All-Star Criminals

Douchecaboose Career Criminal Ended His Felony Field Trip At New Englands Saddest Adult Disney World: Mohegan

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Police finally caught up to Alfred Craven yesterday after an 11 day crime spree that included smashing a dude in the face with a 2×4, robbing a bank, sending an elementary school into lockdown and stealing a car. Did he hop a plane and flee the country? Nope. Opt to cruise that hot-wired hooptie straight down to Mexico? Nah. Alfred drove to Mohegan Sun because it’s basically considered a royal palace in the eyes of white trash bottom-feeders from Taunton.

I mean, need I say more?

You would think that given Alfred’s impeccable track record of committing felonies for the last 20+ years he would be better at not getting caught. Then again, if his brain is anything like the gnarly mop of hair on top of his head it’s probably beat to hell and dried up like a raisin by now. Sometimes you just can’t resist the allure of rippin’ butts alongside a bunch of sad and/or drunk people while cranking slot machines and regretting your life choices. To each their own.

Alfred got his start wayyyy back in 1983 when he was caught trafficking over 1,000 pounds of weed from Rhode Island into Massachusetts. Then in the 1997 he was arrested again for being the ring-leader of a 21 person operation that smuggled over 1,000 kilos of weed and laundered millions of dollars between California and Massachusetts.

He even got his little brother in on the deal because he’s a family man, naturally. After serving 12 years for that he ventured back to California and robbed three different banks in 2009 (while using a bicycle as his get-away transportation, no less.)

As of late Alfred’s been living in Readsboro, Vermont. On September 4th he got into an argument with a 53 year old man and bashed him in the face with a 2×4 causing a “skull fracture, broken jaw and multiple facial fractures.”

You think Alfred was going to stick around for the fuzz to find him? Nope. He high-tailed his ass down to Mansfield, stole a truck on route 44, robbed the North Eastern Savings Bank and took off. He even managed to scare a ton of little kids who had to shelter in place during a school assembly when the robbery went down. Bravo, shitpump.

Also, way to be a lazy, halfassed bank robber. The guy didn’t even try to disguise himself and used a note to score money from the teller. Slob.

Good ol’ Al figured he’d shoot over to Mohegan and have one last hoorah at the Taj Mahal of broken dreams before heading back to jail. I can only hope that some cranky old broad who reeked of moth balls and Ben-Gay beat him at every round of bingo and flicked ashes in his watered down., complimentary drinks.

People like Alfred shouldn’t be wandering around with the rest of society pretending to be anything other than a sourdough, smurf-twat weirdo who scrapes by in life by stealing and being an all-around dirtball. The guy spent over a decade in jail and didn’t bat an eyelash at the opportunity to jump right back into the game.

Oh, and don’t forget attempted murder.

Later, fuckbag.




3 Comment(s)
  • Don
    September 27, 2017 at 11:51 pm

    Awww. I like Mohegan Sun. Now I feel bad about my life decisions 🙁

  • Mark Suckerburg
    September 23, 2017 at 7:08 pm

    Cmon? No free my boi?
    Guess all his friends are in lockup instead of Facebook.

    • Wabbitt
      September 24, 2017 at 4:31 am

      He’s too old and too white to have anyone trying to free their boi for him.

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