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I just wanna take this moment to point out what a scam Valentine’s Day is for married men. Complete garbage. Look, men and women are equal, so we can’t be having these days where it’s the dude’s job to recreate an episode of The Bachelor. Both men and women get one day in which they get free stuff and get to win all arguments – birthdays. That’s it. Christmas is evenly split down the middle. If men have the duty to wine and dine for Valentine’s Day, then what’s the offset day where dudes get waited on hand and foot? Where’s my chocolate? Doesn’t seem very equal.

The whole thing seems like a scam orchestrated by Hallmark, flower stores, and big chocolate. They make bank off of the fact that men who are working their way through a courtship HAVE TO do it. So basically here are the three different ways you SHOULD celebrate February 14th:

• Single. If you’re single then it’s the tops. An excuse to hang out with single babes who need a little lovin.
• Dating. If you’re dating, then it’s not so bad. You have to go out to dinner and buy a bunch of overpriced crap, but at least you know it’s all part of the process and it’s leading somewhere.
• Married. This is when Valentine’s Day should officially end. We’re way out of the courtship at this point. We share our money so why don’t we both agree that it’s a colossal waste of money? We’ll get some Chili’s and rent a movie at Redbox and call it a night.

So yea, Mrs. Turtleboy and I are doing what all married couples are doing tonight – drinking scorpion bowls at Yong Shings with two of my fellow Turtleboy writers and their wives. No candle light. No romantic dinner. Just an excuse to hang out with your friends and get wasted. That’s how Valentine’s Day is supposed to done.

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