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Masslive: A day after University of Massachusetts sophomore Derrick Gordon revealed to the public that he is gay, the Westboro Baptist Church tweeted Thursday(and in Spanish, too) that it will travel to Amherst to demonstrate and picket at the university.

Date, time and other logistical information is not yet available (the church maintains a running list of upcoming pickets here).

Dear Westboro Baptist Church,

I know it’s like your thing to be hateful dooshnozzles, but I would highly recommend not coming to UMass to protest Derrick Gordon’s homosexuality. Look, I know what you guys are all about. You just want attention. Fair enough. But at UMass, the last thing you wanna do is unleash the beast. You’re 100% dependent on police protection. Obviously you would all be dead by now if you didn’t have them there.

But you are literally about to protest homosexuality in the part of the country with the highest tolerance for homosexuality. UMass is like the most liberal place in the world. And the wrath of liberals is freaking scary. It would be like protesting socialism in Cambridge.

Look WBC, there’s only one group of people allowed to hold signs about hating American in Amherst, and that’s the faculty at UMass. In my four years there I was brainwashed into thinking America was this terrible place and we were all gonna burn in hell because of it. Then I graduated and moved back to the real world, and found out that America does in fact kick ass. So yea, when you get to Amherst for your protest, expect to see this woman named Gish Jen and a bunch of hippy professors already holding signs saying “There is no God, but if there was, he would hate America for being a transphobic, misogynistic nation. Forsooth.”

UMass is basically comprised of three types of people – 1) Ultra radical social “activists”,  2) Girls who wanna make out with each other for attention, and 3) Bros. All three of them will frighten you. The girls kissing will give you nightmares. The radicals will yell at you and call you intolerant. But the bros – those are the ones you have to watch out for. Because the bros give zero fucks about getting arrested.

Perhaps you’ve heard of the Blarney Blowout? Yea, like a million people were arrested that day. Because when you put liquor in these people, they basically turn into wild savages. Like, they literally start throwing bottles at each other for no reason:

For you though, there will be plenty of reasons. The police might be able to protect you from getting bum rushed, but there’s just no way you people make it out of there without being nailed by a bottle thrown by a meathead in a tank top and fluorescent sun glasses.

Look, you people couldn’t last in Oklahoma:

If there was one place in America I thought would be cool with you guys, I would bet that place would be Oklahoma. So if you couldn’t make it in a place where Charles Darwin is referred to as a war criminal, you have zero chance at UMass. None.

Look, I hear a lot of people say that we shouldn’t give these people attention because that’s just what they want. Although this is true, you’re not being realistic if you say that. Obviously these idiots are gonna get attention. Obviously. When Margee put up her “Ten Things I Hate About Worcester” video, it caused a crazy backlash. And that’s just Worcester. If you do this at UMass it’s gonna be a million times bigger. So no, ignoring them is simply not a realistic option.

Instead, I suggest people get a little wittier about it. Come up with funny signs. Here’s some of my favorites…

First of all, they’re not gonna come. They just like to get us talking about them, which they’re obviously good at. But the odds of them actually coming to Amherst are small. They have much bigger fish to fry, and no one died here. They usually only go somewhere when someone died. Plus, I hate driving to Amherst and I live only 45 miles away. Because getting to Amherst sucks equally for everyone. You think the Phelps family is gonna drive here all the way from Kansas? The trip to Springfield would be half the battle. Then they’d get stuck behind some idiot on a tractor in South Hadley and they’d miss their own protest.

But if they do come, my idea is simple: infiltrate. Someone’s gotta step up to the plate and go CIA on them. Go down to Kinkos, make a bunch of hateful signs in loud colors (if they haven’t already run out of ink), and stand next to them. Then, after they’ve come to accept you as one of them, run up behind them when they’re not looking, grab their pelvis, and start air thrusting. Boom. Roasted.

They’d lose all legitimacy when those picture go viral and it would lead to civil war within the ranks of the WBC.

Now obviously these people are idiots, but after reading some of the comments on Masslive, I really can’t believe how many idiots we have so close to home:

Yea dude, MLK and Abraham Lincoln were EXACTLY like the Westboro Baptist Church. Spot on.

Don’t know where to start with this post. How about the fact that he thinks his name is Eric Gordon? Or that his first word is really supposed to be three different words? And please, tell me more about this law that makes it illegal to not say you support gays.

There’s also no “I” in Sampson Carter, Trey Davis, or Cady Lalanne. But it’s not their fault right? Because they love chicks.

Wait a minute…people actually still use the Bible in arguments? I love when people throw out the Bible as some sort of definitive proof. Look, I’m a Christian boy. But under no circumstances would I ever try to win an argument by pointing out something that Leviticus wrote. Look, the whole idea of faith is, that it’s faith. You believe in it, even though there’s no proof it happened. That’s what faith is. With all due respect to Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, we don’t even know their last names. Imagine writing a research paper and using Matthew 7:22-23 as a citation? Does that qualify under MLA format?

So yea, you can come to Amherst if you want WBC. I just would highly, highly recommend you find some other nice person’s funeral to picket. There’s just no way the Westboro Baptist Church will even exist anymore if you come to UMass.

Feel free to share your thoughts to keep the conversation going.

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