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In an email to the Denver Post, Broncos receiver Wes Welker has denied that his four-game suspension after testing positive for amphetamines was due to consuming adulterated MDMA at the Kentucky Derby, a story reported by Pro Football Talk.

“I wouldn’t have any idea where to get a Molly or what a Molly is,” Welker he said. “That’s a joke. I don’t do marijuana, I don’t do drugs. I don’t do any drugs.”

Welker’s alternate theory for how PED-class amphetamines showed up on his drug test? He’s not sure, but he wonders if somebody slipped something into his drink.

Someone slipped a roofy in Welker’s drink. Ya got that? In the words of my boy Larry:

Isn’t the NFL a beautiful league? If you pop Molly you get a four game suspension. If you pop a girl named Molly you get a two game suspension. Makes sense.

Hey Wes, look at the bright side. Even if you did drop Molly, this is still only the second biggest drop of your career. Thanks for blowing the Super Bowl, ya JACKASS!!!

Well it’s official, Wes Welker’s brain is completely made of mush at this point. I loved him when he was here and I was beyond pissed when they sent him packing. Turns out the guy is a legitimate psychopath. Hate to say it, but his brain is eventually gonna be studied for science. There might not be football in 50 years solely because of Wes Welker and this series of incidents. He is literally a case study in the extreme dangers of playing football for a living.

First of all, let’s start with the obvious. Welker is lying his face off. “I don’t do marijuana.” Bitch, you play in Denver, where weed is LEGAL. Even if you don’t smoke weed  you at least know the phraseology. You sound like Mr. Hand. No one says “do marijuana” unless they’re on that video I had to watch in ninth grade health class. Jesus H. Christ, you make Bill Cosby seem young when he’s talking about the rap music.

Look, I get what Welker’s going for here. He’s trying to be the confused grandpa that’s not hip to the latest terminology that the kids are using these days. But hey, when you learn from the best you never forget the tricks of the trade…

Secondly, you’re rich as shit Wes. No one with a functional brain actually believes you can’t get any drug you want whenever the hell you wanna get it.

Thirdly, everyone and their mother has seen the now infamous picture of you handing out hundred dollar bills at the KY Derby to every dingbat that walked by:

Do you even understand how much sense this picture makes now Wes? The only thing you’re missing are strobe lights and a DJ with a Macbook Pro.

The biggest LOL though, is the “someone put it in my drink at the Kentucky Derby” routine he’s got going on right now. Newsflash Wes – you are not a hot junior smokeshow from a Lifetime movie. No one roofies a grown ass man. And are we honestly to believe that someone in the luxury suites at one of them most expensive sporting events decided to slip you a Roofy-colatta just for the fuck of it?

I’m not buying it and you shouldn’t be selling it. I mean, what on earth could possibly be someone’s motivation for doing that? Is your sketchy friend in the white trying to make it to second base with you? Actually, that wouldn’t surprise me at all. That guy looks like every bad guy on every Lifetime movie ever. I can totally picture him saying that the way Welker was dressed he was pretty much asking to get Mollied. Then Chuck Norris would show up to kick his ass!!

The bottom line is that Welker is your ultimate football player, jock, meathead. He is the grownup version of all of my friends from high school. He’s the guy that will do a keg stand, bash his head with a stick, jump in the Res buck naked, moon the cops, or do the Titanic pose in the showers of the boy’s locker room, JUST BECAUSE someone said they should do it. Because that’s what meatheads do. They do shit you’re not supposed to do, just for the fuck of doing it.

So obviously taking Molly is right up his alley. One of his goon friends at the Kentucky Derby came up to him, said “Hey Wes, you should take this Molly.” As a meathead Welker was then obligated to do it and wash it down with a shotgunned Keystone Light. Either that or Bill Belichick is even more of a genius than we give him credit for…

Here’s my last question. When did this start getting called Molly? Because back in my day we called it ecstasy. And everyone knew it was strictly for the Asian kids. White kids didn’t do the club scene so we had no use for it. Plus, it just felt a lot safer pounding warm Rolling Rock in the middle of the woods and then trying to make it with some sophomore from the field hockey team. Has ecstasy just been renamed “Molly” so that puss bag white kids like me would be more likely to try it? If so, then well done Mr. sketchy 20-year old dude from Tiger Society with blonde highlights in the South High parking lot. Well done indeed.

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In an email to the Denver Post, Broncos receiver Wes Welker has denied that his four-game suspension after testing positive for amphetamines was due to consuming adulterated MDMA at the Kentucky Derby, a story reported by Pro Football Talk.

“I wouldn’t have any idea where to get a Molly or what a Molly is,” Welker he said. “That’s a joke. I don’t do marijuana, I don’t do drugs. I don’t do any drugs.”

Welker’s alternate theory for how PED-class amphetamines showed up on his drug test? He’s not sure, but he wonders if somebody slipped something into his drink.