate, albeit hilarious miscue, I feel I owe you an apology. Several, actually. I would like to start by pointing out that when this was first brought to my attention, I did indeed attempt to correct the situation. However, my efforts fell on deaf ears, and thus were swiftly and sharply rebuked. So I just started to play along.

I couldn’t not. I hope you can understand that.

Now that you are presumed to be me, or I you (however this works), you might find yourself attached to some of my online exploits and misdeeds. You might feel your honor and good reputation have been soiled. I get it, I really do. Please, allow me to apologize, in full detail. It’s the least I can do.

First I’d like to apologize for the obvious physical differences between the two of us – I can completely understand if you are insulted by the insinuation that I am your doppelganger. You are a certified smokeshow with a rockin’ bod. Obviously.

I, on the other hand, look like I mainlined bacon grease for breakfast. I apologize. As much as I truly hate the fupa that crept on me soon after I hit the dirty thirty, I love carbohydrates more. I’d like to say I would be willing to change this now that we are interchangeable online, but that would be a lie. I don’t want to lie to you, Bridget.

I honestly don’t even see the resemblance. I tried to recreate the adorable scowling photo you took that is now being passed off as me,

but unfortunately, when I try it,

I just look awkwardly confused and sort of like I just sniffed a turd. There’s clearly no resemblance here. Don’t take it personally. Bitches be crazy sometimes.

I apologize if you find yourself receiving angry messages from disgruntled ultra-conservative Christians condemning you to eternal damnation, and/or accusing you of being a Satanic witch. You see, I was recently added to a group of 500,000 people called “PrayerWorks”, comprised mainly of West African pastors and Midwestern grandparents who don’t fully understand how the internet works.

As an atheist and enthusiastic internet troll, I could not resist the urge to rile them all up and revel in the reactions. I’m sorry.

 

I hope, more for your sake than my own, that Jesus Christ has been too busy to check Facebook the past few days. If not, and you do end up with your eternal soul burning in Hellfire until the end of days for my offensive memebombs, please know, I am truly remorseful.

I apologize if you find yourself the recipient of upset and angry individuals questioning you on your desire to buy gently used living room furniture from their completely non-couch auction related Facebook live videos. I can’t really get into it per the first and only rule of couch club, and you probably don’t care anyway. But nonetheless, I am truly sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you.

I apologize for any animosity you may now draw from convicted rapist, failed Scituate town Selectman candidate and former NHL player Billy “The Kid” Tibbetts. He was too much of a fahkin’ legend to simply pass by without writing about.

In the same vein, I apologize if “Donnie Does” of Barstool Sports is upset with you for speaking ill of his pet duck.

I have since retracted my derogatory statements regarding the duck, if that helps any.

 

It probably doesn’t.

I apologize if alt-right conspiracy theorist Dianna Ploss accuses you of being a radical feminist sent here by ISIS to enslave all of America under Sharia Law. I couldn’t help but call her out on her bullshit because she is insane, and a black mark against rational conservative Americans. Look her up – you’ll understand why I did it.

Conversely, I apologize for any hatred and vitriol you receive from the far left, particularly the feminists. I have unofficially been dubbed the “enemy of all women”, a title that I have appropriated into a badge of honor of sorts, because third wave feminists are (generally speaking) insane, and I’m just not a huge fan of playing outrage adjective mad libs. Also, I refuse to accept “fart rape” as a thing.

I apologize if New York Post Writer Chris Perez now thinks that you are a racist. I’m sure you are not, and I promise you, neither am I. I just told the truth about Franklin Baxley.

I apologize if any fupasloths, gutterslugs, welfare sludgepumps, career criminals, drug dealers, junkies, or Flat Earthers wish death upon you and your family. Trust me when I say, though, you get used to it pretty quickly.

Lastly, Bridget, I wholeheartedly apologize for the accusations of “hatred, racism, and terrorism”.

 

It figures the same sort of stupid loon who staunchly believes that I am media personality Bridget Phetsay would also throw terrorism allegations up there. Sorry about that. We attract a certain brand of naysayer, i.g.: The crazy kind.

