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Apparently there is some show called the AMA’s, becuase in America we just simply don’t have enough awards shows for celebrities. I watched it for about five minutes tonight before I wanted to kill myself. Taylor Swift got up there and gave some speech about why buying albums is still important, and then everyone clapped and cheered because Taylor Swift fans are brainless morons.

Then Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nikki Minaj performed this song I can’t get enough of. I have no idea what it’s called but whenever I hear it the music just takes over my body. I don’t care Jessie Jane just does it for me.

Anyway, when they were performing this song they went around the crowd and awkwardly tried to get them into it. The whole place was filled to the brim with idiots, but two dudes in particular stood out to me. Basically one was an example of what to do if you’re on national television, and the other was a clinic on what NOT to do.

First up was the company man in the suit:

Next time Mrs. Turtleboy tells me I can’t dance I’m gonna show her the video of this guy. Seriously though, this is a music awards show brosheim. It’s supposed to be about rebelling against the man. You look you’re on your way home from selling mutual funds.

But the real winner tonight was this fat bastard who was rocking out to Jesse J like you read about:

I know what this guy’s going through. When I hear Jessie J singing “Bang, Bang” I sometimes can’t control myself either. God bless this man:

Try to find a guy who parties harder than this man in the cardigan sweater. You can’t do it. I love everything about him. He scored front row tickets to the AMA’s, raided his grandfather’s closet, and left it all out there. The man is a God damn American hero, and it’s safe to say that he won the AMA’s tonight.

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