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Merrimack Valley Turtle Bae has been on a serious hiatus but thankfully the MV never runs out of hoodrat bottom-dwellers to write about. There are just certain things an Essex chick can count on in life, you know? Things like childhood field trips to the Lowell mills,  9 a.m. 495/93 traffic jams and the never ending rotation of scumbag urban pharmacists who are about as useful as knitted condoms being handed out at the local clinic.

I have to say, this wasn’t an easy one to piece together at first because nobody in this particular group of people uses their actual birth-name. Ever. I guess in a way it’s a good thing to come up with alternate aliases. That way the parents of these gully rejects can deny birthing such a large crowd of genetic disappointment when they pump out shitty rap music faster than a Broadway sex chicken can give a reach around behind the California Night Club.

The creative mastermind on today’s chopping block goes by the name of “SKILLZ GONZALEZ” or “SkillzDaMonsta”. He’s a 25 year old Lawrence “rapper” who proudly hails from the Essex projects. #Word.

He’s just “TRYNA MAKE IT OUT THE TRAP” by producing music. Even though his rap sucks, that would be kind of admirable (because art is a good thing) except for one teeny, tiny problem..

It seems as though Skillz has been supplementing his income with drug money AND thinks it’s acceptable to deal in one of the grungiest neighborhoods in Lawrence while having his 2 year old son improperly strapped in the FRONT seat of his Mercedes. I could be wrong, but last time I checked “take your child to work day” didn’t include feeding them candies out of a bag with blow in it. Or stashing heroin in a car seat in the trunk. Or driving without a license. Or selling narcotics. Or potentially killing them in general..

If you’re trying to picture what 90 grams looks like let’s break it down like this: 1 sugar cube weighs about 3 grams. So give or take, this fucking lowlife trap-star had 30 sugar cubes worth of narcotics in his car, some within reach of the poor kid who could have easily ingested it because it was IN THE BAG OF CANDY HE WAS EATING OUT OF.

As usual, Gonzalez was allowed to post bail and walk out of Lawrence District Court until his hearing in a few weeks and he lucked out huge because he lives within a half mile of the court house and police station. I bet he was cuffed, stuffed and back home without so much as one scuff on his Nike Air Max. All in a days work.

So this dude gets busted, his baby mama gets to just come pick the son up and he’s free to go in the same afternoon. Bail was 20k so all he had to do was cough up 10% (2k) and it was a done deal. No child endangerment charges, nothing. I’m sure it wasn’t difficult for him to scrape together the cash for bail because, ya know, drug money.

By now you must be thinking “But MVTB, how do you know that Esaias Gil-Gonzalez is this Skillz dude?”

Well, I may not have drug dealing Skillz (see what I did there?) but I’m smart enough to know that just because you go by some dumbass hood name in the projects doesn’t mean people can’t find out who the fuck you are. Unfortunately the Eagle Tribune had the wrong name for him (probably because he didn’t have a license) but the address led me on my way to Turtleboy investigative success!

His address was given as 14 Juniper street and while he doesn’t live there, a 26 year old woman named Priscilla Matos does.

So I perused (ok, hardcore lurked) the ol’ Facebook machine and TA-DA!

She goes by “Priscilla Cuervo” (because she keeps it classy) but there she is. 26 years old, mother of their 2 year old son, their daughter and on/off/on/off again psycho girlfriend of Esaias Gonzalez.

BOOM!

It’s a good thing the police released their son into her custody because she doesn’t seem like a whacked out slag or anything:

Yeah. She seems nice and not at all like a terrible, self absorbed, irrational, attention seeking hoodbunny. She’s petty and will fight her friends but no big deal. Skillz posts mirror selfies of him flexing his muscles so that we know he can (maybe) defend himself against his teacup sized, gangsta baby-mama when she inevitably flips out on him… again. Something tells me he’s gotten a French manicure to the face a time or two. I’ll give it to her, she’s fine as hell but her insides seem grimy as hell.

I’m sure he will be just fine though. He’s from the hood, he’s on his money game and he has lots of valuable life experience to inspire us with. Besides, she might not even recognize him without his precious, puppy Snapchat filter.

(Come on guys, did you really think you’d make it though a hood post without one?)

Aw, he looks just like DMX except for his baby-like complexion and vagina.

Oh the sweet, sweet irony. Unfortunately, we all know that he’s going to get a pathetic slap on the wrist for letting his toddler almost eat coke candy and he’ll pick up right where he left off: Making more terrible rap and making “music videos” outside of the projects in Lawrence with his fellow buffoons. They should make one monster group and call it the Ratchet-Patch Kids. I would buy a Tshirt…. From Salvation Army in 7 years.

As for Priscilla, yesterday she posted this:

She deleted it but we all know the #1 FB rule: The internet is forever. Sorry, boo. (no I’m not)

If there’s one thing Priscilla does consistently it’s acting like a holier-than-thou, mutant crotch wasp.

This chick has a fake last name on FB and didn’t even opt to use a top shelf brand of tequila for fucks sake but yes, laugh at people and call them stupid.

Hey Priscilla,

What I find stupid is that you have two small children who didn’t chose their shitbag parents who care more about posting half naked selfies to Snapchat and slinging dope than they do about raising them. The fact that you are even on social media instead of cramming a shame sandwich into the gaping hole in your face that you call a mouth shows the type of person you are inside. If you want to spend your time acting like every stereotype that Lawrence is despised for then hand those kids off to someone who can give them a goddamn chance to do better than you. You should be thankful your baby boy didn’t get killed by an airbag before his 3rd birthday because you chose to procreate and half-ass your responsibilities. Grow up and be a mom because the last time I checked Lindt chocolates and cocaine weren’t part of the daily food pyramid.

MVTB, out.