If it offers any solace, and I’m sure it doesn’t, this has taught me a valuable lesson in internet propriety. You just never know when you’ll wake up and find that a well known and well liked comedienne, writer and former Playboy sex columnist will have suddenly assumed your online identity through erroneous public assertion. And then, just like that, you’re forced to reckon with your own actions and how they could potentially affect another human being’s reputation. And you, Bridget….well, you’re a much better human being than I.

 

With much better hair, too.

 

 

 

 

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38 Comment(s)
  • Kelly
    June 19, 2019 at 7:51 am

    “I, on the other hand, look like I mainlined bacon grease for breakfast.”

    LOL! I may not always agree with TBS perspectives but I always appreciate the intelligent and clever writing.

  • marilu
    June 17, 2019 at 11:05 am

    wow not at all what I expected.. you make yourself sound gross but you’re pretty !!

  • Judge dread
    June 16, 2019 at 7:51 pm

    Bristol she it not a poke hole cum slut. You are far superior and have the rider’s support. 110%

  • MrSmiley
    June 16, 2019 at 8:41 am

    #iheartbristol

  • Dick Trickle
    June 15, 2019 at 3:49 pm

    I think me, Bristol TC and Bridgette should have a threesome. Afterwards, I will write about In a blog that nobody wants to read.

  • Shit
    June 15, 2019 at 12:15 am

    When I heard Bristols voice i always assumed she was this fit hot blonder firespit of a woman. Wrong. Bristol Turtle Carb. Bristol Turtle Chick-Fil-A. Bristol Turtle Chunk. Bristol Tubby Chick. Bristol Carbo Chick. Brisket Truffle Chips.

    • Shit
      June 15, 2019 at 9:02 am

      Well, second part didnt post…plot twist, I mayself am heavy and like these chicks thicker than a snicker. So Brisket Truffle Chips, you belong on my plate hunny bun.

  • Let me up, I've had enough
    June 14, 2019 at 1:15 pm

    @ Bristol TC –

    Damn girl. You’re fine AF. (Constipation face and all)

  • Joe Biden
    June 14, 2019 at 10:01 am

    I want to smell Bristol’s hair…….Mmmmm.

  • Cropduster
    June 14, 2019 at 9:12 am

    Confession of a proud fart raper:
    There is nothing better than ripping a good colonic gas cloud in a crowd. It works even better to ask everyone if they smell freshly baked cookies as to make them inhale even deeper my fine shit particulates into their olfactory warehouse. I will never be stopped.

    • Hugh-Bo Mont
      June 14, 2019 at 12:16 pm

      LOL

  • Fan Girl
    June 14, 2019 at 8:24 am

    Hi Bristol!
    As a Conservative Christian woman (also in her thirties), I just wanted you to know that I enjoy reading your articles. Some of us have a sense of humor, and you do have a fan base even within those of us in the Jesus-freak crowd.

  • AspiringBabyDaddy
    June 14, 2019 at 8:12 am

    Dear(est) Bristol,
    This is perhaps the most perfectly assembled blog I have ever laid eyes on. Will you put a baby inside me? Yes, you read that correctly. Although I am a man, and you a woman, it IS 2019. Let’s face it, genders/gender roles are malleable at best right now.
    You don’t even have to stick around for any parental responsibilities; I release you from all of that. What I want is to raise a child that has your DNA, wit, intelligence, and conviction (admittedly that last one may be due more to environmental factors than biology, so I will do my best to instill said stubbornness in the child. “You will NOT drink this milk, it was made by Monsanto!”).
    Please consider my offer. There is really nothing in it for you other than making the world a better place, but isn’t that the goal here?
    Love always,

    Aspiring baby daddy

  • Liawatha
    June 14, 2019 at 7:59 am

    I must admit Bristol is a cutie but her right-wing rhetoric must be silenced.

  • True justice
    June 14, 2019 at 7:33 am

    Love reading your blogs and you are absolutely beautiful. Keep being you

  • Mom’s Basement
    June 14, 2019 at 7:27 am

    The only way to settle this is to see you both in the same place at the same time. In your bathing suits. With an inflated kiddie pool and a whole lotta jello.

  • Dad
    June 14, 2019 at 6:40 am

    At first glance I thought they were the same girl, one pic with makeup one without. Dark smoky come hither eyes, small pouty lips that whisper kiss me…

  • Never Thought TBS could be SEXY... Sexy time high five! Whole new reason to read TBS
    June 14, 2019 at 5:57 am

    Bristol Fan…

    I’d like to spend the entire weekend inside you Bristol and I believe I speak for the other men on TBS in saying that.

