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I LIVE for UMass basketball, but I’ve never really gotten into UMass football. There’s a lot of reasons why I suppose. I was born and raised on Notre Dame football.

In my four years at the zoo I think I went to two games, tops. They used to play at like 12:00 PM on Saturday’s which is INSANELY early when you’re out all night trying to fingerbang Mary J. Rottencrotch. Yea sorry, I’m not waking up to go watch UMass play AIC when I could sleep until 1:00 and watch real football all day on the futon. I remember hearing the band march through Southwest and I was just happy I didn’t have a rifle, because I would’ve sniped every single asshole with a sousaphone from my corner room in the 15th floor of Coolidge.

Oh yea, and there was no tailgating scene when I was there. What the fuck were students supposed to do? Hang out in their dorms and walk down to a shitbag, empty stadium to watch them play Assumption College? All set.

But tomorrow that will change. Because tomorrow they are playing Boston College at Gillette Stadium, and any chance I have to watch UMass beat Boston College in anything is something I can’t miss. I don’t care if they’re playing badminton or having a spelling bee. I despise all things Boston College. If you go to BC there is a 90% chance you will grow up to be extremely unlikeable. These boobs grow up to be station programmers on the radio and on TV. They’ve tried to use their BC-run media for purposes of propaganda to try to convince me since I was a kid that BC is our state’s favorite team. It’s not. There is only one school that represents the people of the Bay State – UMass. BC represents carpetbaggers and lucky sperm of CEO’s from New York.

I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know the first thing about UMass’ football team. Do they still have RJ Cobb? What about Jason Peebler? I know that in the two years since they moved up to D1 they’ve been suckbag city. But they also have gone through a couple coaches who have brought down the D1AA powerhouse that Mark Whipple built.

Well Whipple is back. And for the first time I’m genuinely fired up for a UMass football game. Why? Well largely because some UMass hooligan did this to the Doug Flutie statue at BC:

Take THAT fuck bois!!!! Win or lose UMass has already established itself now as a fan base that will hit you below the belt. I’d say we have Buffalo-like potential.

Anyway, they’re between 14.5 and 17 point underdogs, which is actually not THAT much in college football. Will they do the unthinkable? I know shit about either team so I have no fucking clue. All I know is that this is a great excuse to get drunk and tailgate at Gillette Stadium while taunting BC dooshnozzles all day. And if they win this game, I’m officially a UMass football fan. Yea, I know it’s complete bandwagon bullshit. But you need bandwagon fans to be a legit program. This isn’t some indy fucking rock group or an obscure movie that no one’s ever heard of. If you wanna be big time, you need the bandwagoners and pink hats like me. Welcome to the mother fucking show!!!

Go U!!!

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