Sports

Jingo Jonny Gomes Should Be Punched In The Face For Making the Royals World Series All About Him

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I hate Jonny Gomes with every ounce of my being. The day the Red Sox traded that useless slug rake out of here was a great day for Boston sports. He SUCKS!!! He’s always sucked his entire career. But he’s still in MLB because he’s a “good clubhouse guy.” Whatever that means. Basically Jingo Jonny acts like the loyal bad ass who would run through a wall for you and loves the fans so that people overlook the fact that he’s a career .230 hitter who strikes out at an insane right.

What I find most offensive about this jagoff was the 2013 season and how he made the Boston Marathon bombing all about him. Here is this backup outfielder who has been with the team for all of two weeks, and suddenly he became Mr. Boston Strong. He even got a tattoo for it. When they had the parade for the World Series that year it was Jonny Gomes who took the trophy and placed it at the finish line:

BOSTON, MA - NOVEMBER 02: Jonny Gomes #5 and Jarrod Saltalamacchia #39 of the Boston Red Sox lay the World Series trophy and the 'Boston Strong 617' jerseys onto the finish line of the Boston Marathon on Boylston Street during the World Series victory parade on November 2, 2013 in Boston, Massachusetts. (Photo by Jared Wickerham/Getty Images)

That was my problem with the whole “Boston Strong” thing. It became a rallying cry for morons who wanted attention. They were capitalizing off of a tragedy. Because apparently if Seattle or Milwaukee was bombed then they’d all stay in their homes and never come out again. Because they’re not BOSTON STRONG like Jingo Jonny Gomes.

He did this because he’s a narcissist and an attention whore, and SO MANY morons fell for it. Grown men from the “Murica” crowd, who are still entertained by WWE ate up Jingo Jonny’s hot sauce like it was going off the market. So I can’t blame him for doing what he does, because morons buy into it.

Well as you may know, the Kansas City Royals just won the World Series, and Jingo Jonny’s role for the team was to make sure the bench didn’t fly away. He had a grand total of ZERO at bats in the postseason, but still found a way to make it all about him. Because that’s what he does. Just watch this idiot:

 

Oh sweet Jesus. Make it stop. “We?” What the hell is he talking about “we?” The groundscrew at Kauffman Stadium had more to do with the Royals winning the series than this yahoo.

Then of course he ended it with this:

Y’all wanna be politically correct? I’m an unpolitically correct person. WE WHOOPED THEIR ASS!

Oh man, he’s SOO EDGY!!! He’s not supposed to say  “ass” on TV. Man, he breaks ALL the rules!!!

The thing about Jingo Jonny is that no one gave him the mike. He just anoints himself the MC because he assumes everyone wants to hear the guy who made the gatorade talk about the team. I had a Gomes supporter tell me the other day that not only was he a great clubhouse guy, he’s also a great postseason hitter. Let’s check out his postseason stats:

Screen Shot 2015-11-04 at 11.38.53 AM

So he’s had 49 at bats, 42 of which came while playing on the Red Sox in 2013. He’s hitting .143, and he’s struck out 15 times. He’s made the playoffs twice with Oakland, and both times they elected not to give him a single at bat. Because he’s just that God-awful. Don’t worry though, he loves America and he’s Boston Strong, so none of that matters.

Here’s my question – if he’s such a great clubhouse guy, then how come he can’t find a team and stick with it?

Screen Shot 2015-11-04 at 11.39.29 AM

That’s 7 teams in 8 years. Solid clubhouse guy right there.

Remember, this is the guy who had ONE hit that everyone remembers – the home run against the Tigers. And he milked the shit out of that. After that game he went up to Fox reporter Ken Rosenthal and specifically gave him a question to ask him so he could slam it on home!!! The problem was that Rosenthal started off his question with, “Jonny, you just told me to ask you this question” which made Jingo Jonny look like a complete toolbag. The question was about the W.A.R. stat, which like most of Jonny’s stats, was pretty shitty. His response was epic dooshnozzelry:

“There’s a lot of sabermetrics, there’s a lot of numbers and stuff. The whole WAR stat. But when you go to playoffs, you want me to go to war with.” 

Yea man, all you guys with your fancy numbers…and STUFF (I stay “stuff” because I’m just a regular blue collar guy with a limited vocabulary who can’t come up with another word – Murika!)….I don’t have time for that because I’m too busy being the most badass teammate ever. Anyone looks at anyone on my team wrong, I’m kicking their ass!! No questions asked. Seriously though, what kind of narcissist sets themselves up for a question like that? Full. Of. Shit.

This is a man who told Vince Scully that he wrestled a wolf when he was five years old. This is a guy who envisions imaginary situations in a grocery store where a guy yells and points at him for no reason, so logically he is left with no choice but to kick the guys ass, rather than get security:

But the worst thing he’s ever done was in a game against the Rays in June of 2014. The Rays were up 8-3 and had Yunel Escobar on second base with two outs in the 7th inning. He stole third base uncontested, because evidently A.J. Pierzynski gave no fucks that day, and the Red Sox had given up on the game. However, this violated Jonny Gomes’ unwritten rules of baseball handbook, and after Escobar got into a pissing match with backup catcher David Ross, Gomes rushed in from left field to be captain bad ass once again.


Jingo Jonny is a big, tough guy. But you’re not allowed to keep trying to score if you’re up by 5 runs, because he’s a grown man who doesn’t tolerate bullying. We lost that game by the way, but the WWE fans were psyched that Jingo Jonny had stood up for his teammates!!!

Screen Shot 2015-11-04 at 12.22.39 PM

I implore my friends out there who still like this guy – stop enabling him. Stop sharing his stupid “look at me, Murika” speeches on Facebook. He will eventually go away, but we need do our part.

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Click on the image to get your Turtleboy Sports Revolution hoodie or browse other merchandise from the Turtleboy store.

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6 Comment(s)
  • Larry Mondello
    November 5, 2015 at 9:24 am

    So what if he wrestled a wolf at five? Davey Crockett killed a bear at three. Hillbillies can be crazy motherfuckers. Sure he can’t hit worth a damn but I want him on my team when the benches clear. And if he’s still with us and the Sox won it all then he’s hailed as a great patriotic teammate and this story never gets written.

  • Gronkmonster
    November 4, 2015 at 9:21 pm

    I listened to the entire thing today…Guy has some serious mental issues

  • Wabbitt
    wabbitt
    November 4, 2015 at 4:00 pm

    The issue is the media. Gomes is a big, dumb hillbilly who loves to say stupid shit. And the media LOVES big, dumb hillbillies. I present Honey Boo-Boo and the Duggars as exhibits A and B.

    • RSoxGuy
      November 4, 2015 at 5:09 pm

      Which is exactly why (that and hes just not a good ball player) hes played for 7 teams in 8 years. hes just not worth the bullshit in the clubhouse.

  • Areyouserious?
    November 4, 2015 at 2:14 pm

    And now I’m convinced Turtleboy doesn’t watch sports. I agree with you most of the time but you’re WAY off on this one. Your niche is local stories, especially politics., but you’re pretty awful at EVERYTHING else. Stay in your lane and you’ll do fine

    • Get fucked
      November 4, 2015 at 2:49 pm

      What the fuck are you talking about, this is the most accurate thing he’s wrote this year

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