    From the looks of your unbuttoned blouse you have great tits. Great tits, cute face, clever wit, trolling peeps on the internet… excuse me while I go prepare me jerkins… splooge… splooge… splat… splash… “fuck yeah Bristol I’ll try not to make your head pop off when my load fires in your love canal”

    My balls are full and it’s all for you Bristol. Start your own page I’ll sign up, do you have a pornhub account or cam girl account… you’d make some real money just off me…. making it rain up money in here!!! Time to get our freak on.

    chic a chica bow wow…. sexy time high five.. what girls can resist the romance!

  • Dick Scratcher
    June 14, 2019 at 5:46 am

    I’m Brian and so’s my wife!!

  • Realestatepup
    June 13, 2019 at 11:54 pm

    I would totally dip in your lady pond I love reds. Keep rockin you. Fuck em all

  • Brian Mason
    June 13, 2019 at 9:30 pm

    You look better than Bridget, Bristol. Don’t sell yourself short. Keep fighting the good fight girl.

  • Buster Walls
    June 13, 2019 at 8:35 pm

    Damn Bristol you fine! I’d step up to the batters box with you and your doppelgänger to be fart raped.

  • Bill Clinton
    June 13, 2019 at 8:24 pm

    This volatile situation requires deft diplomacy from someone like an ex-president. I would like to bring Bristol and Bridget together for a three-way call for a few hours in my office and I am sure we will all leave with big happy smiles on our faces.

  • Meee
    June 13, 2019 at 7:23 pm

    Smokeshow…? Um….

    • Captain Trips
      June 13, 2019 at 8:27 pm

      Smokeshow – NOT

  • ElJefe72
    June 13, 2019 at 6:25 pm

    Damn Bristol TC, you’re selling yourself short. Yowzers!

  • Hartford
    June 13, 2019 at 6:21 pm

    No I’m turtlechick.
    Wasn’t this a game show in the Stone Age?

    • Bud Collyer
      June 13, 2019 at 11:00 pm

      Bless you for remembering me!

  • Law
    June 13, 2019 at 6:07 pm

    What the hell is a rape fart?? It really cannot be a thing!

    • Y
      June 13, 2019 at 7:50 pm

      I assume a Dutch Oven

      • The Real Finn
        June 13, 2019 at 9:04 pm

        A dutch Oven is where you line up your significant other under the sheets. While they are still sleeping or unsuspecting, you let a half a dozen or so sniffy biffy rips go, but you keep them all settle down under the “bankie.” Then, when you spousal arousal isn’t ready for it, you maneuver the sheets for them to take in the brunt of the flue from your “dutch oven.” It’s really academic in the world of Bjs, Doggie Style, and farts. Irish mick chicks fucking love Dutch ovens, don’t know why. Have had 3 different mick gf’s who lived by them. Of course, all three of them were blackout, shit themselves, drunks right off the Maris Freighter docks out of Westport from Dublin. I had an Italian one-nighter from Brockton who had a thing for 69ing in a Dutch Oven. Tried to once. I gave it the college try but drew mud on my return volley and Isabella puked all over me. The D-Oven is for some, not all.

        • That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow
          June 14, 2019 at 4:20 pm

          AHAHAHAHAHAHA! ya made me spill me rum aaaaaargh!

    • Ersatz Trigglypuff
      June 13, 2019 at 11:06 pm

      Fart Rape is deliberately passing gas in the vicinity of a third wave feminist, especially of the Hampshire College persuasion. Don’t you dare!

  • Y
    June 13, 2019 at 6:07 pm

    Bristol must be a Crowder fan. Her apology is similar in style, and I love it!

  • Sandra Dee
    June 13, 2019 at 5:34 pm

    No I’m Turtlechick

  • That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow
    June 13, 2019 at 5:29 pm

    aaaaargh! Bristol,would you accept an invitation to parlay aboard the”PEARL” and work on thee meatbolism?

    • That's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow
      June 13, 2019 at 5:30 pm

      hard to type with a hook…that’s metabolism aaaaargh!

  • Klancy.
    June 13, 2019 at 5:20 pm

    Screw that! I’m TurtleChick.

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